Author | Fan Deng Reading · Fat chicks don't like to move
Anchor | Fan Deng Reading · Xia Han
Interpret the trailer
Meet · Meet your unknown self in the book.
Good evening to all book lovers, welcome to the reading column "Encounter" produced by Fan Deng Reading.
Today, I would like to share with you the practical marriage guide interpreted by Teacher Fan Deng - "Happy Marriage".
This is the psychology of psychologist John Gottman who has studied marriage relations for more than 40 years and summed up the true meaning of happiness.
Known as the "Marriage Pope," John Gottman was able to predict the direction of their marriage through a 5-minute conversation between a couple with 91 percent accuracy.
Reading this book will make your marriage happier and happier.
I once saw such a story on the Internet.
A young man asked the old man, "Why is the love of your generation so firm, while our generation always breaks up so easily?" ”
The old man replied:
"Our generation was poor, and when things broke, they wanted to fix it first;
And your generation has good living conditions, and the first reaction to finding it bad is to change, change to satisfaction, and the same is true for marriage. ”
In the face of love, many people believe that there is providence in the underworld.
If there is a slight disagreement, they think that the other party is the wrong person and want to leave the re-election.
But in fact, the key to having a happy marriage is not to find the right person.
Dr. Gottman pointed out in the book "Happy Marriage" that the long-term relationship between men and women actually relies on emotional intelligence.
He said:
"The way to make a marriage happy is surprisingly simple – happy married couples need to find a motivator in their daily lives.
This motivation allows them to have positive thoughts and emotions about each other without being overwhelmed by negative thoughts and emotions that they need to have marital emotional intelligence. ”
High emotional intelligence is the secret of marital happiness.
Low emotional intelligence behavior, the most likely to consume love
There is such a scene in the TV series "Happiness Duo":
The wife was angry at her demoted husband and lectured him at the dinner table.
My husband couldn't help but reply: "I'm your husband, can you please stop talking to your subordinates and talk to me?" ”
The wife continued, "I don't have any subordinates like you under my hands, because I will definitely be expelled!" ”
The husband muttered, "Are you just not satisfied with me inside and out?" ”
The wife replied angrily: "I am just not satisfied, the subordinate can be fired, the husband can only smash the hand." ”
When my husband heard it, he also had emotions and said without thinking: "Then you have opened me up." ”
"How do I open it?"
"Leave!"
After saying this, both husband and wife were stunned. Then, the wife ran back to the room to draft the divorce agreement, and the husband slapped his mouth regretfully.
From a small quarrel, it eventually evolved into a situation of divorce, precisely because the couple did not have the emotional intelligence to speak well.
The wife communicates with the husband with an angry attitude and a tone of lesson, and the husband finally fights back under the repeated verbal attacks of the wife.
This low emotional intelligence communication method not only does not solve the problem, but also hurts each other's feelings and knocks out the cracks in the marriage.
What's even more sad is that this phenomenon is everywhere in real life:
The husband scolded his wife, "You bought something again?" What a loser. ”
The wife complained to her husband, "I was really blind to see you!" ”
There is a sentence in the "Augmented Sage Text": "A good word is warm in three winters, and a bad word hurts people in June." ”
We often speak quickly and say things that stab others and we regret it, and eventually cause both sides to lose.
In marriage, if you use this low emotional intelligence method to communicate and get along, even if there is a strong love between each other, sooner or later it will be consumed.
High emotional intelligence management, marriage can be long-lasting sweet
There is a saying in "Meet Happiness":
"Marriage depends on courage, and sustaining marriage depends on wisdom."
Although Taiwanese writer Sanmao and her husband Jose are flash married, they can manage the life of husband and wife to be sweet and happy, because they know how to use high emotional intelligence to manage marriage.
Sanmao said: "Jose has a great advantage, any thing Sanmao does, which may seem crazy to others, but in his opinion is taken for granted, so it is also very pleasant to be with him." ”
Sanmao wanted to try desert life, and the average person's reaction was: "Are you crazy?" Why run to the desert to suffer? ”
But after Jose got the definite answer, he took the initiative to apply for a transfer job and ran to the desert one step faster than his wife.
Then, while trying to make money, he began to adjust to a new life: learning Arabic, making local friends, and making furniture.
Jose stood firmly by Sanmao's side, supported all the decisions she made, respected all her choices, and let Sanmao maintain her true disposition and enjoy a happy and free marriage.
The husband's unlimited trust and tolerance and thoughtfulness have made Sanmao have no worries in life.
Therefore, she can continue to create more excellent literary works in a good emotional state.
She was able to write, "Every time she thinks of you, a grain of sand falls from the sky, and the Sahara is formed." Such fascinating love words come.
And Sanmao also expressed his love to his husband in his own way, so that they could get closer and closer.
Even in the Sahara Desert, where sand and tornadoes are in danger from time to time, Sanmao insists on driving three hours a day to pick up her husband and take her home.
In the place where the yellow sand is full of sand, the design has many exclusive memories, unique small homes, and runs life poetically.
Sanmao said: "Love must be the premise of marriage." And cherishing is the necessary obsession of hand in hand with the white. ”
When you see marriage as the only experience in life, you will use a cherished attitude to operate.
Constantly improve your emotional intelligence and only do things that are close to each other and warm each other.
7 rules that will take you to a happy marriage
"Paper Marriage" says:
"Deciding to marry someone requires only a moment of courage to guard a marriage, but it takes a lifetime of dedication."
The most appropriate effort to protect marriage is to cultivate your own emotional intelligence.
In the book Happy Marriage, Dr. Gottman summarizes seven practical marriage rules for us.
First, perfect your love map
The so-called love map is where your brain stores all the relevant life information about your spouse.
In layman's terms, it means that we should observe and care more about each other in our daily lives, and even deepen the understanding of both sides through standardized question lists.
Everyone's preferences and habits change with age, so the love map also needs to be constantly updated, so that we can always stay close to the other half.
Second, cultivate your love and praise
Mark Twain once said:
"A word of praise can keep me alive for two months."
Praise is a gentle and powerful force that allows you to focus on the strengths of your significant other, thus preventing marriage from being invaded by negative attitudes such as contempt and contempt.
Therefore, we must integrate praise into the small things of life, and use our appreciative eyes to discover each other's cuteness every day.
With "Your clothes today are so well matched!" "You look too handsome at serious work" such a simple and sincere compliment, let the other party harvest a good mood for the day.
You know, every little thing of love is saving for the love bank, and the more you save, the deeper and stronger your feelings will be.
Third, do only things that bring each other closer
Whether we are communicating with our partner with words or deeds, we must first ask ourselves:
"Am I doing this near or away from him?"
This judgment can allow us to reduce a lot of unnecessary harm.
For example, when you want to accuse your partner of not being willing to tutor your child with homework, you find that it is an act that hurts feelings and is far away from each other;
Then reason will have the upper hand slightly, and controlling emotions will allow you to negotiate with the other party in a gentle way, so that you will not hastily make behaviors that you regret.
Fourth, allow your spouse to influence you
Economist Xue Zhaofeng once said:
"Marriage is a family business, and a futures contract for lifelong wholesale is signed."
Since it is a partnership, we will inevitably encounter problems that need to be solved through consultation.
The most important attitude at this time is to respect your partner and listen carefully to each other's opinions, which is the most sincere attitude to run a happy marriage.
And the more you know how to respect each other and listen to your opinions, the more likely you are to find a solution that satisfies both of you.
Fifth, solve solvable problems
Most of the problems that arise in marriage can be solved like this:
Start with a gentle attitude and end with compromise.
Starting in a gentle way ensures that we communicate soundly under the premise of reason, then collide with sparks, ask each other problems and solutions, and finally work together to find the most appropriate treatment result.
We have to understand that home is not a place of reason, but a place of love.
Therefore, compromise is not the same as a failed communication, and win-win is the situation we should strive for.
Sixth, learn to live with problems
There are data that say: In reality, the vast majority of conflicts in married life are permanent.
For example, you like to be lively, he likes to be alone; you have religious beliefs and she is an atheist.
Despite having permanent problems, many couples can live in peace with them.
The key is that they can understand the other half's problem and accept the whole of one person, rather than forcing the other person to change or can't stand to leave.
In Happy Marriage, it says:
"In your marriage, deadlocked conflict can be a permanent problem,
But when one day, you're able to talk about this conflict without hurting the other person, you learn to live with the problem. ”
So, in the face of an unresolvable conflict, don't always try to destroy it.
Since conflict is perpetual, don't let it become a killer of feelings, learn to accept it, and live in harmony with it!
Seventh, create common meaning
When a family has a common goal to strive for, the cohesion of family members is also higher.
So after starting a new family, both spouses can write down their dreams and then help each other achieve it.
In the process, you will create your own shared memories and inject special meaning into the new family.
As this connection grows, your relationship naturally grows closer.
Write at the end
Dr Gottman said:
"Before we use a thing, we will look at the instruction manual, but we will not think of having a basic understanding of marriage before getting married, which is actually a misunderstanding." 」
Men and women who enter marriage are often because they have the courage to love and the determination to protect each other, but in the ordinary life of chai rice oil, salt, sauce and vinegar tea, because they do not know the skills of maintaining marriage, they are getting more and more tired.
If you want to get beautiful results in the compulsory course of marriage, it is actually very simple.
As long as each couple treats it with a serious attitude, operates with a learning mentality, and practices it with a lifetime of time, they will have a happy marriage.
Click "Watching" and encourage the book friends.
Author | The fat girl does not like to move, a post-90s girl who is physically content in a small town but her mind is not willing to be restricted. He loves reading and writing and pursues lifelong growth.
Column Director | Come slowly
Typography | Zheng to the north
Music | "E8r Piano Song" on the shores of Lake Baikal