In the era when we grew up, a family has several children, playing together, making trouble together, the expectations for children are more relaxed, go with the flow, everyone grows up happily, and now, each one has a lot of pressure, in the face of computers, television, short videos, game console temptations, all kinds of cram classes Go, English, piano, painting, singing, etc., the school can not finish homework, exams and other pressures.
Under the current double reduction policy, the reduction of examinations is reduced by homework, but the knowledge that needs to be mastered as a learning is unchanged, the middle and high school entrance examinations are still there, and the pressure is still there.
And the children are fewer, the expectations are big, do not want to lose at the starting line, parents and children are under great pressure, so parents get along with children, children get along with children, children get along with teachers may have problems, which has also become a problem that needs to be paid attention to. How to get along with children, if you raise children with high emotional intelligence, this has become a place where parents need to improve.
The emotional intelligence mentioned here is not to say nice words, but according to different definitions, for parents, emotional intelligence means to perceive the child's emotional fluctuations, with empathy (empathy), comfort, guide the child to calm the emotions of the ability. For children, their understanding of emotions is mostly learned from their parents, and emotional intelligence means the ability to restrain impulses, the ability to delay satisfaction, the ability to motivate themselves, the ability to read other people's social cues, and the ability to cope with life's highs and lows.
Therefore, the emotional intelligence here refers to the quality of people's emotions, emotions, will, tolerance of setbacks, etc., children are emotionally dominant, only when the mood is good, can they do other things well.
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Four different types of parents
Human sorrow and joy are not the same, each parent and child have different ways of getting along, in general, can be divided into the following four types of parents:
1) Neglectful parents
Parents do not pay so much attention to the child, especially for the negative emotions, regardless of disregard, disregard, ignore or despise the child's negative emotions, the child returns home from the outside, suffers some grievances, wants to share with the parents, then the parents may be "um, hey" to respond, and did not take the child seriously.
When one day found that the child came back and no longer shared, I felt strange, I responded every time, how not to tell me about the school situation, you did not pay attention, the child felt that there was no comfort, it was not a waste of time.
2) Repressive parents
Depressed parents feel that their children should be strong, not arrogant and discouraged, have achieved results, cannot be loudly, afraid of pride in the future, and if they make mistakes, especially if they have a critical attitude towards the child's negative emotions, they will often reprimand or punish the child because the child shows negative emotions. Children are afraid of their parents, they dare not share anything with their parents, once something big happens, parents will feel very shocked, "my child is so well-behaved, can not be like this" do not know that this is a cause and consequence.
3) Laissez-faire parents
There is a parent, he grew up enough of the treatment of his parents, when he grew up, he felt that he should treat his children well, to tolerate the children's emotions, and feel empathy with the children, but they had no experience, there was no way to get guidance from the parents, so they were indulgent to the children, could not provide the necessary guidance, and could not draw boundaries for the children's behavior.
Such parents are very good to their children, they are simply doting, but when the child has a problem, he can't hold back, either angry or directly give up.
4) Emotional management training parents
Children's emotions are not stable, they are very direct, happy is happy, unhappy is unhappy, emotional management parents are to share emotions with their children, understand emotional management parents.
Emotional management refers to being good at controlling oneself, being good at regulating emotions, reacting to contradictions and events in life, being able to respond in a positive way, and relieving tension in a timely manner, including emotional recognition, emotional regulation and emotional expression.
As a parent, you can help your child relieve emotions, so that parents can also establish trust in their children, and with trust, they can get his ideas from the child's mouth and guide them.
The child is immature, can not manage their emotions well, there are emotions is normal, which requires parents to counsel him, guide him, emotional management training, so that the child is more and more mature to face various situations.
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How do I train myself in emotional management?
To train in emotional management, you need to understand your child, that is, empathy, empathy is the ability to experience the inner world of others, which is the basis of emotional management training.
At home, if your parents expect you to be positive, happy, and calm from beginning to end, sadness or anger is seen as a sign of failure or a harbinger of a disaster. Whenever you are in a bad mood, your parents become extremely anxious. They'll tell you that they want you to be satisfied with the status quo, optimistic, and see more of the "positive side" of things; they want you to never complain, never say that the person or the thing is not. As a child, I feel that my parents are right about all this, and I believe that bad emotions are the signs of bad children. So, you do your best to live according to their expectations. There is no empathy.
In fact, in the process of growing up, people always encounter problems, but no one empathizes, can only shut up, and then digest themselves, they are lonely. It's not easy to deny yourself, you need to be distracted and forget in entertainment, computers, and television.
So, what do empathetic parents do? When we see a child crying, we imagine ourselves as the child and understand his pain. When we see children stomping their feet angrily, we can feel their chagrin and resentment.
When we try to understand the child's experience, he feels our support and knows that we are on his side. If we try not to criticize him, not to ignore his feelings, not to try to transfer him from our own emotions, he will allow us into his world, will tell us our feelings, and share opinions with us. His motives will no longer seem so mysterious, which in turn leads to a greater understanding of each other. The child begins to trust us. When there is conflict in life, children and we are on the same page and solve difficult problems together. Children will even try to brainstorm with us and find answers to solve problems together
With the foundation of empathy, there can be the trust of parents and children, so that emotional training can be carried out, and emotional training is divided into five steps in total.
Step 1: Be aware of your child's emotions
Perceiving emotions means that when you feel an emotion, you can discover and recognize that emotion and have a keen sense of the emotions of others. In ordinary life, bumps and bumps, there are some unsatisfactory, at this time the child's emotions may come up, and may even be out of control.
In ordinary family life, there are also emotions such as anger, disgust and jealousy, which is normal, but some parents feel bad, cover up their emotions everywhere, their children's ability to deal with negative emotions is often very poor, it is better to learn to let their emotions vent through non-violent channels.
Parents who are worried about emotional loss of control need to always remember that forgiveness heals all trauma. A mother who allows herself to be angry is likely to allow her son to have the same emotions; a father who approves of his grief is more likely to sit down and listen to his child's sadness.
Being aware of your child's emotions does not mean that parents with keen emotional perceptions understand their children's feelings more easily than other parents. Because the way children express their emotions is always vague, it is easy to confuse adults. But as long as we can open our hearts and listen carefully, we can always decipher the messages that children inadvertently hide in communication, play, or daily behavior.
Like adults, there is a reason behind a child's emotions, although they usually can't express it accurately. When we find that a child is throwing a tantrum over something trivial, he may be reminding us of the problems in life
The child's nervousness can manifest itself in other ways, such as overeating, loss of appetite, nightmares, or complaining of a headache or stomach ache, and the child who has learned to use the potty suddenly begins to wet the bed again.
Step 2: Seize the opportunity
For many parents, if they can use their children's negative emotional attacks as opportunities, this will be a great relief for them and bring them unexpected gains. When the child is angry, we do not need to see this as a challenge to the authority of the parents; when the child is afraid, we do not have to worry about whether we are incompetent as a parent; when the child is sad, we do not have to think of this as a thorny problem that must be dealt with as soon as possible.
When a child is sad, angry or scared, and when he needs his parents the most, many parents try to avoid facing the child's negative emotions, thinking that it will disappear naturally, but in fact, this is not the case at all. On the contrary, when the child speaks his feelings, labels his emotions, and feels that he is understood, the negative emotions will gradually dissolve. Therefore, when there is a slight negative emotion, we should actively respond to it and avoid escalating it into a family crisis.
When Chao Chao faces a child younger than him, his intuition makes us feel that we should let the child go, so he feels wronged, feels angry, will have a bad temper, and cannot get along well. Knowing that he said it, we showed understanding of his actions, and he reconciled himself.
Step 3: Listen and recognize
Empathize and listen. What we're talking about here doesn't sound like collecting information with your ears in the simple sense. Empathetic listeners know how to observe children's behavior with their eyes and capture the signals sent by their emotions; know how to feel the situation they are in from the child's position through their imagination; know how to respond to everything they hear with comforting words and without any criticism; know how to help children label their emotions; and most importantly, they use their own hearts to feel everything that children experience.
How to see the child's emotions, pay attention to the child's expression, consciousness, body language, frowning brows, stiff chin, uneasy feet, when the child expresses his feelings, parents can respond to the child through the "mapping method", that is, repeat the words heard, say the phenomenon they observe. This approach lets the child know that you are listening carefully and that you recognize his emotions
Pay attention to the emotions first, let the child feel that the parents are with him, so as to open the child's heart. It's important to note that simply sharing what you see and hear when listening to your child express emotions is often more beneficial to the conversation than asking tentative questions. For example, if you ask your child, "Why are you feeling sad?" "He probably didn't have any idea at all. As a child, he has not experienced enough gains and losses to help him introspect and reflect. You look a little tired, you're a little unhappy.
Also avoid asking questions that you already know the answer to, such as "What time did you come back last night?" or "Who broke the lights?" that are said in a distrustful tone and sound like a trap, as if parents are waiting for their children to lie.
Step 4: Help your child express emotions
Help your child label emotions as they feel them. Moms use a lot of labels to help their daughter define the situation she's going through, such as "nervous," "worried," "sad," "angry," and "scared." These words help children turn ambiguous, frightening, uncomfortable feelings into bounded, definable things, and gradually realize that their existence is a normal part of life.
Studies have shown that the act of labeling emotions has a soothing effect on the nervous system and can help children calm down unpleasant situations more quickly. It is important for parents to keep in mind that emotions sometimes come in compound forms, which is more difficult for children to interpret. Before a child goes camping, he or she is both proud of his independence and worried that he may be homesick.
Step 5: Draw boundaries and solve problems
1) Delineation of boundaries
A child feels depressed and expresses this negative emotion with bad behaviors, such as hitting his partner, breaking a toy, or even cursing. Parents should identify with the emotions behind this behavior and help their children label it, and on the basis of doing so, parents should let their children understand that some behaviors are improper and unacceptable. Next, parents should guide their children to come up with other, more appropriate ways to deal with these negative emotions.
Let the child understand that there is no problem with their emotions, and that what is wrong is their wrong behavior. It is important for parents to understand this. All feelings, all desires are acceptable, but not all behaviors are tolerable. Therefore, the task of parents is to draw boundaries for their children's behavior, not their will.
Ginnot advises parents to divide their children's behavior into three major zones – green, yellow and red – and to set rules for behavior in several areas.
The green zone contains the behaviors we want and recognize
In the yellow zone, the child's behavior is not approved of by us, but if it falls for any of the following reasons, we will choose to tolerate. First, leeway for learners. For example, in church services, a 4-year-old can't be quiet the whole time, but you can expect him to improve in the future. Second, leeway for hard times. A 5-year-old loses his temper because of a cold; a teenage child shows disrespect to his mother when his parents get divorced.
The behavior in the red zone is behavior that parents will not tolerate under any circumstances. This includes behaviors that harm the child himself or herself or pose a hazard to other children; it also includes those that are illegal or immoral, unethical, and not accepted by society.
2) Confirm the target;
It would be helpful to ask more open-ended questions, such as "What do you feel makes you sad (angry/anxious)?" "What happened today?" Wait a minute. You can tentatively intervene in some of your own thoughts to guide your child to find out the cause of this feeling.
Identifying what kind of goals to aim around a certain question requires listening to your child's ideas. Seek comfort in retaliation or avoid future disputes or accept reality.
3) Think of workable solutions
Don't rush to snatch the initiative out of your child's hands. If you really want your child to enjoy the fruits of the process, you should encourage him to come up with his own ideas through thinking.
To encourage creativity, tell your child from the outset that there is no way to be stupid, and that you will only start choosing which method is more effective until all the options are on the table. You can take note of any solution you have in mind, and by doing so, you're telling him that you take the process seriously.
In your search for solutions, there is a technique that is very good for your child's progress, which is to connect past experiences and good methods to the situation you are currently facing. You can bring up a past success story and then encourage him to find a similar solution based on this experience.
4) Evaluate whether the solution is feasible based on your family concept
Encourage your child to consider each option individually, and you can ask, "Does this make sense?" "Will this plan succeed?" "Is it safe to do this?" "How will others feel?" Through discussions with their children, parents also have the opportunity to emphasize family values and values to their children again. We felt that instead of hiding at home, we should face the problem
5) Assist your child in choosing a plan
Children also need to learn and grow in mistakes. If your child prefers to choose a plan that won't work but isn't harmful, give it a try. If that fails, encourage him to move on to the next option.
It is entirely possible to share with children the experience of dealing with similar situations in childhood. What did you learn from your own experience? What kind of mistakes have you made? What decisions have you made that you are proud of? It's more effective for having your child experience the values you've taught him in a situation than to list a bunch of abstract theories that are far from life.
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Let go of anxiety and get along with your child
1) Ignore your "parenting tasks"
There is a saying called "don't let the child lose at the starting line", if you believe this sentence, you are output anxiety, based on the fear of losing, thinking that your child can not be worse than other children, then how can it be considered that it is not worse than other people's children? So there is the goal.
For example, how many years to learn the piano, how many years to run long distances, how many years to learn pinyin, etc., such as the current primary school students need to learn to jump rope, but some children always learn badly, some parents feel that they must learn in two days, a week, and to jump well, just start to teach well, and then start scolding, and then force children to jump, and finally there is no way to apply for the study class, but reported 10 classes of classes, 3 lessons to learn, and then think about tuition refund, anxiety. As long as you have patience, let the child stick to it, don't worry, you will definitely learn.
When a specific problem arises in a child's life, parents believe that the child must achieve a specific goal, because this goal is related to the child's future growth. When you have a task in your head, if you can't complete it, you will be anxious, and your voice will naturally become louder.
Every child has their own good at, there are also their own not good at, in the good place, do not interfere too much, just need to step on the brakes when walking crooked. And where you are not good at it, you need to have more patience, not that others will, your child must be able to, and need to spend more time with growing up together.
2) Discover your child's strengths
The higher the expectations for the child, the more harsh it is for the child, if it is too harsh for the child, it is easy to see the advantages of the child and feel that the child is useless.
As a post-80s, I grew up in the scolding of my parents, did what I should have, and scolded if I didn't do well, which led to turning a blind eye to the advantages of my children. For a while, the relationship with the child was very stiff, and I didn't deal with it.
Once, when I was talking about this topic at dinner with a friend, my friend asked me: "You have said so many questions about children, what are the advantages of your children, say five?" "I was stunned at once, never thought about the advantages of the child, did not think that the child had any advantages, only saw the shortcomings, like a little ink on a blank piece of paper, only saw the ink, and did not see the white paper.
So I began to think about the advantages of the child, and found that there were actually many advantages: "He paints well, has his own ideas for color matching, and is a good one." Playing the game is quick to start and play well. For a thing, as long as you are interested, you can immerse yourself in research. Usually teaching him to do things and work together is also quite active. Thinking like this, the child is not so negative, and the eyes of the child are not heavy.
When you see the child's strengths, reward him, and praise him, he will invest more in it and do better, so a positive cycle is formed, and the child can get it done.
3) Eagle frame education
What is hard-frame education? Scaffolding Instruction or Instructional Scaffolding refers to the teaching method in which students learn a new concept or technique by providing sufficient resources to mention the student's learning ability.
Play a new game with your child and guide your child through compliments. Tell your child the basic information needed for play in a calm, calm tone, then compliment it on its specific performance, and then give further hints, so that you can gradually master more game skills.
The best task to learn is to be a little stronger than what has been learned, so that you can learn new knowledge, but also not because it is too difficult to retreat, if there is difficulty, you need parents to guide, step by step prompts, so that you can learn smoothly.
Of course, this requires patience, which requires no anxiety, do not feel that other children have learned their children will not be anxious, have a long-term plan to combat this anxiety, and find the advantages of children, so that they can not be harsh on children, in order to adhere to eagle-like education.
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Situations that are not suitable for emotional management
Emotional management looks good, but not all situations apply, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach in this world
1) When you're in a hurry
The child's emotions come and go, but to smooth the emotions down, it is not possible to get it done in a moment and a half. At this time, if you still use emotional management, you will find that your mood is not good, you are talking about your own fire, and you need emotional management. Therefore, when you are in a hurry, you can directly and seriously tell the child, bring the child out of the emotions, and then explain the reason clearly when you have time.
2) When someone else is present
When there are other people on the scene, especially when other children are present, if you say too much to defend the child, it will make other children unhappy, and if others interject, the child will be distracted or feel insincere. It is best to find a comfortable place one-on-one, such as a child's room, and communicate slowly.
3) When you are too tired or too upset to give effective guidance
It is that individuals will be tired, will be in a bad mood, emotions know that they need to be patient, need to have enthusiasm to infect children, otherwise they are tired of talking with children, or they are angry, that is not worth the loss, and damage to trust is the most deadly.
4) When the child makes a serious mistake
Some things are red lines, can not be touched, these serious mistakes, is the need to tell the child clearly, can not be made in the future, these are not emotional problems, such as the Internet always burst out, children scold parents, this belongs to the red line, to say clearly this is the red line, politeness can be slowly taught, scolding that is not allowed.
5) When a child disguises emotions to manipulate you
The child is good at summarizing and discovering, if he finds that as long as he is not in a good mood, the parents do not blame, be reasonable, what he wants to do at this time, use his own emotions to achieve the goal, this situation must be stopped.
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Write to the end
In the process of dealing with children, the most important love, really for the sake of children, full of patience for children, step by step to let children learn, not in a hurry. When you encounter a problem, solve the emotional problem first, and then solve the problem, so that the emotional management allows the child to grow up healthily.
Bibliography: Raising Children with High Emotional Intelligence - John Gottman Joan Declair
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