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John Gottman's Happy Marriage:
The core of the tension between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the turf war launched by two women in order to get the love of a man.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong also wrote in "Why Home Hurts People":
The essence of the mother-in-law relationship is a triangular relationship, which is essentially two women competing for a man.
In fact, the essence of the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is not only the struggle between two women for a man's love, but also the struggle of two women for the dominance of the small family.
Many men feel that it is obviously a trivial matter, why can the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law fight for the world? In fact, in the final analysis, they are fighting for the dominance of small families.
01. How to solve the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?
If you want to solve the problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, you must grasp the essence of the problem. The essence of the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is that two women compete for the dominance of the small family, and since it is the dominance of the small family, it means that the mother-in-law's behavior is beyond the line.
As a member of a small family, men must know how to stand up at the right time and help their wives defend the boundaries of the small family.
As John Gottman put it in Happy Marriage:
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has gone wrong, and the husband must stand with his wife. Instead of staying neutral and just being a good old man.
In the TV series "Know It or Not", Sheng Minglan also said:
The mother-in-law affair is, in the final analysis, a husband and wife affair. If the husband's heart is like a mirror, there are not so many things.
Men are the core of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and also the key to resolving the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
In the marriage relationship, men must make a difference, must put the husband and wife relationship in the first place, the family can be harmonious, and the marriage can be happy.
02. Take the initiative to pick up your mother-in-law to come and live together
The marriage of the reader Meng Lan (pseudonym) is also deeply troubled by the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
However, her husband Zhao Han (pseudonym), instead of standing by her side, joined hands with her mother-in-law to personally destroy their marriage.
Meng Lan and Zhao Han met on a blind date. At that time, Meng Lan had just come out of the setbacks of a previous relationship, and Zhao Han, who looked honest and sincere, just met her mate selection criteria.
The conditions of the two were almost the same, so they hit it off, and after more than half a year of dating, they solved the marriage matter.
In fact, from the day Meng Lan began to go on a blind date, she did not have too many expectations for marriage, she only hoped that her marriage would not have too much trouble, and it would be smooth and smooth.
Unexpectedly, life after marriage is a chicken feather.
Zhao Han was born into a single-parent family. The mother-in-law was widowed in her early years, never remarried, and single-handedly cultivated Zhao Han as an adult.
Listening to Zhao Han, the father-in-law was an "alcoholic" before he died, and often when he was drunk and drunk, he vented the resentment of life on his mother-in-law, and scolded him either.
From Zhao Han's words, Meng Lan heard the deep love between mother and child, as well as the deeper meaning behind it.
As a woman, she sympathizes with her mother-in-law. She had met her mother-in-law many times before marriage, and her mother-in-law was a kind woman who cared kindly about her...
Therefore, Meng Lan did not wait for Zhao Han to say more clearly, so he offered to take his mother-in-law to live together after marriage.
03. Men's inaction is the root cause of the deterioration of the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law
When the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law first got along, they were careful to maintain a friendly relationship with each other.
However, after all, the two have great differences in life background, three views, living habits, personality and temperament. Under the same roof, long time close together, it is inevitable that there will be bumps.
What troubled Meng Lan the most was the mother-in-law's subconscious hostility towards her.
As Wu Zhihong said:
Chinese mothers like to build a symbiotic relationship with their sons, the symbiotic relationship has a strong xenophobia, the mother-in-law will see the daughter-in-law as an intruder, and is an absolute intruder, so there is great hostility.
The mother-in-law, like Chen Songling's mother-in-law in "Mother-in-law and Mother", has a strong attachment and possessiveness to her son.
In life, the mother-in-law always subconsciously competes with Meng Lan for Zhao Han's love. She snatched up most of the things that should have been done by her wife, and she did it better than Meng Lan.
Over time, Meng Lan will inevitably complain and will inevitably clash with her mother-in-law.
However, Zhao Han, who was loyal and honest before marriage and obedient to her words, was indiscriminate and spoke completely from the position of his mother-in-law.
Knowingly, there is a question: what is the worst marriage like?
Someone below replied: Bad marriage is a one-man show, and you live as an island in endless days.
In the marriage, Meng Lan lived into an isolated island, watching Zhao Han and her mother-in-law every day, staging a "mother-child love".
When she was cold, she found out that she was pregnant.
04. The mother-in-law's words have been fulfilled in herself
After becoming pregnant, her mother-in-law's attitude towards her was much better, and Zhao Han also began to love and care for her. But the good times are not long, after the birth of the child, there are more trivial things, followed by more quarrels.
Zhao Han is still in the confusion of life role conversion, coupled with the pressure of work, he is disturbed by the chicken flying dog jump between his mother-in-law and daughter-in-law every day.
Zhao Han did not take responsibility, but chose to escape. After work, he often drank with friends, drank until midnight and then came home, and then fell asleep.
There is a saying that says:
A good mother-in-law relationship is not necessarily helpful for maintaining a marriage; a bad mother-in-law relationship is definitely a "catalyst" for the breakdown of a marriage.
After a drink, Zhao Han scolded Meng Lan, who complained to him, and finally developed into a move.
Meng Lan decided to end the marriage. After Zhao Han woke up, he regretted it endlessly, whispered to Meng Lan for forgiveness, and finally saw Meng Lan's resolute attitude, he even knelt down and swore...
When the mother-in-law saw it, she was heartbroken, and she was originally very persuaded, and she was furious, pulled Zhao Han up, and said: "Leave, sooner or later, she will cry and beg you to remarry." ”
In the mother-in-law's cognition, a woman with a child, divorce is only a means of blackmail, and Meng Lan will not really leave.
The mother-in-law feels that it is easy for a second-married man to find a daughter-in-law, and it is difficult for a woman who is married for the second time with children to remarry.
At Meng Lan's insistence, she ended her marriage and left with her children.
After she left, Zhao Han regretted it endlessly, borrowing wine every day to pour sorrow, not only repeatedly making mistakes in his work, but also after a drink, he lost his foot and fell into a ditch on the side of the road, and his hands were broken.
The mother-in-law looked at her scarred son and began to regret it. What she had said was quickly fulfilled in herself.
In order to cheer up her son, the mother-in-law went to the door of Menglan Company every day and tearfully begged Menglan and her son to remarry.
Once bitten by a snake, ten years afraid of well rope. How could Meng Lan agree to her request?
05. The relationship between husband and wife is the core of the family
Wu Zhihong wrote in "Why Home Hurts People":
If the relationship between husband and wife is the core of the family and has the first say, then the family will be rock solid.
In a healthy family relationship, the relationship between husband and wife is greater than anything else.
As a husband, at any time, you must stand with your wife and manage the relationship between husband and wife well, in order to better handle the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
Why are some people able to stay together for a lifetime in marriage, while others are surviving in marriage?
Marriage Pope, the famous psychologist John Gottman, in the classic work "Happy Marriage", used big data to restore the truth of the marriage relationship.
Happy Marriage is a very practical guide to marriage that any couple can benefit from. If you also want to improve your marital relationship, you can read this book with your heart.
May your marriage also be happy and long-lasting.
Well, today is here, I hope that each issue of the story can bring friends a little emotional thinking, like Yu'er, please pay attention to me, give the article like collection recommended Oh, thank you we will see you in the next issue ~