Parental control, partner quarrels, children disobedience, the essence of this problem

The nature of many problems

It's because you don't handle the "relationship" well.

We often receive "How to handle a relationship?" in the background. Message:

My relationship with my mother-in-law is very poor, she always intervenes in my daily life, what if I don't want to change?

I am a mother of two children, and I am worried that I have learned so many courses and read so many articles, and I am still helpless when I encounter problems with my children! What should I do?

I work diligently, my superiors still nitpick, I will be scolded if I do well or not, I can't think straight, my heart is unbalanced, why doesn't God reward good people?

A while ago, my girlfriend Juanzi also cried with me:

Since the birth of the child, the girlfriend can only give up the original salary is still good job, at home full-time with the child, both parents are old and not good, can only occasionally come to help take care of the child.

When the girlfriend was washing dishes, the child cried, let the husband help bring a belt, shouted several times without moving, had to put down the matter at hand to coax the child, only to see the husband actually playing mobile phone on the sofa.

Juanzi exploded at once, and the two people quarreled:

"I just asked you to help with the baby, didn't you hear that?" Now you come back from work and only know how to play games, housework or anything, the baby doesn't bring, are you and me babysitters?!!"

"I'll just play the game, are you so angry?" I'm already very tired during the day, I have to work and have to deal with colleagues and leaders, and when I come back at night, I have to take care of your feelings, so who takes care of my feelings?"

"Isn't it me alone with the kids day and night now?" Have I ever complained about you? My nerves are tense every day with my baby, you are tired from work, so am I not tired with my children!?"

When the quarrel was serious, Juanzi's husband slammed the door in a menacing manner, leaving Juanzi alone to hold the child and cry bitterly at home...

How can such a relationship impasse be handled? We specifically asked Professor Li Songwei, a doctor of clinical psychology at Peking University, for advice.

Teacher Li said: When encountering relationship problems, we need to change the perspective of relationships to look at and solve problems.

Transforming relationship perspectives to look at the problem:

First, tear off the label and rediscover the needs of all parties in the relationship

In a relationship, in order to get acquainted with both parties faster, we often label ourselves or each other, such as saying that I am a person who "likes to read" when introducing ourselves, which is the label I attach to myself, which helps everyone to quickly discover my characteristics and habits in order to understand me.

But labels don't explain everything about people and things, and sometimes even prevent us from getting to know ourselves and others better.

For example, Teacher Li explained juanzi's dilemma of the conjugal relationship in this way:

Juanzi labeled her husband "not caring about family members" and also labeled herself "widowed parenting". These labels seem to be "creating" the fact that the role of the father in their family relationship does not exist.

The husband also labeled Juanzi, such as "a woman who does not understand people" and "a long-winded woman", as if he is "creating" the fact that Juanzi is a "person who cannot communicate well".

When we tear off the label and ignore the accusatory comments, what is the real need of Juanzi and her husband in the relationship?

Behind Juanzi's angry scolding of her husband for not taking care of the family is the hope that her husband will accompany the family more, and behind the husband's slamming the door is the demand that he hopes that his wife will understand himself more. In the lower consciousness, they all want to be able to take good care of the family.

Therefore, tearing off the label is the first step for teacher Li Songwei to tell us to change the perspective of the relationship, helping us to "rediscover" the existence of both sides and better understand each other's needs.

Second, turn "what I want you to do" into "what we want to do"

In the second step, Ms. Li Songwei taught us a great way to change the perspective of relationships: from "what do I want you to do" to "how we want to do it".

There is a couple who are "very quarrelsome". When things are uncomfortable, they will say things out in time, not rush to "label" each other, but tell each other what makes them uncomfortable, confide in each other what they really want, and ask the other party to help them solve these problems together.

You see, the quarrel is not to ask the two people to be able to argue and argue according to reason, but after the quarrel, the two people can very cleverly use Teacher Li's method of changing the perspective of the relationship to properly solve the relationship problem. Even after the quarrel, the couple's relationship was better.

We often have some troubles in our daily lives:

We want parents to stop eating leftovers and buying health care products;

We want our children to brush their teeth well, eat well, and don't mess things up;

But we tend to overlook that these behaviors may make sense from each other's perspective:

The elderly buy health care products because health product salesmen will often come to "take care" of them;

Your child doesn't brush his teeth well because you don't spend enough time playing with him.

So what do we do next?

We must understand that parents are willing to "buy" some "companionship" to make up for the "lack" of their own companionship does not seem to be a bad thing, parents can let their children check the "health care products", so as not to be really deceived into buying inferior products;

We need to spend less time playing on mobile phones and chores, and reward these times to children, who can play their favorite games with their parents after "brushing their teeth" and "finishing eating".

In the perspective of conflict, we put each other in opposite positions, intensifying the contradiction; and after switching to the perspective of relationship, we can turn "opponent" into "teammate".

The other day, I watched a variety show about cooking, eating and partying together in a three-story villa, and the guest invited in the first phase was Zhao Liying.

It is said that the day of the recording of the program was the day after Zhao Liying announced her divorce, so the whole person seemed to be in a trance during the whole recording process, and has always been silent and absent-minded.

In order to break her silence, He Ling asked her what the content of the circle of friends had recently been sent?

As a result, Zhao Liying was silent for a long time, did not answer the question, and preferred to choose washing dishes as punishment.

Although it is a good gathering and a good dispersion, and Feng Shaofeng's Weibo announcement of divorce is also light, but the marriage has been a time, from full of expectations to establish a family, to the face of contradictions, incompatibility, one shot and two dispersions, it is always an unpleasant experience.

It's not hard to get married, it's hard to run a good marriage. Sometimes even if one party is willing to pay, willing to sacrifice, give in, and compromise, the other party may be indifferent and give up business.

When you start a marriage, everyone has good expectations for the future, you want to be a good wife, a good mother, a warm home, he wants someone to help him manage his home and support his career...

When two people's expectations of each other are in agreement, they can work together to move forward.

Once the expectations of each other are different, it will lead to contradictions.

Yang Lele, the host of Hunan TV and the wife of Wang Han, who has not made a comeback on television for a long time, said a paragraph in a recent interview that aroused the resonance of many wives.

The host asked her: After having children, will you ignore your other half?

Yang Lele said, it will be. And Wang Han would occasionally complain to her, saying that she was "a very good mother, but not a very good wife."

Speaking of this, Yang Lele choked up, and she reflected on herself: "I am not good enough." ”

From the two people's past programs and friends' sharing, it can be seen that Wang Han is not a father who does not care about anything, he attaches importance to his children's education, will accompany him to read, take him to watch dramas...

He is also well aware of his wife's difficulties, in addition to the necessary work, rarely participate in boring socializing, but go home to spend time with her family.

Even so, he still has high requirements for Yang Lele: he is both a good mother and a good wife.

And when Yang Lele did his best to take care of his children every day, he also had to face the blame of "not being a good wife", and his heart must be wronged.

Therefore, netizens reminded Wang Han in the comment area: When complaining that Yang Lele is not a good wife, do you also reflect on whether you are a good father and husband?

There is no perfect person in the world, there is no perfect wife, husband, mother, father, we always have an expectation: I have done a good job, achieved 99 points, you can not also work hard, to achieve 50 points?

As a result, in the other person's heart, if you can achieve 30 points, you will be very satisfied with yourself.

Why men are more satisfied and happier in marriage than women, for the most part, they have lower expectations of themselves and don't mind what others think of me.

Zhang Defen, the author of "Meet the Unknown Self" and a famous writer, once proposed a concept of "happiness in one hand".

She found that some people's happiness comes from themselves, or from what they do, and their happiness is "one-handed" and easier to be happy.

Some people's happiness is entrusted to others, parents praise me, children rely on me, partners love me, colleagues appreciate me, I am happy, this happiness is "second-hand".

For example, some artists, when they are not famous, create with a very pure mood, the process of creation is enjoyable and happy, once they have fame, their works will be evaluated by the market, he will no longer enjoy the process of creation, and give happiness to the evaluation of others.

Some mothers, the child must be good in all aspects, she can be at ease;

Some wives, husbands want to be good to her, she is a sunny day, if you give her a look, she is nervous...

Zhang Defen said: "Almost all marriage problems come from the fact that we give up most of our first-hand happiness, relying on the stability of marriage and the performance of our partners to let us achieve second-hand happiness." ”

Looking back on our lives, if you just had a fight over life trivialities, because the other party did not communicate well and got angry, can you still enjoy the joy of reading and sports alone? Can you still have "one-hand happiness"?

When we are alone, reading, traveling, exercising, shopping, watching performances, and even cleaning up our homes can make us feel happy.

When there are two people, these "one-handed happiness" gradually disappear, and whether we are happy or not depends more on each other.

How did you behave today, did you see that the home is cleaner and praised you;

Have you ever shared the joys and sorrows of the day with you;

Have not taken the initiative to take care of housework;

How is the child doing in school;

Has there been a more obedient and sensible way for you...

Christopher Meng, author of the classic "Intimacy", who wrote the classic "Intimacy", in "The Continuation of Intimacy- Unrestrained Relationships", put forward a subversive point of view: your partner is not the source of your happiness or the cause of your pain, you are yourself.

We will think that there is a person in the world who is my "true destiny", and if we find him, there will be only happiness in the future; we will think that our partner has the right to make us happy.

But the truth is, if you feel unhappy, it's not because others make you unhappy, it's because you make yourself unhappy.

If you're uncomfortable in a relationship and often get angry about small things, it means it touches a sore point in your personality, one of your old scars.

As long as the scar is not good, then even if you change partners, you will still be irritated by the same thing.

Christopher Meng said: "The real purpose of marriage and intimacy is to set you on a journey to find your true self. To find sincere and eternal intimacy is to find oneself. ”

In his book The Continuation of Intimacy – The Unrestrained Relationship, he proposes eight principles of unfettered relationships:

My partner is not the source of my happiness, I am.

My partner is not the cause of my unhappiness or pain.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't change my partner.

The problems in the relationship are just stories.

Particularity is not love.

My partner supports me in growing up in acceptance, awareness, and appreciation.

My partner and I each have our own boat.

Communication with a partner reflects emotional maturity and state of consciousness.

Reading the analysis behind each principle and what we want in our hearts will benefit your relationship a lot.