I saw a video a few days ago, and I couldn't calm down for a long time after watching it, it was a mother who recorded how her daughter treated her when she didn't sleep.
It was a 2-year-old girl who refused to sleep in the middle of the night and wanted to go out to play.
Mom first asked her if she didn't sleep and wanted to go out to play?
When the little girl answered in the affirmative, her mother asked her, "Do you want to come back today?" Is it okay to play until dawn? Can you do it? ”
The two-year-old only hears the play and nods without hesitation and says "yes"
Then Mom looked at the time, and at 2:30 in the morning, firmly led her out.
The little girl excitedly took her mother's hand and went out. Mom asked her, are there any children outside? What is everyone doing?
The 2-year-old girl obediently replied: "Sleep".
Mom asked with as calm a taste as possible: "Why don't you sleep?" ”
When the little girl replied affirmatively, "Don't sleep,"
Mom took a deep breath and still remained calm and said, "Then let's not sleep today, can you do it?" Can you tell mom? ”
When she got the little girl's affirmative answer again, her mother told her that she would do it
Then the little girl happily played on the empty street.
While the little girl was playing excitedly, her mother grabbed her and repeatedly asked her if she wanted to sleep.
The little girl replied categorically that she would not sleep.
Mom continued to say calmly: "Yes, keep playing!" ”
The little girl played happily until 3:40, and her mother said, "You remember how happy you are now, and when you cry, you think about when you are happy now, okay?" ”
By 3:50, the child wants to sleep
The mother seemed to have been waiting for this moment, and she refused without hesitation: "Baby, no!" Because we made an agreement when we went out, we can't go home until dawn, we can't sleep! ”
When the child was tired, the mother asked her to sit on the side of the road for a while, and when the child stood up again, she naturally became sleepier and told her mother again to sleep.
Mom once again emphasized that she had made an agreement before going out that she could not go home before dawn, and she had to play outside until dawn
In the following time, the child began to find various reasons, first saying that his hands were cold
Mom told her that her hands were cold and she wouldn't be cold if she ran faster
The child obviously couldn't walk, came over and hugged his mother, who asked what it meant
The girl hesitated for a long time and said to her mother: "Your hands are cold." ”
Mom began to ask the girl in a series of questions: "Is it warm at home?" Is it still on the air conditioner, but you don't want to be at home, don't want to sleep at home, you have to come out! ”
In the following time, the girl tentatively expressed to her mother her desire to go home and sleep. Mom also asked her from time to time: "Do you want to sleep now?" ”
As long as the girl replied affirmatively: "Yes!" My mother refused without hesitation, repeatedly emphasizing the agreement to "not play until dawn and not come home".
By 5:51 a.m., the little girl couldn't stop her emotions, crying and yelling and losing her temper, but her mother was still unmoved, and even laughed out loud looking at the child's angry and corrupted appearance, laughing while starting to educate the child.
I can understand the hard work of this mother, she may already be very tired, very sleepy, spent a lot of effort to coax the child, but the child just does not sleep, has to come out to play. When she really doesn't know what to do, letting the child play enough and play until the child can't stand it is the solution she can think of.
In the mother's view, the unreasonable demand for the child: "I neither hit nor scold, nor have I lost my temper, I have enough patience and patience to treat it in a gentle and firm way." ”
This way of "defeating magic with magic" really works quickly, and the effect can be seen as quickly as possible. As you can imagine, this 2-year-old girl will definitely not shout for a midnight to play.
Because this method is easy to use, we can also see that parents often treat their children in a similar way:
Note that these parents treat their children without hitting or scolding, but just patiently persisting
Just like the mother of the little girl in front, she patiently walked outside with her child in the middle of the night for 3 or 4 hours, and many people praised this mother, thinking that she was patient, understood education, and the way she guided her children was very good.
However, if you feel it from the perspective of a child, will you also feel that this way is quite uncomfortable? Obviously this mother is very patient, but it always makes people feel uncomfortable?
This is a 2-year-old child who does not understand what responsibility is, what is "a promise", and may not even understand what "dawn" means
She only knew that she wanted to go out and play, and her mother agreed, and she had a lot of fun at first, but she was tired and sleepy, and her mother wouldn't let her go home. Mom repeatedly said that she would not be home until dawn, because she agreed.
Mom kept saying that she agreed to play until dawn, and even if she lost her temper and cried, Mom didn't agree to take her home and let her continue playing
Why is the mother so "patient", but it makes the child more uncomfortable?
This is because behind the mother's patience is anger, anger and madness at the child's disobedience and refusal to sleep! Such "patience" is not patience, but a way of releasing aggression invisibly: you cannot openly attack the child, you can only secretly release hatred and hostility.
This is a kind of "hypocrisy", and the harm to children is even greater and deeper than the tantrums, yelling, scolding, etc. that we are familiar with.
Moms go crazy when they hear their children asking to go out and play. At this time, she was exhausted, and in order to punish the child's "inconsiderateness", she had to put forward additional conditions: if you want to go out to play, you must play until dawn!
As an adult, she certainly knew that children would break down. But she also has a bloody voice in her heart, if I am not ruthless this time, in the future, the child will go out to play in the middle of the night every day, then I must not be crazy? So when she made this request, she had her own great forbearance and sacrifice in it, and she felt that this was for the good of the child and the whole family: not only can she correct the rotten problem of the child without yelling, shouting or coding, but also ensure the future sleep of the whole family, and the child will be more sensible in the future and sleep obediently, which is really a lot
That is to say, behind the mother's "gentle" satisfaction of the child is the hatred of the child gritting her teeth. She repeatedly asked the child "Do you want to sleep", in fact, waiting for the child to beg for mercy.
When the child says that she is sleepy and wants to sleep, the mother is very happy, she will feel that "finally waiting for this moment". At this time, it is time for her to begin to release aggression and punish and retaliate against her child. The sleepier the child, the happier the mother, and when the child cries and loses his temper at the end, the mother laughs for this reason. She finally managed to punish the child in a "patient" way
What kind of harm will this method bring to children?
First of all, there is a huge conflict within the child. Children are very sensitive, the younger the child is more closely connected with the mother's subconscious, the child can feel that the mother is calm on the surface, but in fact very angry.
She feels that something is wrong, but she can't tell what is wrong, but before the contradiction really breaks out, she doesn't know what is wrong, so she will feel uneasy,
Second, the child will turn all aggression at himself.
Just like this mother showed her child: it was you who said you wanted to go out to play, it was you who refused to sleep, I satisfied you, you are uncomfortable and must also bear it!
The message that the child receives is: I am not good, I am disobedient, I do not sleep
If the parents spill their anger and scold the child, while the child is attacked by the parents, she will feel that the parents are also responsible, think that the parents are bad, and the child will be aggressive to the outside world
But for hypocritical parents, parents attack their children, and the attitude they show is "patient", and even others think that their parents are doing a good job. At this time, the child obviously feels the pain and anger of being humiliated and bullied, but she will not feel that it is the responsibility of her parents, unable to attack the mother who gently brings her out to play, she will accept the accusations of her parents and turn her aggression to herself, thinking that she is too bad to cause so many problems.
This kind of unreleased aggression is the most terrifying, when she encounters problems, she will aim the attack at herself, open up a battlefield of fighting in her heart, fall into internal friction, and over time, it will lead to serious psychological problems or physical and mental diseases.
Again, children slowly become afraid that their requirements will be met and that they will succeed.
Because, after her demands have been met, after a happy indulgence, what awaits her is not joy, but a great punishment. If you put yourself in your shoes, you will understand that if there is a huge punishment waiting for you behind every time you are satisfied, do you still have the courage to succeed?
Writing here, there may be mothers who will ask, the child does not sleep in the middle of the night, it is indeed vexatious to go out to play, can not be scolded, and can not pretend to be "patient", so what to do? Do you want to let your children do something?
Of course not!
On the basis of understanding the child, parents can firmly refuse the child's unreasonable demands "without hostility".
In the case of this 2-year-old, there are many reasons why she doesn't sleep at night. It may be that the afternoon nap is too long, and the sleep is reversed.
It may also be that there is a fear of sleeping, children around 2 years old will have this stage, obviously very sleepy, eyes can not open, inexplicably, and suddenly excited, how not to sleep, and even to get up to play. Or some children only sleep for an hour or so and wake up to get up to play.
This condition does not occur because the child deliberately tosses, but because the child at this stage has "sleep fear". They are afraid that once they fall asleep, they will never see their parents again, and they are afraid that they will never wake up once they fall asleep, so they will be afraid to sleep, and they will try to keep their spirits up and stay connected to the world
If parents can understand their children, tell them to sleep peacefully, and let their children know that when they wake up, they can still see their parents, the child's fear will slowly disappear and gradually return to regular sleep.
Sometimes, parents may try to calm the child, the child still has to play, at this time, parents can turn on the bedside lamp, tell the child, parents are sleepy, going to sleep, can not play with him, he can play in bed by himself for a while.
Parents should allow themselves to reject their children so that children can feel the real parents and know the emotions of their parents, which helps the child to establish boundaries
In this process, the child will also know: parents also have to sleep, it turns out that after he falls asleep, his parents also fall asleep, and his fear of sleep will gradually disappear.
If in the process of processing, parents also feel uncomfortable and feel uncomfortable, they should look inward to see what the cause of their discomfort is, find out the root cause of this problem, and then reconcile with this problem
Many times, the child is like a mirror, can find the wounded self we once had, calm this injured part, we can integrate our own inside, when the wound heals, we can also treat the child with more strength.
There are no perfect parents in this world, but we can grow up better and do our best to reduce the harm that may be caused to our children.
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