In the hit drama "Dear Child", the experience of a couple makes many people extremely depressed.
The wife is waiting for delivery in the delivery room, and the husband receives a call from work and never returns;
Back in the delivery room, the wife has gone through the process of childbirth, he is not in a hurry to see his wife and children, but when she is not out of the delivery room, he gives the placenta to his mother, because the mother believes that the placenta is a big supplement and wants to stew soup.
Returning home, it is the beginning of his wife's isolation.
Weak after childbirth, after feeding the child at night and wanting to drink water, shouting the husband's name, but the other party snored like thunder and slept soundly; the contradiction between the wife and the mother-in-law, the husband only knew and thin mud.
It is such a chicken feather family, the husband also cheated, and the two completely ended the marriage.
The scene of divorce is equally suffocating.
The two quarreled hysterically over the couple's only 70,000-plus savings, and the past ledger was also turned over with a pen:
"My mom gave 800 for her birthday, your mom gave 1,000 for her birthday", "Your parents went to New Mattei for a trip I gave 30,000"...
There is a saying that originally wanted to go into marriage to shield myself from the wind and rain, but I did not expect that the most wind and rain in my life were brought about by marriage.
When everyone enters marriage, they are full of longing and confidence, and when they come to the end, they have gone through various tests like the Western Heavens.
Why is marriage sometimes so tough? Why are some people able to survive for a lifetime, while others are hiding from married life like a time bomb?
John Gottman, a psychology professor at the University of Washington, has been studying family relationships for 40 years.
He set up a "love lab" in which thousands of couples were tested and talked about, and Gottman discovered many codes in marriage, and "Happy Marriage" was one of the marriage guides.
John Gottman | Zhejiang People's Publishing House
After observing how a couple communicates, Gottman predicted whether they would be happily together or bitterly apart with 91 percent accuracy.
If a relationship doesn't go on, there are often three signs in the conversation.
Harsh start
Dinah and Oliver are both 30 years old, and they say they have a hectic but happy life.
Dinah goes to nursing school in the evenings, and Oliver, a programmer, has to work late every day before coming home.
But when they are alone, the atmosphere becomes different, Dinah scolds Oliver for not doing the housework he should do, and Oliver thinks that Dinah is too nagging, which makes him even more reluctant to do housework...
After some argument, Gottman judged, unfortunately, that they would get divorced, and the clue to the divorce lay in the way they started talking.
As soon as the wife opened her mouth, she didn't have anything good to say, and her emotions were very negative. When the husband talks about doing housework, the wife is ready to tease him, "It is better not to do it." ”
The husband tries to ease the atmosphere by telling jokes, but the wife does not want to cooperate and just sits expressionlessly.
Then the wife listed a lot of facts, "Writing you a to-do list doesn't work; try to let you do it alone, but there's not one thing you can stick to for a month." ”
Start a conversation in a critical or sarcastic way, that is, start a conversation in a harsh way, and the conversation is doomed to failure.
Although some people talk in a gentle and calm tone, their mouths are full of shocking words, and at the end, they will end in a negative tone.
The Four Horsemen of Doom
The harsh beginning sounded the alarm bell for the marriage, and the content of the conversation determined the quality of a relationship.
In the negative dialogue, there will be four knights who have brought fatal damage to the marriage, in order: criticism, contempt, defense, and cold war.
Everyone inevitably complains, but complaining is different from criticism, complaining only involves specific incidents of the other party's mistakes, and criticism is more widespread.
"You didn't clean the kitchen floor last night, I'm really angry, we said well take turns to do it", which is a complaint, and "why are you always so unrecognizable?" I hate that when it's your turn to clean the kitchen floor, I have to do it myself. You just don't care", this is criticism.
Turn a complaint into a criticism by adding, "Is there something wrong with you?" ”
"The car runs out of gas, so why not fill it up in advance?" It's a complaint; "Why do you always remember nothing?" I've told you a thousand times, to fill up the oil, you just won't listen. "It's criticism.
The more criticism there is, the more contempt will appear, "You think you will do a good job if you write it on your phone?" ”
This sarcasm and cynicism is contempt, and it expresses human disgust.
In the face of criticism and ridicule, the other side will defend itself.
"I'm tired of going to work during the day, and it's normal to forget to clean, can't you learn to be considerate?"
"If I understand you, who will understand me?"
Because such trivial matters were endlessly disputed and the discussion could not be resolved, it fell into the Cold War.
One side does not make a sound, does not fight back, buries its head in the mobile phone, and the other side shouts louder and louder.
Eventually, one party got up and left the house, choosing to flee.
He avoided family wars as well as problems in marriage.
Failed attempts at emotional repair
Although the harsh beginning and the "Four Horsemen of Doom" will bring negative shadows to the marriage, but this destructive force will last for a while before it will erupt, another important factor in judging how far a relationship can go is the way they handle their differences, that is, whether their attempts to repair their feelings have worked, whether they succeed or fail.
There are some couples who have constant criticism and cold war in their words, but they can be repaired quickly, and they will also have stable and happy marriages.
If two people don't try at all, or if they fail, their marriage is in danger.
Smart couples have their own ways of repairing their relationships, and one of Gottman's counselors agreed that once one party yells, they will have to take on more chores or meet the other's needs.
There is a couple in the love lab, the husband is a chemist, and due to the nature of the research work, he often can't go home on time to eat. The wife cares a lot about being able to sit together as a family for dinner, so every time the husband doesn't come home on time, she gets frustrated.
She repeatedly told her husband that the children always waited until he came home to eat, but he was also aggrieved: "What do you think I have been busy with?" Are you busy playing? ”
But every time the atmosphere reached an impasse, the husband would take the lead in showing weakness, and he would give his wife a cute smile, and the wife could not help but laugh, and then continue to discuss the problem.
The husband's smirk has become the prescription in the relationship, and it is rare that they will always try to find a new way to repair it so that the relationship does not fall into a stalemate.
There is a detail in "Dear Child", when the couple went to the Civil Affairs Bureau to get a certificate, the staff asked the reason for the divorce, at this time the wife answered a phone call, giving each other one last chance, and as a result, by the time she returned from the call, the husband had signed the divorce agreement.
This relationship also lost its last chance to repair.
Witnessing countless couples getting along, all of them will quarrel, some will continue to repair, and some will fall apart.
John Gottman found that the vast majority of couples' quarrels could not be resolved. Couples try to change each other's minds year after year, but they don't succeed because most of their differences stem from fundamental differences in lifestyles, personalities, or values.
Arguing over these disagreements results in a waste of time and damage to their marriage.
The way to make a marriage happy is simple to say, just need to find a motivation in their daily life, so that they can think positive thoughts and emotions about each other, not be overwhelmed by negative thoughts and emotions.
Just like when we try to reach a long-term cooperative relationship, not only will we carefully do our job, communication and emotional intelligence have become particularly high, and the benefits of long-term cooperation are the motivation for you to become high emotional intelligence.
The higher a couple's emotional intelligence, the more likely they are to understand, appreciate, and respect each other and their marriage, and the happier they are to live together.
If you feel that life is too difficult, advise you to read Zeng Guofan
Zhang Hongjie, a famous scholar and the main speaker of "Hundred Tribunes"
Interpretation of the Front and Side of Zeng Guofan
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The author | Kale, write other people's stories well, live your own life.
The anchor | Jiayin, ten o'clock reading contract anchor.
Pictures | Visual China, Network (if there is infringement, please contact to delete)