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When I washed her, I asked her to brush her teeth. The toothpaste was squeezed, the water was poured, and she picked up the toothbrush. I turned around satisfied and went to wash my face.
When I finished washing my face and looked back, she was brushing hard with her toothbrush, so hard with each stroke that she brushed the floor clean.
I was so excited that I didn't hold back and yelled at her, what are you doing? Bu Yu was so frightened that she threw down her toothbrush and cried, but I ignored her and walked out.
Bu Yu quickly chased up, hugged my thigh tightly, crying and shouting, Mom, Mom...
I sighed in my heart, turned around, and hugged her. After that, she followed me wherever I went, and politely poured me water, clothes, and said Mom, I love you so much.
I believe that this kind of chicken flying dog jumping daily, many parents have experienced, and will find that after yelling at the child, he seems to be more clingy.
Why is it that every time he loses his temper with his child, he not only does not "remember revenge", but will be more affectionate with you, and even take the initiative to do something to please you?
In fact, if you dig deeper into the reasons behind it, you may be very distressed.
One: out of the need for "attachment"
In "Developmental Psychology", it is pointed out that children will have an "attachment" mentality to their parents.
When a child is attached to his parents, he will accept the parents in its entirety, which is actually "unconditional love".
We love children, and it is inevitable to add some additional conditions: obedience, obedience, good grades, excellent and so on. But the child loves us unconditionally, whether we are beautiful or ugly, rich or poor, the child loves and clings to us unconditionally.
Therefore, the child will try to maintain the image of the parent in his heart, even if we yell at him or even scold, the child will not think that the parents are "bad" and bad. He would blame himself in his heart because I didn't do a good job, so Mom and Dad lost their temper.
And in order to make up for his mistakes, and to determine whether his parents still love him, he will come over to "ask for a hug" and even do a series of flattering things, just to make you discouraged.
Occasionally, once or twice, this situation is not a big problem, but if it happens frequently, the child will develop insecurity and will not be able to establish a strong attachment relationship with the parents.
Over time, you will find that the child will become more and more afraid of you, and become more and more distant from you, and will not dare to be close to you.
Two: the need for security and belonging
Maslow divided human needs into five levels, the second and third levels being the "need for security" and the "need for belonging."
After the child is yelled at, he urgently needs to be forgiven and responded to by his parents because of his inner fear that his parents really don't want him anymore. For a child who cannot survive independently, there is no doubt that "security" will be threatened.
When the parent rejects him, the child will have no sense of belonging, and he needs to be accepted by his parents again, so he will cry and ask for a hug.
I see some parents who are so angry that they shut their children out of the door in order to teach their children a lesson. Although the child will be frightened to become obedient at the moment, in fact, the child's heart will have a deep sense of fear, because he is in danger of being abandoned.
Although we adults are only frightened, the child will take it seriously, and when his sense of security and belonging feel threatened, this matter will leave a deep imprint on his heart, and may even be remembered for a lifetime.
Therefore, even if we are angry again, we should not scare the child too much, which may affect the child's personality and make him timid and cautious.
Three: Out of love
I believe that many parents, when they hit their children, are only because of a momentary emotion. And after the incident, there will be immense regrets.
When we feel that we have done something wrong and apologize to the child, the child will not hesitate to forgive and say that he is not angry with us at all.
We always think that parents love their children the most. But in fact, the child's love for his parents is far deeper than we think. As mentioned above, a child's love for his parents is unconditional.
Even if the parents lose their temper, the child will explain themselves inwardly, saying that Mom and Dad are the best parents. As a result, they will selectively forget and only remember the good of their parents.
Therefore, when we face children doing wrong things, we still have to be more patient and not kill them without moving. The reason why they don't remember their revenge after being yelled at is really heartbreaking.
Four: How to control yourself not to yell at your children?
In the process of "fighting wits and courage" with children, it is really difficult for parents not to lose their temper once. After all, we are also parents for the first time, we also have emotions, we also have impatient times.
It's just that whenever you want to lose your temper, you might as well make yourself aware of it: I'm on the verge of emotional loss of control.
If the temper does not come out, we are uncomfortable, but scold the child, and afterwards we regret it, thinking that the child is too pitiful. At this time, we may as well use the method proposed by psychologist Rudolph: look for a comfort zone.
This comfort zone is where you feel a little better. If you think reading a book can make you better, you can read a book; if you think that chasing a drama can make you feel comfortable, then chase a drama. Until you feel like you're in a better mood, can handle things rationally, and then come back to face your child.
In fact, staying in the comfort zone is to calm your mood and not make wrong decisions because your emotions are out of control.
After re-facing the child, we can handle things more rationally.
For example, when I see Bu Ni brushing the floor with a toothbrush, I should first listen to why she is doing that. I asked her later that she learned that she saw that the floor was dirty and thought it should be brushed clean.
The child's world is so simple, he does not think too much about gains and losses like us adults, and there are not so many rules and regulations, just feel dirty, she helps to clean up, that's all.
Later I told her, help the floor, the floor will be very grateful to you, but the toothbrush is used to brush teeth, not to brush the floor. We have mops, and if you want to make the floor clean next time, you can take the mop.
After listening to it, every time she wanted to do something, she would ask clearly in advance, Mom, can I use this cloth to wipe the table? Mom, can I take this cup and put it in sand? Mom can I draw on this book? ......
Of course, children will often forget, but what we have to do is to be more patient and then tell her how. Finally, go out of your way and teach it a few more times.
After the child is yelled at, not only does he not "remember revenge", but he is closer to you. Have you ever encountered this situation?
【Picture from the Internet, invasion and deletion】
About the author: Cuckoo mom, a good observation, thinking, method of the mother. Exchange parenting experience, share psychological knowledge, like to pay attention to it~