In the process of interacting with our children, if there is a problem with the way we interact, it will greatly affect the development of these abilities and skills of our children.
Usually there are three ways for parents to interact with their children. The first is harsh, what does a stern parent look like? Once when I took my child to the Beijing Zoo, a chubby little boy of about six or seven years old especially wanted to eat marshmallows, but his mother probably felt that it was not good to eat too many marshmallows, so she began to reprimand the children, "What do I say to you, you can't see what you want, don't you know?" The mother loves her child very much, but her performance at that time can be described as "straight talk, cold as frost", it is estimated that the little boy was frightened by his mother and cried very badly.
When faced with such a strict state of parents, children often do not understand the causal relationship of things. Some people will say that children who are so old can not understand? In fact, of course, children will understand, but it is not understood when they are severely reprimanded by parents, and they are only understood later. When parents are so strict, most of the time they are overly controlling their children, such discipline is generally with punishment in it, more emphasis on rules, but lack of love, children have no choice; such discipline will only temporarily make the child obedient, but then the child will have a lot of rebellious performance.
For example, the first manifestation of rebellion will be resentment, and you punish me unfairly! I can't trust adults, I hate adults, I'm not loved, I can only be angry and hateful. The second is revenge, now you punish me, when I have a chance, I must fight with you, revenge to show you. The third is rebellion, which is even more powerful, that is, to fight against you, how you let me do, I am not biased, I want to do what you do not let me do. The fourth is to withdraw, he does not do it when he is in front of you, but he will quietly do it not let you find out, or he is extremely inferior, self-denial and does not dare to try anything, so this strict discipline method has many drawbacks.
If it is too severe, children are often prone to losing themselves, not caring about themselves or not caring about others, and such a personality is also prone to extremes, either arrogant or inferior. But many parents also say that today's children are too doting, and there will be so many problems when they are pampered, that is, they need to be strict. In fact, there is nothing wrong with being strict, but we must also know where yan is strict? To be strict in the rules is not strict in the attitude, of course, there is no rule can not be a square circle, but there is no love as the basis of the rules is also difficult to implement, gentle attitude is to respect each other, strict discipline is the lack of respect.
When we shared the book "How to Say Children Will Listen, How to Listen to Children Will Speak", we mentioned that if we want to gain the trust of children and achieve cooperation with children, the biggest premise is mutual respect, so strict discipline alone will certainly not work.
The second way parents interact with their children is arrogance, what is arrogance? It is the harsh opposite, everyone says coddling, pampering, indulgence is to give children unlimited freedom but no rules, to give children unlimited choices but no boundaries, children want to do what they want to do, this arrogant parenting style will make children feel insecure.
On the surface, the child seems to enjoy unlimited freedom and choice, but because he does not know where the boundaries of his behavior are and where the depth of things is, he is more likely to fall into anxiety and uneasiness, and it is difficult for him to find self-confidence and cultivate a sense of responsibility in the process. In fact, the role of a parent is more of a helper during a child's upbringing. When children come to this world and cannot eat, sleep, speak, or walk, we must help them learn these skills, help them know right and wrong, understand good and evil, and help them learn what can and cannot be done.
The child is characterized by a particularly strong ability to perceive, but his ability to explain is particularly weak, and the child's behavior usually depends on the facts they believe, not on the real facts. Therefore, parents should be like a bridge in the process of parenting, connecting the real facts with the facts that the children believe. In the process, he constantly explains to the child what he observes, explains good and bad, good and evil to him, explains the world to him, tells him what can and cannot be done, and tells him where the boundaries are.
For if there is no border, everything will be in chaos, and if the sea crosses the border of the land, it is a tsunami; if magma crosses the boundary of the crust, it is a volcanic eruption. Therefore, with boundaries, there is a sense of security, the freedom with boundaries is true freedom, and the love with boundaries is true love. If a child has no boundaries and is in chaos, how can he feel safe?
So what should be done without boundaries and gentleness? That is the third form of parent-child interaction – positive discipline. Positive discipline is a method that is neither harsh nor arrogant, it is based on respect, cooperation, and on the basis of kindness and firmness, children learn to control themselves and develop life skills. Positive discipline advocates unconditional love, but at the same time emphasizes that unconditional love is not without principles, and in the process of interacting with children, there must be respect for love, and at the same time there must be boundaries, which is positive discipline.