Qian Zhongshu said:
"Marriage is a walled city, people on the outside want to go in, people on the inside want to come out."
It seems that siege theory has become a curse, and it has also become a self-explanation for many discordant men and women, because this is it, and I am not the only exception.
So why is it that after two people who were originally in love with each other got married, they crossed over and didn't feel it, and even began to resist each other? This problem is worth our third party to examine and reflect, in order to better solve their emotional dilemma.
The actual change makes it impossible to fall in love with again
Why did we get excited in the first place? Because you are beautiful and dignified and gentle, because he is handsome, handsome and romantic enough, but then what has changed in yourself and the beginning?
Women expect their husbands to be handsome, thoughtful, and informed.
Men desire their wives to be virtuous, as sisters as mothers.
The fact is that in the interaction will deliberately show the characteristics of each other's likes, but in real life, most of them can't do it, we can usually only clearly say the changes of the other party, but few people are willing to admit their differences.
In other words, because of the factor of love, the conditions are gone, because of the shackles of marital responsibility, we have to face the reality, there is disappointment, helplessness and grievance, living with emotions, where is the feeling to speak of.
Disappointment stems from excessive expectations
When the other party is unintentional or deliberate, or his or her ideal lover is shattered, what remains is a sense of loss, he (she) is not only not what he or she thought he or she was at first, but also a stinky disease that makes himself intolerable.
It is not an exaggeration to say that before marriage, especially in the love stage, I always think that I have found a "perfect person", but in the process of marriage and run-in, I will always feel angry that the other party is not even a "person".
The collapse of the perfect person is actually the disillusionment after the moon halo in the intimate relationship.
Therefore, before getting married, it is necessary to truly understand the nature of marriage and the bond of long-term intimate relationships, and not overly expect people from marriage, so that they will not lose control under the gap mentality, thus affecting the harmony of the relationship, leading to their own harm and damage to the relationship.
The University of Florida in the United States once did a research survey.
They followed 135 newlyweds for 4 years, and every six months, the researchers asked them about their satisfaction with the marital relationship.
In addition, respondents will provide a film of the couple's daily conversations to verify the authenticity of the situation.
It turned out that those who were too demanding of marriage and did not know how to reduce their requirements for the other half were often very unhappy in marriage.
Therefore, for marriage, giving up a relationship with too high expectations can be relatively happy and the relationship can be more long-lasting.
Letting go of expectations is not an emotional confrontation and self-abandonment, but a rationalization of needs and planning for the future. Only by clearly facing reality can we not anger people because of the gap in emotional feelings, resulting in disharmony in marriage.
All too self-interested
No matter how much they love this person at the beginning, most people will basically pay attention to their own sacrifices and losses after entering marriage, for various reasons, and will not seriously look at each other's efforts, and feel that the other party should be kind to themselves, but they do not realize that their attitude may also be missing gratitude.
The more you grow up, the more you know how to be good to yourself, but because of excessive self-interested thinking, you have intensified the psychology of your victims, and you have also caused a bad relationship.
Imagine that you are already the loser, the other party has no response, naturally will not be happy, and even get along with emotions, over time it is just patience to be together, where there are still feelings.
A good marriage is the union of two independent individuals, which need to be paid for each other perfectly, and will never and cannot be one party's demand for the other party, on the one hand, it cannot be obtained, on the other hand, this kind of self-interested careful thinking will make the other party resist.
Therefore, no matter how hard you are indifferent, it is because many requirements are under the perception of the other party, the requirements you put forward are more self-interested, whether it is a real reason or not, if you can empathize and make the other party realize that change and behavior are also good for themselves, then the success probability of being transformed will be higher, and invalid noise and unnecessary labor will be avoided.
Don't expect anyone to change their destiny
Marriage is indeed the second turning point in life, but expecting marriage to change one's fate can only be more unfortunate in the end.
People only have the strength to control their own destiny, in order to have the ability to control the relationship, they all hope that marriage and lovers will become their own haven, in fact, only have the ability to shield themselves from the wind and rain, the good and pay of others is the icing on the cake, not to become the only dependent product for life.
END
Text/Relief Emotional Station
(Author: Xiao Yu, psychological counselor, focusing on the emotional field), good at the restoration of romantic relationships, marital contradictions and differences, and the healing of psychological trauma caused by the original ecological family. The lonely journey of life, listening to your grievances and pressures, helping visitors improve their skills in getting along with the sexes, saving their lovers, managing their feelings, and striving to become happier people.