Hello everyone, I'm Cuckoo Mama~
A mother in the group said that she especially could not hear the child crying, whenever the child was not happy to cry, she immediately exploded, almost with all her strength to yell back at the child: "Don't cry!" ”
I have this experience too.
Usually I take the cloth girl, when there is nothing to do, the mother is kind and filial piety. But as long as Bu Ni cried, it was really testing my endurance.
Often she has nothing to do, but I feel that my emotions have reached the limit, and if I don't find a place to slow down, I may be angry with Bu Yu
Many times, I ask myself, why can't I see my child crying? Why is it that when a child cries, the first thing that cannot control his emotions is myself?
One: Why do we lose control as soon as the child cries?
The book "The Road Few People Walk" mentions that what can trigger your emotions is not the event itself, but your own subjective feelings.
For example, if you happen to know that you have won five million in the face of the child, you may think that no matter how the child cries, it is understandable, and you will try your best to make him happy.
And if you have just been scolded by your boss and excluded by your colleagues, you will come home and see your child crying. At this point, you might be like a fried rooster and just want to beat up this annoying guy.
You see, the same is the case of a child crying, when you are in different subjective feelings, your reaction is completely different.
When you are in a state of anxiety or negative emotions, your child's crying can often drive your own emotions. And in order to drive away this uneasy emotion, or to vent your emotions, you can't help but yell at your child.
But the mother in the group said that when I was in a calm mood, I couldn't hear him crying, and when I cried, I lost control.
This may be related to other factors.
For example, your understanding of crying.
Can we recall that when we were young and cried when we encountered unhappy things, would our parents allow us to cry bitterly?
If the answer is no.
It is likely that your understanding of crying is that crying is meaningless, weak, insoluble, or even annoying.
When you cry, you have not been understood and empathized, so it is difficult for you to accept and empathize with the child.
Parents who are not allowed to cry during childhood naturally do not have the ability to accept and empathize when their children cry. It will only be stopped simply and rudely when the child is crying, thinking that as soon as the crying stops, the problem will disappear.
But what you don't know is that not allowing your child to express emotions will bring him a lot of hidden harm.
Two: What happens to children who are not allowed to cry when they grow up?
We can observe the people around us, those who cry and laugh, often live casually. And those who are good at hiding emotions and are unwilling to express things often live very tired.
In addition, a child who is not allowed to cry from an early age may have the following situations when he grows up.
Emotions cannot be accurately identified
A friend told me about her boyfriend breaking up with her, and after complaining, she asked me: "You say, should I be sad and cry?" ”
At the end of a relationship, as a party, you ask me if you want to cry?
Do I say that he hurt you and you should cry? And then you can cry?
Children who have had their emotions suppressed since childhood are likely to grow up to be like my friend.
Because when emotions are suppressed, he can't recognize his inner fluctuations and doesn't know if these emotions are in time. When faced with the things in life, he can't tell whether he should be angry or sad.
It is difficult to establish deep intimacy with others
Studies have shown that people who rarely cry in front of others have a harder time building deep intimacy with others.
Because when a person cries in front of you, he actually lets go of all his defenses and sincerely exposes himself to you. You will feel that there is a link between your hearts, and the distance is closer.
And if he is not allowed to cry since he was a child and feels that crying is not good, he will habitually hide his vulnerability. Even people close to him will feel that he is very distant and unable to enter his heart.
Emotions look for other outlets to vent
We often hear that when a person encounters something sad, he will "drink alcohol". Or when some people are worried, the cigarettes in his hand are one after another. There are also some people who overeat.
Because they can't find an outlet for their emotions, they look for other alternatives.
Children who are not allowed to cry from an early age may also look for such venting ways to ease their emotions when they grow up.
Three: Smart parents don't say "don't cry," but use these words instead
The book "Whole Brain Parenting Method" mentions that children's brain development is not perfect, and when they encounter things, they mostly use "emotional brains" to solve them.
If the child cries, you ask him to stop or use reasonable methods to make him rational, which is really difficult for him to do.
When a child cries, if the parents don't want to get out of control first, then if you are smart, you can't say "don't cry" anymore, but use the following words instead.
"I want to calm myself down first"
As soon as the child cries, you yourself get out of control first, and the matter is not only not resolved, but may also get worse.
So what you have to do is not to be driven by the child's emotions and to keep calm yourself. If you feel unable to control your emotions, put things down and be alone for a while.
You can say to your child, "I feel terrible right now, I want to calm down alone, and you digest it here for a while." When I feel better, I'll come over. ”
Don't take angry or reproachful tones, just calmly tell your child about your condition and leave quietly. You can go to the bedroom, you can go to the bathroom, listen to a song or see a show that makes you feel better.
For younger children, they can first give the baby to the rest of the family, and then find a place to be alone.
Only by calming yourself down first can you see and deal with things more rationally.
"Cry if you want to"
When the child cries, he rudely says "don't cry", which really can't solve the problem. We may wish to find out why the child is crying, and show understanding and acceptance.
For example, if I want To brush her teeth, she may not like to use toothpaste and procrastinate again and again. After urging a few times, I finally couldn't help it, raised my voice and shouted: Brush your teeth!
Bu Yu was startled by this and began to cry. I tried to control my emotions, just hugged her and said, Mom's voice scared you?
Bu Yu nodded, still crying.
I said, don't you like to brush your teeth with toothpaste, so that your tongue is uncomfortable when it touches it?
Bu Ni said, Hmm. Or continue to cry.
I patted her on the back and said, "If you want to cry, cry."
"Are you coming by yourself, or do you need my help?"
When she's done crying and her emotions calm down, I'll tell her about things and let her use rational thinking to see things.
You yourself look in the mirror and see that the teeth inside have grown moths. Moths will bite your teeth, and then your teeth will hurt. So, we have to brush our teeth with toothpaste.
Then, I offer choices and help: Do you want to brush it yourself, or do you want your mother to brush it for you?
Bu Yu understood that no matter how much she cried, her teeth still had to be brushed, but she could decide for herself whether it was me who helped or whether she would brush it herself.
Crying in the face of children, in fact, it is more testing for us adults.
To control your emotions and not be affected by your child's emotions, sometimes, it is really difficult. But no matter how difficult it is, it is worth our try.
Raising children is actually a growth of parents. May we all be a person who can accept our children's emotions
【Picture from the Internet, invasion and deletion】
About the author: Cuckoo mom, a good observation, thinking, method of the mother. Focus on children's psychology, read children's easy parenting, like to pay attention to it~