Cultivate the most interesting and practical psychology every day
The "seven-year itch" is a phenomenon that is generally recognized by people and will exist in the marriage process, which refers to the fact that for couples, when their marriage is carried out for about seven years, the feelings of the two will enter a bottleneck period, and the feelings of the two will be easily crisis.
Similarly, couples in those marriages will do whatever it takes to find a way to get along that is acceptable to both of them in order to "keep" their marriage as long as possible.
For example, in the eyes of many wives, "tying up a man's stomach" is a very effective method; and for the majority of husbands, understanding the wife's mind, and then "throwing in her favor", with continuous romance and surprise to make each other feel happy, often can also prolong the feelings of the two.
Marriage is based on the feelings of two people, but it is not completely equivalent to the emotional state of two people. So is there a more effective way to ask such a question? Let's take a look at the conclusions based on long-term research.
Long-term research on couples and marriages
John Gottman, a professor of psychology at the University of Washington and director of the Seattle Institute of Interpersonal Relations, is a recognized expert in the field of marriage relations, child development, and interpersonal relations, and is known as the "pope of marriage."
He has spent forty years to conduct long-term observation and research on more than 700 couples, and on the basis of a large number of research data, he has completed works such as "Happy Marriage", which is very familiar with how couples get along.
Gottman found in a large number of research samples that 69% of the couples in his study, although the relationship is very harmonious on weekdays, but the relationship between the two is still problematic, and for these couples, these problems are not temporary, but almost difficult to solve.
Paradoxically, although these long-standing problems have always existed, the two still do not deny the meaning of the other in their lives, and they are still willing to marry the two.
Based on this phenomenon, Gottman has conducted in-depth thinking, he believes that the relationship between husband and wife is not a simple part and the whole, that is, "one plus one equals two" additive relationship, but the process of individuals with different heterogeneity organically forming a harmonious whole.
It is possible that two people have various deficiencies before marriage, such as one person is 0.3 and one person is 0.7, but after union, the two people form an integer "1", which is the meaning of marriage and the goal between husband and wife.
The current concept of marriage and love behind the data
Gottman's view is actually of some enlightenment significance to us, of course, in the Eastern and Western societies, different cultures may lead to different states in the concept of marriage and love.
For example, in today's Chinese society, people's views on marriage and love are quite different from the relevant views in our traditional concepts.
According to the results of the data released by the mainland's civil affairs department, from 2003 to 2019, the divorce rate in the mainland has shown a trend of rising for 17 consecutive years.
In 2019, the number of divorced couples in the mainland has reached 4.7006 million, an increase of 5.4% year-on-year, and the divorce rate has reached 3.36 ‰.
If we compare the number of couples who marry over a certain period of time with the number of couples who divorce at the same time, the number of divorces is even more staggering.
For example, in 2020, the number of marriage registrations nationwide was 8.131 million, compared with 3.733 million divorce registrations, representing a divorce ratio of 45.9%.
In 2021, the number of single young people of the right age in the mainland has exceeded 200 million, and a large number of young people have shown a fearful or even dismissive attitude towards marriage and even love, choosing to be single.
In fact, behind such a phenomenon, there is a change in people's views on marriage and love today. Nowadays, people have become less dependent on love or even marriage for many reasons, and even single life is more tempting.
But in marriage, there are still some key factors in overcoming the long-standing negative effects and getting along all the time. All in all, to maintain a long-term marriage, you must do 3 points
1. They should be attracted to each other with their other half
For today's young people, life is basically from a series of school education to adult work, in social interaction, the more close relationship is basically a peer group, if you want to fall in love, then the best opportunity seems to be in the university campus.
After an individual enters the workplace, it is also relatively unrealistic to fall in love with a colleague.
But no matter how the two get to know each other, once they fall in love and get married, they must become indispensable in each other's hearts in the process of getting along afterwards. Long-term mutual attraction is a prerequisite for maintaining the quality of marriage.
If after intimate contact, the two find that the other person has some unbearable shortcomings, then it is better to separate earlier.
2. Economic factors in marriage and love
For decades, people's views on mate selection have no longer only focused on the character of the other party and how to behave in the world, but also more about the income from their work, family situation and even the amount of the bride price.
All this is because in today's society, if you want to get a foothold and want to "get ahead", it is too difficult to rely on your own efforts, so many people will think that marriage is a "life-changing" opportunity, but only see the economic factors.
For many young people, the habit of advanced consumption and the influence of consumerism make them form some "big-spending" habits in their lives, but after marriage, the consumption concept between two people must coincide.
Whether it is saving or re-enjoying, in fact, as long as the two are consistent, there will not be too much of a problem. Especially after having children, if the consumption concept does not match, then the relationship is difficult to last.
3. Respect each other's personal values
In the traditional concept, people will think that for a woman, if she can "marry a good person" and then become a good wife and mother, a husband and a godson, in fact, the value of life has been realized.
However, with the development of society, people are more and more exposed to various trends of thought, especially for women, their status in society and culture has been significantly improved.
The same is true in marriage and love, as a man, if the "machismo" is too heavy, usually ignore or even suppress each other's habits, then it will lead to the other party is difficult to be satisfied at the level of personal value, and sooner or later there will be problems between the two people.
As a woman, it is the same, to be clear that you are not a vassal of the other party, there is no need to stick to each other all the time, to find your own color.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
Edit | Rain
The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
参考资料：Vogel, D. L., & Wester, S. R. (2003). To seek help or not to seek help: The risks of self-disclosure. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 50(3), 351.