Growing up against | children love to be angry? Don't worry, this may be his distress signal

Recently, a parent left a message in the background of the WeChat public account of the new parents of the times: "The child loves to resist, and the parents always contradict and shirk responsibility..." In the face of these problems of the child, parents have a headache and want to correct it. What should parents do to deal with it? In this issue, we will explore three family case studies together.

Teach your child the method of emotional control

Xiaofeng is 6 years old at a public primary school in Jiangbei District

Mom said it herself

Before going to elementary school, Xiaofeng was a very well-behaved child and didn't let us worry much. But since he was in the first grade of elementary school, he has become fond of bumping into his parents. For example, once, there were guests at home, and Xiaofeng did not say hello, but only looked down to carpool. The guest was kind enough to remind him not to keep his head down, it was not good for the cervical spine, and he returned to the house and said, "I feel very comfortable." When it was time to eat, Xiaofeng's father gave him vegetables, and he said angrily: "Don't give me a clip, why should you give me something you don't like to eat!" Xiao Feng's father felt very faceless, and after the guests left, he tried to teach his son a lesson.

ponder

Why do parents hate their children to talk back?

Traditional Chinese culture holds that "the orders of parents cannot be violated." Many parents will regard their children's rector as a challenge to their own authority, and try their best to get their children to get rid of this "bad problem", scolding at the light and solving it by force. In fact, this is a wrong concept, the parent should not be the child's authority, the child is not an appendage of the parent, and the relationship between the parent and the child should be equal.

Positive solution

Guide your child to control their emotions and express their thoughts

Parents should guide their children to learn to control their emotions and learn to express their thoughts correctly. Parents should first change the tone of criticism, avoid discussing things, express emotions to their children, and teach children to express feelings. As follows: "When you talk to me in such a tone, my mother has a feeling of disrespect." What ideas can be said. "Second, parents should provide their children with more choices and give their children the right to choose." You want to watch TV, I can understand. With 3 hours left from the time you get home from school and go to bed at night, you still have homework to complete, how much time do you plan to allocate to watching TV? "Only when parents bend down and give their children equal and warm love and respect, will their children open their hearts and accept their parents' suggestions."

Give your child the right to make their own choices

Xiao Ou is 9 years old at a public primary school in Banan District

Mom said it herself

My daughter started talking back probably when she was 5 years old. When eating, she always took the chopsticks too short, and I really couldn't look at it, correcting her movements. She was very bored and said: "As long as you can pick vegetables, you can't eat enough, why is it so long?" "I was choked up all of a sudden, and at first I was angry, thinking how to correct an action is so difficult? Later, in a work meeting with a colleague to argue, I suddenly realized that children, like adults, need to be respected. Since then, our family has become a small debate field, children resist, I also welcome, but if you want to convince me, first come up with your point of view, everyone convinces people with reason. Gradually, children learn to listen from arguing and learn to express their own ideas. Now, she can easily handle the differences and conflicts with her classmates.

ponder

Why do children love to talk back?

When a child resists, he is looking for himself, establishing his own personality, and is an appearance of the development of self-awareness. Therefore, they place special emphasis on their own feelings, personal privacy, their right to make their own decisions, and their desire to be respected, treated equally, and have more freedom by their parents; or, their children encounter difficulties and troubles in real life, and their interpersonal relationships in school are not good, their academic performance is not satisfactory, and their feelings are frustrated. If parents do not pay enough attention in this regard, ignore the distress signal sent by the child, and do not meet the needs of the child, the child may vent the irritability on the parents.

Positive solution

Look for the motivation and need behind the rhetoric

Parents should see the motivations and needs behind their children's backs. Only when parents find the reason and know that the child is not unreasonable, can they control their emotions and reduce useless tantrums and quarrels. On this basis, parents listen deeply, sincerely express their love for their children, give the right to make their own choices, explore solutions, and provide help for their children. When the child overcomes the setbacks and difficulties and regains the sense of belonging, self-worth and self-confidence, the behavior of "talking back" will naturally disappear, and the child will grow up physically and mentally.

Guide your child to be responsible

Xiao Yan is 12 years old at a public middle school in Yubei District

Mom said it herself

When my son reads the first year of junior high school, he will resist and shirk his responsibility when he encounters problems. At night, my son memorized the words silently, and I reported Chinese, and he silently wrote in English. When I met the stuck shell, I reminded him that he was very unconvinced: "This word is so much more difficult than yesterday, difficult and long, so annoying!" I patiently comforted me twice, and he silently wrote a few more, and then he didn't come out. I said, "Wouldn't you, wouldn't you just watch it a few more times?" The son was a little angry: "It's not because you are slow to report, I am not in the mood to write silently." "I'm also angry, but I'm still patient and reasonable: "Your mentality is a bit impetuous, can you calm down?" Reasoning with his son will be very tiring, he will argue in reverse, and the logic is particularly meticulous. Behind such conflicts, I see children putting themselves in the position of a "victim", "It's all someone else's problem, I'm the victim." Instead of arguing pointlessly, I confessed my mistake: "Just a little bit fast, next time a little slower." "I pick simple words to dictate first, and then I change the difficult ones last." The following words are more difficult, and it's nice that you can write them. "I let the child know that the parent is not picking his fault, he feels better, and the conflict disappears."

ponder

Why do children always shirk their responsibilities?

Children like to shirk their responsibilities and always make excuses for their mistakes, which is actually a kind of "self-protection", the root of which is to avoid punishment and unwilling to bear the consequences. Psychologically known as "victim psychology," it is an unhealthy mechanism of self-defense. Parents are too strong, there is always a set of theories to prove that the child makes mistakes, even if the child admits the mistake will be turned over, seize the opportunity to criticize again. Children are worried about being criticized and punished, and try to find excuses; parents are too doting, satisfying children in everything, and indulging in discipline of children, causing children to develop bad habits of shirking responsibility; parents themselves are people who lack a sense of responsibility, and when things happen, they excuse themselves, and children will be affected by it and learn from them.

Positive solution

Guide children to take responsibility

In the face of children with "victim psychology", parents should do a good job of companionship, pay attention and understanding, and satisfy the child's sense of security; guide the child to correctly understand the mistake, pay attention to the process and cause of the mistake, and analyze, sort out, and think about solutions with the child. In the process, parents must pay attention to their own attitude, do not blindly deny and accuse the child, give the child praise and encouragement at the appropriate time, let them gain self-confidence and security, and the child can truly learn to take responsibility and have a sense of responsibility.

This article is excerpted from The New Parents Daily, Issue 949-950

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