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La Traviata: "Whether life is cute or not depends on what glasses you wear to see it." ”
Whether life is cute or not depends on how you look at life. The so-called "phase is born from the heart" not only means that the state of mind can affect appearance, it also affects life.
If your inner flowers bloom in the wilderness, your life will be colorful; on the contrary, if your heart is miserable and lonely, your life will be miserable.
It may be a bit general to say that mentality determines destiny, but it is true to say that mentality determines the color of life. The color of life determined by mentality is not only a static color, because the mentality is good, and it can calmly cope with various problems in life.
Take marriage, whether your mentality is not good, or you become bad because of trivial things in life, your married life will be overshadowed, and the more you are afraid, the more problems there will be.
The problem that the following reader encounters in marriage is fundamentally a problem with the mentality, let's take a look at what is going on.
Hello Mr. Donglin:
I really want to find someone to talk about my inner troubles, although I always hear people say that men should not be weak, but this statement is no longer enough to support my life, I am about to collapse.
After getting married, I found that marriage is really complicated, and many problems have ensued, making people unable to cope.
My wife married me, did not ask our family for money, did not let our family buy a house and a car, all the expenses are the responsibility of her mother's family. This made me feel very uncomfortable in my heart, and it felt that it was detrimental to the dignity of men.
But I couldn't do anything about it, because my mother and I were in the family, and she didn't have much money, and I didn't make much money, even if I wanted to take on all the expenses with a big hand, I didn't have the ability to do so.
But I can't bear to lose my wife who loves me deeply, she doesn't think I'm incompetent, she doesn't think I have no money, she has paid so much for me, although it makes me feel faceless, but in the end love has the upper hand.
I decided to work hard to earn money after getting married, and I must repay her for her efforts. I believe that my mother will be as grateful as I am, and will not let the family pay so much in vain.
However, life did not go in the direction I planned, and after the birth of our children, our lives were chaotic.
My daughter-in-law and I wanted my mother to help with the baby and take her to the house to live with us, but she was not happy, saying that she still had to go to work and did not have time to help us watch the children.
There was no way but to trouble my mother-in-law to help, which made me even more unable to lift my head. Especially when my parents-in-law saw that our lives were tight, they often bought rice and noodles for money, which made me feel self-conscious, because these should have been my responsibilities.
Later, when the child was a little older, my mother said to help us see the child, and I thought that she had finally found out in her conscience, but who knew that it was the beginning of the nightmare.
She just shouted slogans to help us with the children, and actually didn't intend to help, just wanted to eat and drink. After living here, she didn't help with anything but cooking, and she wasn't willing to spend a penny on herself.
Every time the ingredients and spices at home ran out, she would shout at my daughter-in-law: "There is no rice noodle oil at home, let your parents buy it and send it!" ”
How could she say such a thing with such a straight face? Isn't there a little bit of shame? Strictly speaking, this is my daughter-in-law's house, and my daughter-in-law was kind enough to let her live in the house, saving her a lot of expenses, and she didn't have any gratitude at all.
What was even more egregious was that one day she actually said that she would let us give her "food expenses", saying that she was not obliged to serve us like a nanny.
My daughter-in-law reasoned with her, and she began to ask for "baby fees": "I help you with your children, why don't you pay me a salary?" ”
My daughter-in-law was very angry and spoke unceremoniously: "My money does not feed idle people!" Externally, you can beautify yourself and say that you help me with my children, but there is no outsider in the family, and we all know that you have never managed your children after you have lived here, so why should I pay you a salary? You eat me, drink mine, live in me, I didn't ask you for money, it is already a benevolent and righteous end! ”
Don't tell you that the whole time I curled up like a fool in the corner of the sofa, I was in pain, I was helpless, the sound of the two of them arguing came into my ears one after another, causing me to have a burst of tinnitus and almost collapsed.
My conscience told me that although my mother had nurturing grace for me, it was wrong for her to quarrel with my daughter-in-law, because she was unreasonable, and our family owed my daughter-in-law too much.
Thinking of this, I begged my mother bitterly: "Please move away!" Don't argue with my daughter-in-law! ”
She began to turn the spearhead at me, saying that I was not filial, scolding me for being afraid of my wife, I retracted back into the corner of the sofa, I didn't dare to put one, and I didn't know what I was afraid of.
I don't want to have so many problems in marriage, and I want to point fingers like a man, but my life seems to be out of control, and I don't know where to start to solve the mess in front of me.
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
In my opinion, the man's mentality was affected in at least three ways.
The first is his original family view, because he is a single parent, and like many single-parent children, he is easily kidnapped by his parents' emotions. Every time parents say " I live for you , I work hard to make money for you , why are you so ignorant " , the child's self-esteem and self-confidence will be frustrated once. Even if you grow up, you should not switch roles to correct your parents' words and deeds.
Secondly, his own ability is limited, although he wants to raise his eyebrows, but he has not been able to do so, which will also make him less confident.
In addition, the love given to him by his wife makes him feel unbearable and feels ashamed, thus forming psychological pressure, and when he cannot return his wife with the same love, he will have a deep sense of inferiority.
Any one of these three factors is enough to make a person live a bottomless life, and if they are superimposed, it may completely destroy a person's self-confidence.
Having said that, the life in front of him is not a dream, and it is not an escape that can escape the pursuit of the monster in the dream. The more we drag on the problem and do not solve it, the more indecisive we are, and the more we are soft-hearted, the more and more serious the problem will be. Don't dare to pluck up the courage to break through the pressure, even if each pressure is as thin as a cicada's wing, superimposed more, it will become like a mountain of pressure.
I would say that he has only one way to go, and that is to summon up the courage to put aside all his concerns and solve the problem at hand first. The problem that lay in front of him was his mother's problem, and he should not beg her to move away, but should ask her to leave. Only by suppressing the introduction of "dynamic problems" will there be spare energy to solve "static problems", and I hope that he can think about these truths well.