Hello everyone, I'm Cuckoo Mama~
The old man in the family always said that my father and I were too accustomed to children.
For example, if Bu Yu does not eat, she should scold and let her eat. And my father and I always said, Oh, the elf in your belly says it's so hungry, it wants to eat some greens and rice.
After the bouquet listened, she began to eat, and after eating, she asked us, what did the elf say?
We replied, and the elf said thank you Bu Ni for giving it such a good green vegetable so that it would have the strength to defeat the bacteria.
The old man in the family couldn't listen to it anymore, saying that the children were spoiled for you, and whoever coaxed them to eat like this. Children are exaggerated and easily proud.
The old man was right, but he was only half right. The child is exaggerated too much, it is indeed easy to be proud, and it is not conducive to the formation of his character. But what my father and I did was not praise, but encouragement.
What is the difference between praise and encouragement?
One: The difference between praise and encouragement
For example, when a child finishes eating, the parent immediately says, Baby, you are awesome. Children draw, parents say, you draw really beautifully. What the child does, the parents have to take a "rainbow fart", you are really too good, too powerful, simply genius.
That's a compliment.
Because parents emphasize the outcome. The result of the child's meal is great, the result of painting is good,and the result of doing things is excellent and powerful.
But if, let's put it another way. The child finished eating, and we said, I see that you have eaten all the rice in the bowl, and you have eaten a small half bowl of vegetables. The child draws, and we say, wow, there's a little fish swimming in the sea, there's a coconut tree on the shore, and there's a seagull flying in the sky.
This is encouragement.
Because we guide the child to see the behavioral process. The process of his eating, and the process of his painting. This process requires effort to achieve or overcome certain difficulties.
Praising children and encouraging children may seem to be only slight differences, but the impact on children is profound.
Two: The two have different effects
The famous psychologist Carol and his team have spent a decade tracking research to explore the impact of praise and encouragement on children.
They randomly divided the children into two groups and then used two different methods, one group using praise and the other using encouragement.
Years later, they found that the children who were praised did not dare to accept new challenges, and they were frustrated and could not accept criticism. And the encouraged children are very confident, dare to accept challenges, dare to constantly break through themselves.
Why is that?
It turns out that the child who is praised as "smart", although for a short time, can motivate him to do something. But the more they are exaggerated, they really think that they are very smart.
Smart, on the other hand, is a gift that doesn't require effort. Therefore, they are not willing to make hard efforts. On the contrary, they are not willing to take on new challenges, because if they fail, don't others think that they are not smart?
This kind of blow is unacceptable to "smart" children, so they generally rely on "days" to eat without much effort.
At that time, "Hurt Zhongyong" was probably such a situation, when he was smart as a child, he grew up to be mediocre.
But the encouraged child, he sees, is the process of his own efforts. He also understood that all the successes and achievements were not rewarded to him by God, but were obtained by his own hard work step by step.
Such children, they will be very confident, believe in their own ability, and bravely move forward, and continue to make progress.
Three: How to encourage?
Distinguishing between praise and encouragement, how can we use it concretely in our lives?
Psychologist Rudolph put forward 3 kinds of encouraging words, parents in life, you can talk to your children more, talk every day, so that children become more and more confident.
The first: descriptive encouragement
Since praise is about the result, and encouragement is about seeing the process, when we encourage the child, we are describing what the child has done, so that the child will be affirmed.
For example, when the child takes back the toy box, we stop praising the child for being "awesome" and "awesome". I should describe the process you saw, I saw that you put all the blocks in the box; the rag dolls were all lying neatly on the sofa; the toy cars and robots were all back in the box to sleep; there was not a single toy on the floor, so clean.
The child will be very proud at this time, he will feel, these are all made by me, I cleaned up the toys so clean, I kept the ground clean, I am really too powerful!
The child will self-affirm internally, he feels that his efforts are recognized, he will increase his sense of self-worth, and he is willing to continue to do so next time.
The second type: gratitude type of encouragement
A bao mom friend told me that once she went out shopping with her son, and when she came back, she had a big bag and a small bag, and her son took the initiative to help her carry the heaviest bag. She sighed and said, it is so good to have a son, I can help my mother take the heaviest things.
She didn't care when she said this, but then she found out that every time she went out, her son would ask her, Mom, which thing is the heaviest, I will help you mention.
In fact, the unintentional words of friends are "thank you for the encouragement", thank you for paying for me and making my situation better.
In life, I often say such things to Bu Ni, thank you for helping me carry water so that my mother is not thirsty; the building blocks say, thank you for letting me go home so that I will not lie on the ground and feel cold; teeth say, thank you for brushing your teeth, so that I will not be bitten by moths.
Thanks to the child, even if it is a trivial thing, let the child's contribution be seen, but also let the child see his own value. His actions are recognized, encouraged, and he is proud of himself, so that he becomes more and more confident and his personality is getting better and better.
The third type: trust type encouragement
Believe in the child, not the child obviously can't do it, all cry to the trembling, we are still on the side of the side of the vigorous said, mother believes you can do, come on!
This can put pressure on your child to worry that he won't be able to do it and disappoint you.
There is a word in psychology called the "principle of slight pre-sexuality". It refers to encouraging the child to try things that are slightly ahead of his abilities.
Just like a child picking an apple, he tiptoes up, he may not be able to pick the apple, but as long as he jumps up, he can pick it. What we have to do is to encourage children to "jump".
For example, my nephew's words are written as "Dragon Flying Phoenix Dance" and "Chicken Flying Dog Dance". He also showed it to me and asked expectantly, Aunt, is my writing good?
I can't say "good" blindly in my conscience, can I? But a meal of criticism will only extinguish the enthusiasm of children. So I opened my eyes, exerted the spirit of scientific research, and finally found a word that was still passable, well, I think this word is very well written, and it is written neatly horizontally and vertically.
Later, the nephew showed me his words again, and he would pick them out for me to see, aunt, you see, I have written these words well, this horizontal is very flat, this vertical is very straight, this apostrophe is also very powerful, right?
I found that, without me saying, he already knew a good word, how to write it, and what details to pay attention to.
I pulled out the word he wrote well in his homework alone, which was actually my nephew's "apple." Although he can't write everything well, as long as he jumps, he can take off this "apple" and slowly let things that are slightly ahead of his ability become the ability he can achieve.
We should see the child's "apple" and point it out and encourage him to jump and pick it and become his own fruit.
Encouraging children and praising children may seem to be indistinguishable, but they will have different effects on children. In our daily lives, we can say more than the above 3 kinds of encouraging words to make children more excellent and confident!
【Picture from the Internet, invasion and deletion】
About the author: Cuckoo mom, a good observation, thinking, method of the mother. Exchange parenting experience, share psychological knowledge, like to pay attention to it~