Director Xu Zheng said that the origin of his filming of "囧Mom" is that he observed that many native families in China, parents are a kind of controlling love for their children - "I am here for your own good", "I love you because I love you"...
Parents have a lot of standards in mind, and they feel that their children should live like a certain way. This will bring a lot of contradictions, which are common problems in many Chinese families. And the family often becomes a kind of person who cannot be described and cannot communicate in the end, and both sides feel aggrieved, but they are helpless.
This reminds me of what Yang Jie, a parent-child counselor, wrote in the book "Accurate Response": Adults do not see children show positive behavior within their preset time periods, and anxiety begins to escalate. Driven by anxiety, adults try to immediately reverse the child's performance, which is often the beginning of conflict. Essentially, it's control over the child.
However, if we don't intervene, will we just watch the child grind and write homework? Let the child shout and lose his temper? Knowing that the child is making excuses to avoid what to do, using "he is still a child" to turn a blind eye?
The above questions can be found in the book "Accurate Response". Parent-child counselor Yang Jie analyzed in detail the three parent-child interaction scenarios that most trouble parents, are also the most common and most likely to cause conflicts - emotional management, parent-child communication, and accompanying homework, teaching parents to see the deep needs behind their children's seemingly "unreasonable trouble", changing parents' inherent way of thinking, responding to children with precision and love, and cultivating children's good habits of self-discipline. Let the child feel respected and understood love, not control in the name of love.
01 Emotional management: Turn tantrums into an effective communication, don't "improvise" tantrums
Many parents have the same experience: it's too hard to control emotions. Work pressure is so great, when you come home from work, you are exhausted, where is the mood to interact patiently with your children? Especially when children make mistakes, the depressed small volcano suddenly erupts.
I know it's wrong to do it, but how can I change it? The author suggests the following:
1, the first is self-restraint, and when the emotions calm down, we must deal with our emotions.
If we only refrain from processing, then we are actually just suppressing our emotions, and once a threshold is reached, the emotions will inevitably explode.
Author's suggestion: When we are particularly angry, we can ask ourselves: Can we still remember this matter after 3 years? Were you still angry at that time? If the answer is yes, then be sure to deal with the problem in the present moment. If the answer is no, if you can't remember it after 3 years, why be angry today? Usually less than 1% of the things that are still tangled up after 3 years. Thinking about this, the qi is often half gone.
If you still can't control your emotions, Teacher Yang Jie suggests that parents take the initiative to isolate themselves from their children for a few minutes, during which parents have an important task: to clarify their thinking. For example: How many ways to deal with it? What are the pros and cons of each? How might your child respond next? What should we do with it?
The author suggests documenting the process of thinking in a written way, because it is easy to think in a variety of ways, but it becomes clear and easy to choose when writing down. This method can not only be used for parenting, we can apply it in our work and life, dealing with all kinds of negative emotions, which is not a burden, but a way of caring for ourselves.
2. Teacher Yang Jie also proposed that parents should not "improvise" tantrums, but should determine a rational goal, and adhere to the principle of discussing things on the basis of facts, do not turn over old accounts, do not attack children, and minimize the harm of tantrums.
"I see..." "I feel..." "I hope...", these three expressions that begin with "I" avoid making the child feel blamed.
For example: "There is plenty of time in the morning, we agreed to finish homework before noon, and I also trust you, but I found that you have been watching TV and have not done your homework at all, and I am very angry and disappointed." I hope you finish your homework by 6 p.m. If you keep doing this, next week I'll consider stepping up oversight. ”
This statement seems to be an understatement, but in fact, in the process of educating children, "point to the end" is very important, the power of education needs to be slowly accumulated to reflect, insist on doing so, you will see the child's surprising changes.
Don't force the child to bow down and admit his mistake, sometimes the child has not said anything, but he has confessed his mistake in action. If the child is forced to be sincere, it will accumulate resentment and seriously affect the effectiveness of parent-child interaction.
Parents manage their emotions well, seemingly for the sake of their children, but in fact, in the end, it is the parents themselves who are perfected.
02 Capture the subtle points of progress of the child, although they are always hidden in the gaps of the child's shortcomings
The famous French sculptor Rodin said: There is no lack of beauty in life, but a lack of eyes to find beauty. In fact, we educate our children the same way.
For example, children are often late for school, and today they are finally much better than usual, but they are still 5 minutes late. The child himself said "I'm 5 minutes late today!" ”
How should parents respond at this time? Maybe we'll blurt out, "What's there to be proud of?" 5 minutes is also late! ”
But if we look at it from another angle: "Boy, you're right, today you're 10 minutes faster than yesterday, and tomorrow if you're 5 minutes faster than today, we won't be late." When the uncle of the security guard at the school gate sees you again, he will definitely say: Yo ~ it is early enough! ”
Obviously, if we use vivid language to "look forward" to what might happen the next morning for the child, the child will imagine the emotions and feelings at that time, so this virtual scene will have a real motivational effect on the child.
Children's changes often do not come from the mountains and the sea, but will be like a grass that breaks the ground, quietly emerging from the ground, and small progress is always hidden in the gaps of shortcomings, which is particularly imperceptible and very easy to miss.
Children's progress is always on display, and the key is that we must have a pair of eyes that are good at catching. If we can always find these small changes, we will not be disappointed in our children, but will celebrate progress with our children.
Growing up is a hard journey over the mountains. We need to learn to understand children's plight and provide effective support, and they need coaches, not judges. How to improve is more valuable than holding accountable.
The difference between the two is that one faces the past and forces the child to go back to the past; One is to face the future and guide children to look forward to the future.
03 When children are rubbing their homework, what are we really angry about?
The following scene, I believe many parents are very familiar: after the child goes home, he says a lot of homework in his mouth, but he grinds and rubs for 40-50 minutes before he starts writing homework, stumbling all the way to writing late, and he can't finish writing. And every link in this process makes the flame in the parents' hearts more and more high, from urging to scolding, and finally evolving into reprimands, and even anger.
So, how did this storm caused by operations happen? Teacher Yang Jie made a profound analysis:
From the perspective of our parents: since there is a lot of homework, we should write quickly and rest early after writing. Watching children waste time, although on the surface we are not interfering, in fact our dissatisfaction is already accumulating and brewing.
Writing homework was originally a problem of the child himself, and as a result, at the psychological level, we partially assumed the responsibility of the child's homework. Our emotions are also tied together through homework, connected to the child's emotions, and we even unconsciously want to process our emotions through the child.
The next thing is that we can't help but grumble and urge, and the child can't stand our rebuke, starts to fight the tantrum, and finally breaks up.
And the source of all this is that the child is not doing what we planned, which makes us feel frustrated. On the surface, we are angry because the child does not take the initiative to write homework, but the deep reason is that the child does not meet our wishes. In other words: the source of the storm lies with us parents.
We may feel wronged: "I let the child write early and rest early, isn't it good for him?" And teacher Yang Jie pointed out sharply in the book: "If it is only for the good of the child, the child does not listen." Why are parents so angry? Because there is a hidden consideration for parents for themselves - the child goes to bed early, and we can finally be liberated as soon as possible.
From the point of view of the matter of writing homework itself: do you do homework a little late, will the consequences be serious? Can we allow children not to do what we think? And what do we do for our children? Is it to guide the child to become more and more independent, or is it because we lack confidence in the child in our hearts, and unconsciously become more and more entangled with the child?
In fact, as long as the child's homework can be completed, it does not need to follow the state and rhythm we expect. We just need to believe from the bottom of our hearts that homework is a child's business, that he can arrange it, that it is not directly related to us, and that homework is not our responsibility, but is within the scope of our supervision.
If your child finishes his homework too late, a reminder is enough afterwards. If you have enough patience, you don't even have to say it deliberately, in a few days, maybe the child himself will realize the problem and quietly correct it. What we need to remind ourselves at all times is that the results of education are slow and never happen overnight.
04 Write at the end
Teacher Yang Jie, a parent-child counselor, said: The way the mother responds determines the way the child looks at himself. In the parent-child relationship, the child gradually forms an understanding of himself according to the mother's response. Parents need to gain insight into their child's feelings and the psychological needs behind them, rather than responding solely to their child's behavior.
This must not be done by relying on our own life experience alone. This requires us to continue to learn in order to achieve real and effective communication and teach children self-discipline at the same time. So that children can slowly form self-affirmation and self-identification, and start the life journey of children's self-education.