Unexpectedly, Fu Seoul, a parenting master with frequent golden sentences, was also thwarted by the child's rebellious period.
In a recent variety show, Fu Seoul talked about how in order to celebrate her son's 12th birthday, she invited a group of friends to celebrate the birthday, and the atmosphere was warm and lively, but her son was not appreciative, saying "I don't like to be overly concerned."
The struggling mother was poured with cold water.
This is not the end, after the birthday party, the son sent a circle of friends, thanking all parties for the company of friends, but did not mention his parents at all.
What makes the mother even more sad is that the information of this circle of friends is actually learned from the mouth of a friend - the son's circle of friends actually blocked himself.
This series of events has deeply shocked Fu Seoul, who is quite confident in the parent-child relationship.
At this time, Da Zhang Wei woke up the dreamer with a word: "Because he has entered a period of rebellion." ”
Once well-behaved children, began to distance themselves from their parents, and even when they did not agree, they were fierce, causing parents headaches and anxiety...
"Rebellion" is the judgment of parents and others on the child, not the subjective experience of the child. Children are only in adolescence, they experience a transition period of psychological growth, independent consciousness and self-awareness begin to awaken, there are ideas to get rid of adult supervision, which is a necessary stage in the process of growth.
However, they also lack mature emotional processing ability, and when arguing with parents, they often have their views and emotions that are not willing to fall behind, and parents have the idea that their children's wings are hardened, and they do not know that this is actually the child asking for help.
Psychologist Zeng Qifeng believes: "There are no rebellious children, only rebellious parents." If parents don't treat it correctly, children will have excessive "rebellious" performance. There will even be irreparable tragedies.
The following three points may help you avoid the deterioration of parent-child relationships.
01
Authoritarianism and interference
Hindering a child's self-awakening
Parents always have an unfinished heart, sometimes worried that their children are not studying well, but also anxious about their bad friends, addicted to undeserved hobbies.
Therefore, children are often supervised in various ways, such as asking about the child's teachers and classmates, pretending to be someone else to chat with the child, and starting to play the same game in order to see the child's game status.
However, if such "disguised supervision" is too much, the parent-child relationship will be strained.
A father and son in Nanjing have gotten into trouble to the point where they need 110 to come forward.
Dissatisfied with his child's grades, the father installed monitoring in the child's room and wanted to keep abreast of the child's learning. After the child found out, he called the police in a fit of anger.
But my father felt that there was nothing wrong with this:
"How much privacy do you have?"
"Who am I to you?"
"Can't I install surveillance?"
According to Maslow's theory of needs, children over the age of 12 gradually improve their physical functions, their self-awareness begins to awaken, and they value their private space, and at this time, their need for respect is extremely strong.
If parents blindly practice interference and despotism in the name of "good for you", it will only make children more and more rebellious.
Parents should learn to respect and trust their children, and at all times, they must respect their children's independent personality.
1. Do not only arrange everything for the child according to the wishes of the adult, but fully consider the child's own ideas, and in a reasonable situation, give the decision to the child.
2. Don't do everything instead, if there is a conflict between the child and the classmate, it is best to give them the space to solve it by themselves.
3. Tell the child that when they have abnormal performance, but they refuse to communicate with their parents, the parents will understand the child's situation through teachers and classmates because they are worried, and other times will not infringe on his social space.
02
Replace communication with violence
Provoke contradictions
Although violent repression can play a temporary role, children will secretly store their strength in places where their parents cannot see.
A story of violence replacing communication, inspiring children to rebel and "retaliating against their parents" is worth pondering.
Because he was thin and weak, he was always bullied by his classmates, but when he sought help from his parents, his parents would only scold and insult. In order not to let himself be bullied, he saved money and went to Songshan in Henan to learn martial arts alone.
Not long after leaving home for the first time, he ran home at a young age because he was not adaptable. But when he ran home, his parents did not ask him why he was out and what he was doing, but came up and scolded him.
Under the ruthless violence of his parents, the boy decided to leave home for ten years and not return.
In fact, if parents are willing to communicate well with their children and understand the reasons behind their children's actions, then this parent-child relationship may not necessarily fall into such a deadlock.
And communication, but also pay attention to the method. Effective communication skills include body language, tone of voice, and speaking content. There is a "McLabin rule" in psychology, also called the "7/38/55 law", which means that our impression of a person comes from what is said, 38% comes from the tone of speech, and 55% comes from body language.
That is, if the parent speaks to the child with angry body language and angry tone, the child may not pay attention to the 7% of the conversation at all, and will only react with the 93% body language received from the parent: either resist or escape.
Parents and children communicate with each other, but also teach children to communicate with others. Parents are asked to put away their emotions and accept their children's thoughts and feelings.
1. Establish a sense of communication with your child and avoid scolding for no reason. Put yourself in your child's situation and try to feel your child's thoughts and emotions through communication.
2. Please whisper education in case of trouble. Whispering education can focus the child's attention and also make the parents' emotions more peaceful when communicating. Remember to apologize to your child after yelling.
3. Please allow the child to express himself, and parents also need to listen patiently to the child's complaints and give the response they deserve. If children are not good at expressing themselves, parents need to guide them.
03
Lack of attention to children
Being often ignored by parents and uncared for by parents is one of the most common reasons for children to rebel. They long to be seen by their parents and to receive love and security from them.
In the second-child family, this sometimes occurs: the original well-behaved sister, suddenly has a big change of temperament, always from time to time to bully the sister, and talk back to her parents.
It turned out that because she had a sister at home, the attention of the whole family was on her sister, and she felt that she was neglected. Once the sister also wanted to be obedient and sensible, but she did not get the attention and affirmation she wanted from her parents.
The sister makes trouble, yells, bullies the younger sister, in short, it is not obedient, just because only when she makes mistakes, her parents are all focused on her.
American child psychologist Jane Nelson once said that the most annoying children are often the children who need love the most.
First there is "love", and then there is "nurturing". Let children feel love, is the foundation of all education.
1. Accompany your child. Parents can get to know their children in the process of companionship, and children will also have a sense of trust in their parents.
Accompany the child≠ accompany the child, ask the parent to put down the mobile phone, accompany the child to do what he likes, for example, watching a movie together, going out together, or even chatting quietly together is also good.
2. Never compare your child to others, and don't casually belittle your child. See your child's strengths and pay attention to them. Children's shortcomings are like darkness, and the best way to eliminate darkness is to amplify the child's shining point.
3. Use words and behaviors to express care and love for children, and even ordinary words and behaviors can be used as expressions of love.
Don't show concern with harsh words like "tell you to wear more, don't listen to my freezing to death" and other harsh words, which will only increase the pressure on the child. Physical contact such as hugging a child can give the child a feeling of being pampered.
Parenting is a practice that is not only practiced by children, but also by parents themselves. In the face of children's rebellion, do not blindly accuse, the most important thing is to recognize the truth behind the rebellion.
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