Hello everyone, I'm Cuckoo Mama~
Take Bu Ni to the neighbor's house to play, just when the neighbor's big treasure Xuan Xuan is at home on vacation.
Xuan Xuan was lying on the table writing his homework, and when the neighbor Bao Mom saw it, she reminded: "Xuan Xuan, how come you are lying on the table again, how many times have I told you, sit up straight." ”
After Xuan Xuan heard this, he immediately straightened up. But not long after, he unconsciously went back to his stomach.
After Bao Ma saw it, she lost her temper: "Didn't you say don't lie down, why are you so disobedient?" In the future, others will not have to laugh at you. ”
Xuan Xuan was a little impatient, and pushed back: "Hunchback is hunchback, what's there?" ”
Upon hearing this, Bao Ma stopped drying, and her voice raised a tone: "Is the hunchback okay?" You child, how can you love to resist, what will happen in the future? ”
Xuan Xuan didn't answer angrily: "Out of breath, out of breath, out of breath can be eaten as a meal?" ”
At this point, Bao Ma really lost her temper and slammed the table: "I'm really angry, why can't I do it, the first place to resist the mouth." I really raised you in vain, and I knew it was better not to give birth. ”
Xuan Xuan was also angry, and loudly replied, "Who let you give birth, I didn't let you give birth to me!" ”
"Snap", Bao Ma raised her palm and hit it.
Seeing this scene, I quickly took Bu Yu back home. On the way back, I kept thinking, how can a good mother and son make a fuss about a few words?
This may be that Xuan Xuan resisted his mouth, causing his mother's dissatisfaction, so the more the two of them talked, the more urgent they were, and the more they talked, the more emotional they were.
Children resist, not only big children like Xuan Xuan, but even children like Bu Yu. As soon as they get in a hurry, they will talk back to you without hesitation.
What is the case with the child resisting?
One: Children will have a rebellious psychology
Psychology believes that the way parents order or deny the way of speaking will arouse the child's rebellious psychology.
These ways of speaking include, "Why do you + negative information" and "How do you + negative information".
For a while, I was too busy at work, coupled with lazy worms, and I put my things at my fingertips and did not return to my original place. Things are messed up and often looked for everywhere. Bao Dad couldn't look at it, so he said, "Why don't you take it and put it back?" Why do you always have to pile it up like this? ”
I confess that what he said was true and had a point. But my current feeling is: I don't want to change, I just pile it up, I'm comfortable, I'm happy.
You may say that I am a bit unreasonable, and I know that I am wrong and do not change. Well, I know the truth, but I just don't want to change it.
At that time, I didn't understand why I had emotions, but later I understood that it was a rebellious psychology. Because just doing it and correcting it doesn't mean I'm wrong? I don't want to admit mistakes.
Why does Papa stir up my rebellious heart?
Because of the way he speaks ("Why do you + negative messages") makes me feel like he's accusing me. And I immediately turned on the defensive mode, using the method of death and unrepentance to fight him.
(You can pay attention to the fact that if a colleague or partner keeps telling you, "Why are you always doing something bad," "Why are you so sloppy," or "Why don't you clean the house," your reaction after listening to it is to accept it happily, or to push it back angrily?) ）
In the same way, when children hear their parents say these negative words, even if they know that they are wrong, they are not willing to correct them, or even resist.
Just like Xuan Xuan's mouth, it also stems from his mother's sentence "Why don't you obey it, and in the future, others must not laugh at you." Is Xuan Xuan willing to turn into a hunchback? Definitely not. He just uses gambling to vent his emotions.
And the mother did not back down, the more the two talked more and more excited, the more they talked, the more angry they became. Good intentions do bad things, and bad things turn into quarrels.
Two: The difference between the child's mouth and the child's mouth is huge after 10 years
Many times, when we encounter children who talk back, they will have a strong sense of frustration. Moreover, emotions are easily agitated, and finally, with the advantage and authority of adults, force children to give in and submit.
But what we don't know is that the child's temporary concessions will explode in an amazing way 10 years later. Because at that time, they were going through a period that made you both headache and helpless — adolescence.
A psychology teacher told me that adolescent children, who seem to be rebellious at the moment, are working against you. But in fact, these emotions were accumulated by him since childhood.
When he was a child, he was physically and mentally immature, and at best he was passive and sluggish, taking your words as the wind in his ears, or occasionally resisting his mouth.
When a child enters puberty, whether it is physical or psychological, it tends to be semi-mature. And at this time, they are also eager to get out of the control of their parents and act according to their own wishes and opinions.
Children who are allowed to talk back from an early age, their parents actually give them a venting channel. Let them vent their emotions in the moment. After the emotions have passed, the child will calm down, he will think and reflect, and look at the matter correctly.
When they enter puberty, their rebellion may be relatively mild. Parents also don't find it so tricky and powerless.
But children who are not allowed to be talked about from an early age have all their emotions accumulated in their hearts, and they accumulate more and more, deeper and deeper. When it erupts, the consequences will be extremely destructive. And they will close the channels of communication with their parents, and even argue with you at every turn.
Therefore, it is not a bad thing to allow children to talk back appropriately.
Three: Change the way you communicate
Of course, if you say a word, the child will resist it. I believe that no matter how good-tempered parents are, they can't hold back. Moreover, when the child is used to talking back, he does not know how to think in a different position, does not think about the problem itself, but resists in order to resist the mouth.
Therefore, when we find that the child is talking back, we can reflect on whether it is because we have used the above destructive communication methods to arouse the child's rebellious heart.
At this time, we may as well change the way we speak.
●From blame-type questioning to reason-seeking questioning
If her mother always saw Xuan Xuan lying on the table, she was not anxious to correct the problem, but asked: "Xuan Xuan, mother sees that you always like to lie on your stomach, is it uncomfortable to sit or what?" Can you tell your mother about it? ”
In the face of such concerned questions, Xuan Xuan will most likely not resist, but will discuss with his mother the reason why he likes to lie down. It is possible that you are tired of writing and need a break. Maybe the light was too dim for him to see clearly. Maybe the chair wasn't comfortable, and he felt a little better when he was lying on his stomach.
In this way, they can look for the cause of the problem together and then find a suitable solution. Rather than just eliminating superficial behavior without addressing the root cause
●Replace destructive questions with constructive questions
When Xuan Xuan resisted, if his mother stopped accusing him, he would change from destructive questioning to constructive questioning. Maybe Xuan Xuan wouldn't continue to talk back to his mother.
For example, your mother can ask: "You are always lying on the table, and your mother is worried that you will hunch over, what do you think you can do to not let your mother worry?" ”
At this time, Xuan Xuan would truly feel his mother's concern, not accusation. He will be willing to make changes for the sake of those who care about him and love him.
When he feels safe inside, he will be more willing to confide in his heart and tell his mother what he thinks. Between parents and children, it will become more and more harmonious.
Communicating with children is an art. May parents be able to be their children's art directors
Does your child resist? What do you do with this situation?
【Picture from the Internet, invasion and deletion】
About the author: Cuckoo mom, a good observation, thinking, method of the mother. Focus on children's psychology, read children's easy parenting, like to pay attention to it~