The gap between "back-mouthing" and "non-verbal" children is obvious after twenty years, and parents don't care

The other day, my girlfriend complained to me:

I really don't know how I've offended that kid in my family lately, and I'm against everything.

I called him for dinner and he said, "I just want ice cream now." ”

I urged him to clean up his room, and he not only sat and watched TV motionless, but also impatiently confronted me:

"My own room, I can pack it whenever I want!"

I told him to turn off the TV and go to brush his teeth to sleep, and he asked, "Why should I listen to you?" ”

Finally, the girlfriend said indignantly:

"This bear child, I say a word, he tops a sentence, every day I get so angry that my blood pressure soars, I really want to take a rag and block his mouth." I really don't know if other people's children are like this? ”

I comforted my girlfriend a few words, and I deeply felt the same deeply.

I remember a survey: "When your child grows up, what behavior do you hate most about your child?" ”

More than 75% of parents have chosen to speak up.

Talking back seems to have become an unbearable behavior for most parents.

01

Talking back is actually the awakening of children's self-awareness.

Many times, parents will talk back to their children as a sign of disobedience.

Then, trying to help the child get rid of this "bad problem", the light is verbal suppression, the heavy is to solve it by force.

But I never seriously thought about it:

Why do children talk back?

In the documentary "After Zero Zero", Meng Meng's parents feel that Meng Meng is becoming more and more rebellious as she grows older, and she likes to talk back to her parents more and more.

Meng Meng wants to go out with her best friend, and her father threatens Meng Meng because she forgot to bring her school bag:

"If you don't get your bag back, don't go out and play."

Meng Meng cried and retorted to her father:

"Why? Why do you have to listen to Daddy for everything, I disagree. ”

Dad took Meng Meng to pick out glasses together, and as a result, Meng Meng liked the style Dad didn't like, and Dad liked Meng Meng also didn't like it.

Dad said impatiently, "Which one do you really like?" ”

Meng Meng helplessly replied, "You don't understand me." ”

The atmosphere between father and daughter instantly dropped to the freezing point.

Dad can't understand why Meng Meng rebelled, and Meng Meng doesn't understand why Dad has so much dissatisfaction with himself?

An education expert once said:

There are 3 rebellious periods in the growth of children.

The first rebellious period is 2-4 years old, and they will express their initial subjective consciousness through language such as "no" and "only not";

The second rebellious period is 7-9 years old, they begin to have a strong sense of independence, often dissatisfied with the various rules of the outside world, sometimes even a little unreasonable;

The third rebellious period is 12-17 years old, they are in adolescence, the pursuit of individual independence and freedom is even worse, and they hate all bondage.

Only after a period of rebellion can a child grow into an independent and autonomous individual.

Talking back is an act that occurs in every child's rebellious period.

Talking back indicates that the child's self-awareness and dignity have begun to awaken.

He began to think for himself, began to express himself strongly, wanted to defend his right to speak, and wanted his parents to see his inner appeal.

Children's rebuttal is not "disobedient", "uncultured", or "deliberately opposed", but they use language to confront their parents, find themselves, and establish their own personality.

02

Allowing children to speak up is a kind of wisdom.

I have watched a reality TV show, and the little treasure in it is a child who loves to talk back.

His dad supervised him playing the violin and always liked to hold a brush and point at him to pick faults.

This made him very disgusted, and he couldn't help but angrily say to his father:

"Don't point this at me."

Dad criticized him for playing the piano in the wrong position, and he retorted:

"Then you label me."

At a family meeting, Mom and Dad pointed out a lot of his shortcomings together and hoped that he would correct them.

He did not show any weakness in his reaction to Mom and Dad:

"Dad always looks for other people's problems, but never finds his own problems, such as violin, the teacher will not, is not good at teaching children."

Sometimes moms don't have very good emotional control. ”

In several arguments with his parents, he was calm, quick-witted, and straight to the point.

It not only expressed his dissatisfaction, but also had a reasonable and well-founded poke at the pain points of his parents, leaving his parents speechless.

Have to be impressed.

Even hailan, an off-site education expert, couldn't help but praise:

"Children who resist have advantages, one is that the family atmosphere is enlightened, and the other is that children have a very strong ability to think independently, in order to stand up to the pain of their parents."

In fact, there will inevitably be differences between parents and children.

Children dare to follow their own hearts, defend their own positions, express their opinions, and will not be timid when encountering things in the future, and have the ability to solve problems independently.

And the child will also exercise the logical thinking ability and language expression ability in the mouth again and again, which is more conducive to interacting with people in the future.

Allowing children to talk back to their parents is also a kind of wisdom for parents.

03

Children who dare to speak up are often more independent and assertive.

Princeton University in the United States once did a study:

The 2-5 year old children are divided into two groups, one group of children like to talk back and are more resistant.

The other group of children is sensible and obedient, and the resistance is weak.

The results found:

80% of children with strong resistance have the ability to analyze, judge and make decisions independently;

Only 24% of children with weaker resistance grow up to be able to act independently, have weak judgment, and often need to be patient with others.

It can be seen that children who will resist not only know clearly what they want, but also dare to achieve their goals independently.

The famous educator Liu Yong was very strict about the education of his son Liu Xuan.

He often asked Liu Xuan to study Chinese on holidays;

When Liu Xuan wanted to go out to play, he asked him to pick up pine cones, sweep leaves, and clean the drainage ditch under the eaves.

Liu Xuan felt that his father had nothing to do, so he often talked back to his father and did it.

His father also often scolded him as a rebellious "bastard boy".

Once, his father scolded Liu Xuan: "Why are you always so rebellious?" ”

Liu Xuan said with a straight face:

"Because I feel like I'm growing up and shouldn't listen to you."

So you tell me to go left, I'm going to go right, I have my own ideas, I should find myself where I am! ”

It is in this way that Liu Xuan, who has a strong sense of self, has surprised everyone when he grows up.

Despite his father's objections, he studied the psychology he liked and became a famous psychologist;

Using the quick thinking he had trained from years of fighting with his father, he reacted quickly and entered the media, becoming a representative of Taiwanese cultural media people;

He uses his character of not accepting defeat, likes to try, likes to challenge, bravely explores his various possibilities, and has achieved good results;

He went to plan advertising and became a well-known creative and brand consultant in Taiwan;

He went to a speech contest and became the national champion of "I Am an Orator".

His independence, self-confidence, bravery, and perseverance have filled his life with surprises and realized various possibilities.

As dr. Angelica Fass, a German child psychologist, put it:

Children who can argue with their parents will grow up to be more confident, assertive, creative, and dare to challenge themselves.

Therefore, children who will resist are often expected in the future.

04

Allow the child to resist, but selectively "compromise".

The process of the child's mouth-talking is the process of the child arguing for himself, in fact, it is also the process of the parents guiding them to what is right and what is wrong.

We allow children to resist, but we do not allow children to act arbitrarily.

When children talk back, we need to be selectively "compromised."

1. Non-principled issues, be gentle

I once read a post about parents criticizing their children, and there were two comments that resonated with many netizens:

"When I was a child, you were trained, and as long as you said a word, he said you would resist. If you don't say a word, he says you're dumb. ”

"Parents can never tell the difference between explaining and talking back."

Many parents treat their children as if they were against themselves.

But in fact, there are many reasons hidden in the child's mouth, perhaps to express his inner thoughts, perhaps to attract the attention of his parents, perhaps to hate the feeling of being suppressed by his parents and ordering...

If parents rudely define their children as "bad behavior", they not only close the channel for good communication with their children, but also hurt the parent-child relationship.

Therefore, in the face of those things that will not break the rules, will not affect others, and will not be dangerous, we can compromise appropriately and listen to the voice of the child.

In the past, my son and I often had conflicts over homework.

I want my son to come home from school and write his homework as soon as possible, and my son always likes to play for a while before writing homework.

I remember one time, I warned my son in a commanding tone:

"You have to go back to the house now to do your homework, or I'll throw away all your toys."

My son angrily confronted me:

"I know I have to write homework, but why can't I play first and then write my homework, and listen to you for everything?"

My son's words made me choke for a while and woke me up.

Yeah, why can't I listen to my children?

So, I began to seriously and sincerely ask my son's feelings and thoughts:

"Do you want to play first, or do you want to write your homework first?"

Then, express my thoughts to my son:

"If you play first, you may not be doing your homework until late.

If you write your homework first, you can play happily and don't have to worry about writing homework for a while. ”

My son thought hard about it and accepted my suggestion happily.

This made me understand one thing:

When parents and children are in conflict, don't think of the child as a troublemaker, but as an active participant in solving the problem.

Only with gentle guidance and let children feel love and respect, children are willing to communicate well with their parents.

2. On issues of principle, the attitude should be firm

I once watched a video like this:

A father took his two daughters to the supermarket, and the younger daughter deliberately knocked out the things in her sister's hands.

The father was angry and asked the younger daughter to apologize to her sister.

The little daughter angrily refused, and lay on the ground screaming loudly, and slyly argued:

"No, I don't apologize, I didn't mean it."

The little girl's sister pleaded with her father: "Forget it, she doesn't have to apologize." ”

When the little girl heard this, she continued to confront her father with some pride:

"She said, I don't have to apologize."

However, Dad struggled to control his emotions, looked at her seriously, and demanded again and again in a firm tone that she must apologize.

In the end, the little girl apologized to her sister under her father's tough attitude.

You see, allowing children to speak up is not allowing children to be brazen and rude.

The child's thinking is not mature, and those "rude things", "dangerous things", "things that are easy to cause damage", must firmly say "no" to the child.

Only in this way will the child have a precept in his heart and stop his actions.

05

I remember someone saying something like this:

The most precious sentence of Chinese parents is: Child, what do you think?

In fact, children are not always wrong, and parents are not all right.

Blindly commanding or forcing children to obey will inevitably lead to children's rebellion.

Only when parents first learn to change their attitudes can children change their attitudes.

The way parents treat their children with their mouths shuts down hides the way their children fight with the future.

Allowing children to resist and stand firmly with children can help children go more steadily and farther on the road to growth.