Think back, when your child encounters these situations, will he cry and cry without a word?
Difficulty in making games
Get into trouble with the kids
Want toys mom does not buy
……
It's no exaggeration to say that most human cubs grow up crying. No wonder people often say,
Children are still young, and it is normal to cry!
My child just loves to cry, born, no way.
Having said that, it is necessary to clarify that "crying" is not that children like to cry, but that children lack the ability to control their emotions and express them.
Parents can also think about it, usually when children cry, how do they do it?
These 3 practices for parents
Let the child only cry when things happen
The younger the child, the easier it is to express needs and vent emotions in a crying way.
Babies under the age of 1 may cry because they are hungry, tired, and wet diapers, and parents should respond and reassure them in time. As children age, their language skills and self-control will gradually improve, and the situation of crying and crying at every turn will also decrease.
Although for adults, every time a child cries is very devastating, for a child, there is no unprovoked crying, only emotions and needs that are not seen by adults.
In other words, children crying is a normal performance, and how parents look at and respond is the key.
Image source: giphy.com
For example, I have agreed with my child to watch only 10 minutes of video, and when the time comes, my child is still trying to continue watching... What would you do then?
Here are 3 of the most common coping styles to see if you're one of them.
Method 1: Although it is not good to watch for a long time, but the child wants to see me is really helpless, continue to show the TA enough
Image source: Stand Cool Helo
This practice is typical of the unrestricted tolerance of a child's emotions. Such parents fully understand and tolerate their children, and are good parents in the eyes of their children. Because whether it is afraid of needles, cries when sad, or hits people and throws things when angry, parents are always on their side.
This kind of over-tolerance will make children have no sense of boundaries, always self-centered, even if they are not happy, they will not say why or what happened, as long as venting.
Is it because the time is up before the video is watched, or do you simply want to watch more? Outsiders have no way of judging, only endless crying. The next time you watch the video, this will still happen again.
When you grow up, such a personality is easily excluded in group life. And when they encounter difficulties, they often feel deep helplessness and fear, but it is difficult to concentrate on thinking about problems and solutions.
Practice two: can not see is not able to see, such a small thing to cry what to cry? Don't cry! Don't try to pretend to be pitiful and let me show you one more minute
Contrary to the previous practice, such parents are very strict with their children, not only controlling their children's behavior, but also their emotional expression.
In the eyes of such parents, negative emotions are dark, sadness makes people vulnerable, fear makes people timid, anger is provocation and disrespect, and tears and temper are tricks used by children to control their parents for their goals.
They will use criticism, punishment, and even scolding to completely eliminate the child's negative emotions. Let the child mistakenly think that sadness, fear, anger and other emotions are not normal, and the self who appears in these emotions is also abnormal.
When encountering emotional problems, such children will not only not face, but also blindly suppress, do not express, do not know how to be good, girls are easy to become melancholy, boys are easy to become impulsive, which will greatly affect the development of children in learning and socializing.
Method three: Don't you just can't watch the video, give you a lollipop to have fun, forget about it
This method essentially relies on diverting attention to ease the child's mood. This is because parents think that their children are still young and do not understand anything, and they buy a lollipop and fool around.
Their mantras also include "Isn't it that the doll is gone, what a big deal" and "What's there to cry, shame on your face".
In their view, crying for these small things is a manifestation of "childishness" and need not be taken too seriously. So as long as the child shows negative emotions such as sadness and fear, parents will find ways to divert the child's attention and make the child happy again.
In the long run, the child's emotions are always ignored and denied, resulting in the child's performance in feeling and regulating emotions is very slow, and it is easy to produce inferiority complex.
When they encounter problems, they will only vent their emotions in a simple and rude way, that is, crying. When you grow up, you are likely to overeat or choose to escape. Instead of trying to express and solve it.
The three methods described above correspond to three different parenting styles. The famous psychologist and interpersonal relationship master John Gottman divides the parents corresponding to these three methods into laissez-faire parents, repressive parents and neglectful parents.
Of course, these three types of parents love their children, but in general, they have one thing in common: they are only concerned with solving their children's current cries, but they do not teach their children to face or express emotions correctly. So the child encounters suffering and setbacks, does not know how to vent emotions and actively deal with problems, and will only cry at every turn.
2 principles 4 steps
Let the child stop crying without moving
Inclusion is not right, and distraction is not good, so how to do it better?
Let's start by understanding two general principles:
First, we must recognize that emotions are not right or wrong. Everyone can feel positive emotions such as happiness and happiness, but also negative emotions such as sadness and anger.
Repressive parents and neglective parents should not equate negative emotions with "bad emotions", that is, children crying and making trouble are not necessarily "bad things" that will only have a negative impact. Only by understanding and accepting all of the child's emotions can we help him learn to express his emotions in the right way.
Second, we should also separate emotions from behaviors. As mentioned earlier, there is no right or wrong in the child's emotions, and parents can accept it 100%, but there are good and bad behaviors, and boundaries must be set. This is also where laissez-faire parents need to change.
On the basis of understanding the two principles, parents can first teach their children to express emotions, and then guide their children how to deal with emotions and cope with difficulties. Here are 4 key steps for you.
1. Detect your child's emotions first, so you don't have to rush to correct your behavior
Simply put, when a child is angry and sad, we need to be able to read how he feels at the moment and realize that "this is a good opportunity to teach the child to manage his emotions."
Doesn't that sound simple? But in real life, we often misinterpret children's emotional signals.
For example, if the toy breaks down, the child is very angry and throws it heavily on the ground. Many parents see this scene and only read that their children are "willful, grumpy, and do not cherish objects", but they do not realize the feelings of sadness and anger in their children at this moment.
If we only think about correcting our child's behavior and turning a blind eye to his feelings, we will miss a good opportunity to teach him to manage his emotions.
2. Instead of asking the child "Why did you throw the toy?", ask the child", "Are you angry/sad?"
When they see their children crying, especially when they don't know the specific reason, many parents will be anxious to ask, "Why are you crying?" But for young children, it is almost impossible to answer this question.
First, the child's language ability and cognitive ability are limited, and it may not be clear what is going on. Second, people can't think rationally when they are in strong emotions, and adults can't do it, let alone children. Persistently asking the child "why" will only make him more confused and irritable.
Suggest you change it to asking, "Are you angry," did you/how did you throw the toy away, can you tell me what was going on?"
Asking the child how he feels, or asking what happened in the "what's wrong" sentence, can make the child feel more understanding and help us find the trigger of the emotion.
During the questioning process, remember to be sure to stand in the child's position to understand his feelings. Communication can only continue if you first understand your child and connect with him.
3. Teach children to discern emotions and let them feel understood by their parents
Children don't know how to express emotions correctly, they don't even know why they feel this way, which is not normal.
Here, labeling your child's emotions is a very important step. Gottman calls it "installing a handle on the door of emotion."
Just as it is difficult for us to open a door without a handle, without knowing the name of the emotion, it is difficult for the child to understand, remember, and process the emotion. So we have to tell him, "You're angry/sad/scared/disappointed."
Let the child know that each feeling has a name, these feelings are normal, parents can understand their feelings, not only can enhance the trust between parents and children, help him build self-confidence, but also help him learn to accept and express his emotions.
4. Separate emotions and behaviors and guide your child to solve problems
It is a very important step to let the child no longer just cry and cry when things happen, but to find a way to solve the problem and separate emotions and behaviors.
Children throw toys because they are angry, on the one hand, we must accept the child's feeling of "angry", on the other hand, we must let him know that there are many ways to express anger, such as saying with the mouth, taking a deep breath, pinching the ball, etc., but throwing things is not allowed. This step helps the child restrain his or her behavior.
Second, it is also important to guide your child to solve problems. It is because the child cannot solve the problem that he will vent in a crying way. If we help him come up with a solution, such as fixing the toy, finding an adult to help, changing to a new way of playing, etc., in the future, when he encounters similar things, the child will focus on solving the problem instead of crying.
John Gottman refers to parents who adopt this "know emotions first, then manage behavior" approach to education as "emotional management training parents."
It can be seen that such parents are very sensitive to their children's emotions. Once the child's emotional changes are perceived, they will pay attention to it in time to understand and identify with the child's emotions. The most important thing is to instruct the child to express emotions in an appropriate way and set boundaries for the child's behavior. This is also where the three types of parents mentioned above are lacking.
Teaching children to express emotions and deal with emotions is not an easy task, it cannot be achieved overnight, and it requires the patient guidance of parents and repeated practice of children. But as long as the method is right, the child will develop towards a good method.
Content cooperation expert Chen Yan
Ph.D. in Child Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences
Master of Finance, Fudan University
Audit expert Su Jing
National Certified Counselor
Curated: Beautiful
Producer: Astro Boy
Title image source: Stand Cool Helo