Children won't tell you how horrible your self-righteousness is

Wen 丨 Fish Daddy Image from Meisu Gallery

1

Recently, I discovered that there is a new mode of conversation in the home.

"You always lose your temper like this, you have to learn to manage your temper." We told our son seriously.

"You also have to manage your temper."

"Don't always think about watching more TV, pay attention to protect your eyes."

"You also don't always stare at your phone, protect your eyes."

"Go to bed early, go to bed early and get up early."

"You also have to go to bed early."

When encountering such a conversation, one can only "be good, I will too".

And then defeated.

When my friend heard this, he said, "This is all the problem you usually say respect for him and give it to you." In our family, I went down a word, he didn't listen to the fight directly, and he obeyed every time. ”

When my friend said this, he looked very satisfied.

In my family, such conversations require time and patience.

Because after this battle, what should be managed is managed, and what should be taught can be taught.

More importantly, you still have to change what you should change.

Because if you think about it, the child's answer is not unreasonable.

We always ask our children how to do it, but we don't have any requirements for ourselves, which is a bit confusing.

Because you have told your children that all people are equal.

Then it is necessary to treat them equally, and of course the requirements must be treated equally.

You usually respect and encourage your child to express his opinions and opinions, and then his child will speak his or her own ideas.

You usually understand the child's behavior, treat the child with a positive and positive attitude, and cultivate the child's "high self-esteem", then you are destined to be careful.

Of course, if a family does not nurture this culture of democracy and equality, children do not have this opportunity for expression, and self-esteem is neglected.

That child must be willing to obey and be your "little pet", and there will be no complaints to show.

And you will also think that this is love. 

2

Why many children are very well-behaved when they are young, but slowly change later.

I started to disobey and started working against you.

This is not puberty syndrome, which should be called "love deficiency syndrome".

Because the child never feels true love in his heart.

Why is this?

An egalitarian and democratic family atmosphere breeds respect and self-respect, which are prerequisites for the circulation of love.

It's like a water pipe, you block it, and the water can't flow at all.

And autocracy and neglect are what blocks the pipe.

But self-righteous parents often like these two things.

It's just that I didn't feel it at the time.

Wang Shuo said in "To My Daughter": "I don't remember loving my parents. When I was young, I was afraid of them, and when I was older, I began to annoy them, and then I pointed needles to Mai Mang, and I quarreled when I met; Later, they couldn't look at them and avoid them, on the one hand, they felt that they had a responsibility and should be kind to them, but they just couldn't do it or pretend; Later, when I thought about them, I felt sad. ”

For the parents who gave birth to and raised themselves, you will be entangled and confused.

Sometimes years later, I find out that I have misunderstood my parents.

But sometimes, you feel that the original pain is still so real.

You want to make amends, or you want to escape.

It's all pain, all because of their own hearts, and their parents didn't want to read it. 

3

In many cases, the child has not yet said, but the parents have already had the answer.

And make sure the child bears it before letting go.

It is necessary to force the child to admit his mistake.

I have a colleague who says that what I am most afraid of is the self-righteous appearance of my parents.

When she was a child, she once borrowed a novel from a classmate.

Good to see let her read under the covers with a flashlight in the middle of the night.

One night, she was so excited that she was still giggling under the covers.

I didn't expect that suddenly the quilt flew.

Looking back, my mother turned on the light and stood there.

Then glanced at her book.

She quickly closed it, but she didn't expect it to be worse to close.

Because the cover illustrator, a man and a woman snuggle hand in hand.

"What books do you read?"

"Nothing"

"Take it out, what book to read?" Mom was thrilled.

She put the book behind her back and stared at her mother.

I thought to myself, "Get out of here!" Don't ask. ”

"I know that your poor grades this year must have been affected by something, and I didn't expect to read some such cheap books."

She felt hot on her face when she heard that mean word, but she didn't know how to refute it.

She doesn't remember what happened later.

It's just that mean word that my mother said, so that she always remembers.

In fact, she wanted to tell her mother that it was just a very normal school novel, and there was no dirty plot as she imagined, but she knew that no one could change what her mother decided.

Even if you show her, she won't look at it, and even think that you are insulting her.

So she chose silence and silently accepted her mother's self-righteous accusations.

She said that now that she has a child, the most she can do is let the child talk.

Because she is afraid that she will hurt her children with a self-righteous attitude like her mother back then.

That kind of hurt, only those who have experienced it understand.

4

When children are young, they have their own ideas, and you have to approach them, understand them, and accept them.

Instead of hitting, blaming, and arranging everything self-righteously.

I once saw a story about an elementary school teacher taking a group of children to play in the water, and a little girl suddenly began to undress undressed, one by one.

In the eyes of others, this child's behavior is really not good, and it must be stopped quickly! Let her know shame!

But the teacher resisted and didn't stop it, just continued to wait.

Finally, the little girl drained the water from her clothes and played without distraction.

And none of the classmates on the side were the slightest abnormality, because they didn't pay attention to this female classmate.

But if the teacher shouted, or someone pointed at the child, how would the girl react?

The child's world is pure, and when facing the child, you must not be self-righteous.

In "Little Beanie by the Window", it is also mentioned to take a bath in the school swimming pool.

Doudou and the other first-graders ran to the auditorium to see the older children noisily undressing! And, after undressing, they ran naked as if they were taking a bath in a bathhouse, and ran to the campus one after another. Little Doudou and they also quickly took off their clothes. The hot wind blows, and the naked body feels comfortable.

The principal's purpose is to let the children know: "Any kind of body is beautiful." ”

Because there are several children like Taimyo who suffer from polio and have abnormally short physical defects like Taimyo, the principal also has the idea that letting them strip naked and play with everyone will itself remove the shyness of those children, which may also help them not develop an inferiority complex. And it turned out to be the right approach.

However, in the eyes of parents, this may not work.

You know, many of our parents, their daughters wear a shorter skirt in the summer, they feel bad. If there is such a school, maybe it will have to sue the principal.

There are also many parents, after having children, who feel that they can start preaching their life creed.

You can start to let your unfulfilled dreams come true in your child.

So he talked to the child about how to be a person, and there were big coffees such as Jack Ma and Ren Zhengfei hanging on his lips every day...

Hope to use the stories of these people to inspire your children to achieve what you have always dreamed of.

But when you say it, you forget the fact that children will be the children of the future, and they belong to the future.

A past that does not belong to you, let alone you.

What you have experienced in the last 30 years, children have not experienced. But what kind of era children will experience in the next 30 years, that is beyond imagination.

When you talk about it and use your backward experience to plan the future for your child, you find it interesting, but what will the child think?

You want to ask him to serve an iron rice bowl, maybe he prefers entrepreneurship in his bones.

You think of him going to start a business, and he may prefer a stable life.

As a parent, don't be too presumptuous.

Because of the way you look self-righteous, it's really scary.