Children are particularly introverted, do not like to talk, can not get along with children happily, what to do?
Children are particularly self-sufficient, and when they encounter something, they lose their temper and throw things, what should they do?
The child is particularly timid, emotionally unstable, and comes to me for help as soon as there is a situation, what should I do?
Every parent has had some concerns about their child's emotional problems to a greater or lesser extent. Indeed, it is necessary to pay attention to the changes in children's mood as they grow up.
Li Meijin, a famous psychology professor, also said: Before the age of 6 is a critical period for children's personality development.
During this period, the parents' approach is particularly important, if the parents have no way to control their emotions, it is likely that the result will only be counterproductive.
For example, let's imagine a scene where a child falls when he is naughty, cries and breaks his knee. What do you do then?
A. Panic and overwhelmed, or scold the child "a little thing, don't cry"
B. Look for the cause of the wrestling with the child and tell her that the wound will heal soon
Many parents' first reaction is A, which is also due to our parenting nature. But the panic of parents may make children think that wrestling bleeding is a big thing. After encountering the same problem, they will also have the same flustered emotions and lack the ability to face difficulties independently. It also suppresses the child's expression of emotions, more
Option B is the more recommended approach. Because when encountering problems, in addition to helping children solve problems, it is more important to guide children to find the root cause of the problem, so as to avoid making mistakes again. Scientific problem explanations can also help children understand the body structure, stabilize emotions, and solve the same difficulties more independently the next time they encounter them.
Let's look at another scenario:
The child suddenly told you in the morning that he didn't want to go to kindergarten today and wanted to play at home for a day. What do you do then?
A. Scold the child loudly and urge him to hurry out
B. Agree with the child to make adjustments, and then talk to the child alone in the evening
Playing at home for a day? How can it be. Definitely choose A.
However, we adults go to work and have statutory annual leave every year, so why can't we allow our children to have moments when they need to adjust?
I remember a spiritual writer who said that a person's tantrum is actually a manifestation of inner vulnerability, and he is ostensibly exerting pressure, but in fact he is asking for help.
Many times parents complain that their children do not obey, always face the parents, and do not allow the child to do what he has to do, which is actually an expression and struggle of the child.
The origin of this pattern of action is often that when the child wants to express it, the parents habitually ignore it. If the child's emotions are not valued for a long time, and the will is not expressed for a long time, he will begin to fight, and the only thing he can do is to work against the parents.
At this time, if we parents blindly blame the child or talk about the big reason, it will either cause the child to resist, or let the child be bent on perfection and bring about childhood wounds that are difficult to heal.
And if we can accept and listen to children's emotions more, and treat them as equal and independent personalities, it will become a positive force to promote children's growth.
Of course, after communication, the child may also make completely unreasonable requests. What to do at this time? We can also try the "I message" method.
"I message" is a form of communication that encourages the speaker to express positive feelings, and there are two main points: one is to make an objective description of the child's behavior without judgment, and the other is to say his positive feelings in the moment.
For example, if a child says he does not want to go to kindergarten, the communication method of "my information" can be divided into three steps:
Step 1 describes the behavior, guesses about the problem your child may be experiencing, and then expresses it in sentences that do not have subjective emotions, such as: Kindergarten has something to worry you about.
Step 2 expresses feelings, such as the mother's feeling that "the mother also likes to stay with you", but every time you hear you say that you don't want to go to kindergarten, the mother will "cluck" in her heart, so that the child knows how you really feel.
Step 3 Express your expectation that your mother wants you to go to kindergarten and that you can go to kindergarten happily.
The child's behavior is a mirror for the parent. If parents can learn to express more feelings and less emotions, children will slowly learn this way of expression and tell you the real reason why they don't want to go to school. When parents and children gradually get used to this way of communicating with each other, the relationship between parents and children will gradually become harmonious, and the child's rebellious behavior will be greatly reduced.
Of course, this also requires us to show great patience and wisdom.
The above hypothetical scenario question is actually from the new picture book "60 Minutes Mother Series" (Li Xiaomeng/Wen Liu Na/Photo) by former CCTV host and parenting expert Li Xiaomeng. Based on the real life she experienced with her daughter Benben, Li Xiaomeng put forward the concept of "goodwill parenting" with P.E.T communication as the core, and shared the themes of effective listening, empathy, and partner cooperation. The responses of different family members are full of substitution, which is very suitable for parents with parenting problems.
"60 points mom"
system
column
"Mom, I don't want to go to kindergarten", "Mom, I'm wronged", "Mom, I'm hurt"
This is a set of picture books that parents and children can read and learn together
60 points mom is good enough – listen to the heart behind the child's emotions
With the British psychologist Winnicott's parenting philosophy as the core,
Emphasize the role of communication in parent-child relationships