The "Growth Gas Station" program invited Wen Yiqi, a member of the Changzhou Minor Guidance Center Gao Tingye Four-dimensional Mental Health Growth Guidance Station, to enter the live broadcast room and chat with parents about how to use active suspension to solve parent-child communication problems.
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Changzhou Minor Guidance Center
Gao Tingye four-dimensional integrated mental health growth guidance station member
Psychology teacher at a bilingual school
Master of Applied Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences
National level three psychological counselor
American Positive Correctional Parent Instructor
Systematic family therapist
Positive suspension is one of the many interesting and effective discipline tools in Positive Discipline, which is a method of raising children without punishment or arrogance, gentleness and power. So what kind of discipline tool is active suspension, and how can it be applied to family parent-child communication?
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1. What is a positive suspension? Correspondingly,
What is a negative pause?
There is a very important and practical tool in positive discipline called "positive suspension." It is completely different from the negative pauses we often use in the past, such as wall-facing thinking or penalty stations.
Negative suspension is a kind of change of direction punishment, and although children will also change their bad behavior, it is not spontaneous, but out of fear and compromise with adults. They will think about how to not be discovered by adults next time or change their behavior so easily when they grow up.
Positive pauses are a way to make children feel better. At the same time, we parents can also lead by example to actively pause to make themselves feel better, and then solve the problem when their emotions improve.
Active pause has two very important features:
1, do not hurt: to avoid the original level of conflict into emotional level of rifts and even physical violence. It's like pausing the progress bar and not expanding the bad situation that already exists.
2, another kind of communication: jump out. Block the emotional interaction between the two sides in this moment.
2. Positive suspension of understanding and correction
1, many teachers and parents will object to children in the pause period to do things that make them feel happy, you make a mistake, or have a conflict with me, not only do not punish you, but also let you play with toys, read books, or listen to music. It feels like you're rewarding your child for making mistakes.
The first misconception behind this notion is that children can only remember and do better if they are punished and feel bad. But in fact, only when people feel good can they do a good job and complete tasks autonomously, consciously, and voluntarily.
There is a second misconception behind this concept: making mistakes is undesirable, not allowed, and it is wrong to have conflicts with parents' ideas. But in fact, mistakes are opportunities for children to grow, opportunities to upgrade parent-child relationships, and opportunities to teach children skills. So behind those children who have enthusiasm and initiative are parents who have the correct understanding of making mistakes.
2. Should parents also make a positive pause? Obviously, the child is disobedient, why should parents stop?
This is because of what scientists call "mirror neurons" in our brains.
We can simply understand mirror neurons as if we were like people in a mirror, copying and imitating the behavior of other individuals.
When a parent or child poses a fighting posture, the other party will also instinctively and unconsciously respond with a fighting posture. A matter of obvious smallness, once caught in a hot dispute, it is easy to get out of the subject of the initial debate, so that both sides hurt each other.
And conversely, when we first return to rationality, the child will gradually calm down and return to rationality. When both parties can be calm enough to connect to the rational brain, it is time to solve the problem together.
3, after my child made a mistake, I let him stand or sit there to reflect, the effect is very good, simple, fast, effective, your method is not as good as mine.
In traditional family discipline, there is always a place for punishment. The penalty station is positive, and the sense of ritual of the penalty station can make the child realize that he has done something wrong than scolding, and let the parents and children calm down.
However, such a approach poses several problems:
1) This suspension and calmness of the child is not spontaneous, but imposed on him by his parents. Once a child gets used to this forced pause, the child may not be able to control his emotions when the parents are not present.
2, the habit of doing so will make the child associate the calm state with the negative emotions of punishment, which will make him subconsciously avoid calmness, and even submit to his own irritability.
3, as the child grows older, he may continue to stand, but there is no wave in his heart. It may also reject you, further challenge you, and make you feel frustrated by your authority.
Third, how to treat children of different ages
Use Active Pause
1. Children aged 4-12
At the age of 4, children begin to understand causality and begin to think logically, at this time, children can participate in the establishment of their own pause zone, and can understand the meaning of positive pause for them.
Active suspension means a physical space. When arranging the active pause angle, there are four principles:
1, advance training: the calm angle can not be used immediately when the problem breaks out, to communicate with the child before the problem occurs, the importance of positive suspension - 1 before solving the problem, everyone must feel good, 2 This is a way to deal with their emotions respectfully when angry - it does not matter what emotions are there, but you can't do what you want.
2, let the child arrange the pause area by himself, which can be a corner of the room, a sofa area, even if it is a cardboard box, etc.: tell them that they can read and listen to music here. You can also give this area a nice name.
3, admit that we also need a cool corner: When we let our children use the cool corner, we must also be aware of whether we want to go to our own cool corner. Otherwise, the child found out that he had gone to the cool corner and we were waiting in the tiger's face. Make sure your child knows that they are also making positive attempts, because they are more willing to believe what they see than to listen to what their parents say.
4, when the child feels better, it is necessary to follow up to find a solution to the problem.
2. Teenagers over 12 years old
If your child is over 12 years old and you haven't used these methods before, you can still start using the active pause zone method just described.
In addition to this, we can begin to use the deformation method of the positive pause zone – meditation, that is, the positive pause can focus on their emotional feelings. No region restrictions, anytime, anywhere, you can do active pause.
There are many tricks for family education, but what kind of mentality and state to use is actually more critical than these dazzling methods, because it is not a matter that crushes you, it is emotions. So, don't solve the problem with emotions, this is the core mental method. Active suspension is one of the more common and practical methods of this core mental method.
We need your voices!
Dear parents.
In 2022, Changzhou Minor Growth Guidance Center and Changzhou Radio "Growth Gas Station" continue to cooperate to launch the media column "Your heart is willing to listen", in order to continuously improve the quality of the program, better help minors and parents grow together, now from the majority of listeners and friends to collect relevant suggestions, please speak freely, thank you!
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