Author: Aono Maki
Source | New Oriental Family Education
ID：xdfjtjy
As a teacher for many years, I was often consulted by parents with parenting confusion:
"When I ask a child, he always says he doesn't know and doesn't want to say it."
"His parents don't listen to anything they say, and he listens to what others say."
"He is annoyed when he says too much, and he is afraid that he will take a detour when he says less, which is too difficult."
Although there are many problems, they are all communication problems in the final analysis.
The right way of communication can not only establish a good parent-child relationship, but also become a catalyst for family education.
In parent-child communication, the starting point of parents is for their children, but it often backfires.
Therefore, many parents often wonder: "Why are we all right, but children just don't want to listen?" "Obviously it's for the good of the child, but why is he just not appreciative?"
In fact, the root cause is that our bitter mouth is not consistent with the information that the child really receives.
There is a saying in "The Language of Parents": "Language is a powerful medium." ”
We communicate with children through language and achieve educational purposes through communication, but if the medium of language is not used well, it is easy for children not to understand the well-intentionedness behind their parents' language.
As for the correct parent-child communication method and what parents should not say to their children, the People's Daily has summarized these 7 points:
"Shut up, how can you just be disobedient"
When parents say, "Shut up, how can you just be disobedient?" ”
True thoughts: "The advice I give you is the most correct." ”
The child understands: "I can't have my own ideas. ”
Psychologist Patrice Evans once shared a very interesting conversation in the book:
"Baby, what kind of ice cream would you like to eat?"
"Mom, I want vanilla."
"Don't you try chocolate?"
"I just want vanilla."
"But mom thinks chocolate is better."
"I want vanilla!"
"Didn't you say you liked chocolate last time?"
"I want to eat vanilla this time!"
"You kid, that's weird."
In an episode of "Round Table Pie", guest Wu Zhihong said: "Power is a thing in the Chinese family that cannot be bypassed." ”
Many parents, like the mothers in the dialogue, seem to be democratically soliciting their children's opinions in communication with their children, but in fact, they completely ignore the real ideas of their children. By imposing his own ideas on his children, he further consolidated his position of absolute power in the family.
But raising a child without assertiveness and independent thinking should not be the purpose of family education.
Encourage children to express their true feelings, ask children more "what are your ideas", and support children to make some attempts within the scope of their abilities, which is what parents should really do.
"If I say no, I can't do it"
When parents say, "If I say no, I can't do it." ”
True thoughts: "This thing is wrong and cannot be done." ”
The child understands: "Because you are an adult, I can only temporarily obey your arrangement." ”
Professor Li Meijin once shared a common phenomenon in parenting:
"Parents say not to play with a bad child, but the child will steal to play with the bad children in the eyes of the parents, and even lie to 'darken the warehouse'."
Why do parents clearly give repeated orders, but children do not listen at all?
In fact, it is because when children encounter problems, parents often treat their children's problems in a reprehensible way, and then force children to do what to do, they will naturally have a rebellious psychology.
There is a "principle of empathetic communication" in "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People", which points out that when communicating, you need to understand the other person's ideas first, and then let the other party understand your own ideas.
So, when there is a disagreement with the child, instead of imposing interference, it is better to patiently listen to the child's ideas, such as asking the child why he chose to make friends with him. Finally, express your concerns and concerns.
Respecting your child's choices and listening to the reasons behind your child's choices is also a way to build communication trust with your child.
"I don't care about you anymore"
When parents say, "I don't care about you anymore, just do as you please." ”
True thoughts: "Follow the path I plan, and you will have a better life in the future." ”
The child understands: "Why are you forcing me?"
Joey in the movie "Journey of the Mind" is bent on pursuing his musical dreams, but his mother does not approve.
She asked her son to work hard, rather than pursuing his illusory musical dreams.
But Joey said to his mother, "I want to choose my music, that's why I live, I don't want to make my life worthless." ”
Parents are worried that their children are biased in their life path, but it is actually because we are not sure whether the child's choice is correct. Not sure what will happen to your child after he chooses the path he wants to take?
This uncertainty about the unknown creates great fear and uneasiness.
Because of this fear, we chose the simplest and most rude way of communication: if you listen to me, I will take care of you, and if you don't listen to me, I will no longer ignore you.
Just like Joey in the movie, he always insisted on his passion for music. When he finally had the opportunity to perform on the same stage with his idol, the whole person was glowing.
Italian education expert Montessori once said: "As soon as every child is born, there is naturally a spiritual embryo." ”
Family education, the first thing is to let children be loyal to themselves, parents, just their growth of the bystander and guide.
Instead of forcing planning, it is better to go with the flow when communicating with your child, based on their "personality", and encourage them to move in the direction that suits them.
"Pick up the rags before you show up"
When the parents say, "If you don't see much, you will pick up the rags in the future." ”
True thoughts: "You need to work harder. ”
The child understands: "I'm terrible. ”
One of my students, usually very smart and has good grades, but he will hardly raise his hand in class. To encourage her, I suggested to her mom that she could give her child some chances to exercise.
Unexpectedly, when I opened my mouth, her mother began to complain in front of her daughter:
"She grew up with this dead look, she couldn't stand in front of the stage at all, and it was humiliating to go up..."
The child looked at his mother, and the little star in his eyes suddenly dimmed...
It turns out that this is the real reason why she never takes the initiative to raise her hand: other children are allowed to trial and error, and even if she does it right, it is a "shame"...
There is an "Aronson effect" in psychology, which refers to the gradual negative attitude as the reward decreases, and the attitude gradually positive as the reward increases.
Parents' encouragement and affirmation of their children is the best reward for their children.
The more this reward, the faster the child progresses; conversely, the more bad reviews, the more likely it is that the child will take it as his own label, from "may not be done" to "really can't do it".
"Just know to play, once you learn, you have no spirit"
When parents say, "Just know how to play, and once you learn, you don't have the spirit." ”
True thoughts: "When you study, don't think about playing, in order to improve." ”
The child understands: "In the eyes of my mother, I can only be satisfied with it if I make a learning machine." ”
As a mother, I have always believed in the principle that "only by playing well is learning well".
Because it's a virtuous circle: tired of playing – able to rest – energetic at school – more focused when studying – more efficient at completing assignments – more time to play.
Management guru Steven Covey proposed: "Exercise can regulate stress and cultivate the ability to be proactive. ”
Playing freely is not to indulge children, on the contrary, to let children release the pressure of learning and recharge their spiritual level during play.
Whether it is learning or playing, you can follow the principle of "first things first".
Put the most important things in the moment first, have fun when playing, learn well when learning, link with each other, and achieve balance in order to produce the best performance.
"How are you inferior to others?"
When parents say, "How are you inferior to others?" ”
True thoughts: "You have to learn from other children's strengths." ”
The child understands: "I am not as good as others, and I am always very poor in the eyes of my parents." ”
Once when he went out to eat, the father at the next table taught his son: "Gu Ailing is an Olympic champion when she is only a teenager, can't you work as hard as she does?" ”
Unexpectedly, his son replied: "Gu Ailing's father is a Harvard graduate, or do you want to take the Harvard exam first?" ”
There is a hot question on Zhihu: "Does my parents always compare me with other children, does it mean that I am really inferior to others?" ”
One answer particularly touched me: "No, you're very good, they just used the wrong incentives." ”
Indeed, instead of pinching the child's "short board", it is better to pay attention to the child's "long board": for example, some children are introverted and dare not express themselves, but they like to read, then encourage him to write down what he reads and thinks, and then express it...
Each child's strengths can be "docked" to the learning method in different ways.
The "Principles of Creative Communication" point out that we should pay attention to the different psychology, emotions and intelligences of different individuals.
The same goes for children, and every child is different.
Rather than allowing children to compare themselves horizontally with different people and doubt their own efforts, it is better to encourage children to surpass themselves vertically through positive motivation.
"You're wrong again, stupid"
When parents say, "You're wrong again, stupid!" ”
True thoughts: "If you work hard, you can succeed." ”
The child understands: "I am a loser. ”
When a child faces a failure once or twice, it is easy to develop frustration.
If at this time, when you can't seek encouragement from your parents and your frustration is not properly guided and cathartic, it is easy for your child to become unconfident, timid, and finally refuse to try again.
There is a saying: "Don't use your emotions to accuse your child of failure." ”
When children occasionally fail, parents can try the "end-to-end" principle of communication: since the goal is to let the child avoid failure again, then look for experience from the failure of the moment and continue to try, rather than using catharsis as a communication method and purpose.
For example, in daily life, use less "myopia", use more "magnifying glass", ignore some small mistakes of children, and say more "Mother sees your progress, are you willing to try again?" ”
Write at the end:
There is a saying: "Parents underestimate the harm they have done to their children and also overestimate their children's ability to heal wounds." ”
Many children's psychological problems in adulthood are mostly from the language of the original family.
Educating children is a long life course.
In this process, the child is growing, and the parents are also growing. Rough communication can easily have an immediate effect, but when the child grows up, when he has the ability to rebel against his parents, it is difficult to "submit" to the power of his parents.
Raising children is indeed an easy task.
Parents will inevitably punish and scold their children, but we need to see what we really want to express behind the "subconscious" language.
Don't really wait until the child completely refuses to communicate, and then accuse the child of not understanding the parents and not being grateful to the parents.
Tell the child more sincere words, the energy of love will flow between parents and children, the child will receive our kindness, and can use love and trust to drive intrinsic motivation to grow.
Children are independent living individuals, they need to be respected, understood, trusted, they need to communicate equally, interactive communication, so that they can form self-esteem, self-confidence, independent personality.
And these are the most powerful support and strength for children to face the future.
Click "Watching" and encourage your parents.
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