There is no good parent-child relationship, and all education is a castle in the air.
Author | Tomato Mom
Qian Zhiliang, an expert in children's education, once said:
"Parent-child relationship is greater than education, if parents want to educate their children well, they must first establish a good parent-child relationship."
A good parent-child relationship is the source of a child's lifelong happiness and sense of security, and it is also the premise of education.
Some people compare parent-child relationship to an emotional account, when the emotional account stores enough love, companionship, understanding and respect, the account will have a surplus, and the child's heart is also rich;
And when there is criticism, accusation, denial and suspicion in the most, the account balance will decrease, or even show a state of loss.
For example, the following 8 common behaviors have unconsciously overdrafted the parent-child account.
Unable to control his temper, he often became angry with his children
In the past, there was a mother and daughter living next door to my house, and I heard that the man ran away from the business failure in the early years, leaving her alone with her daughter.
Probably because of bad luck and the heavy burden of life, she is often seen venting her emotions on her 5- or 6-year-old daughter:
Eat slowly and yell loudly;
Dressed in reverse, reprimanded for doing nothing;
Once, because I didn't finish my homework, I was criticized all the way...
And the little girl always kept her head down, never resisted her mouth, and looked quiet and well-behaved.
In fact, children are very sensitive to their parents' emotions, parents often turn their anger on their children, will let the children walk on thin ice, for fear of accidentally provoking parents, causing a scolding and roar.
Such children are extremely fragile from an early age, and the existence of their parents is not warmth and strength for them, but endless fear.
This makes them have a gray and dull childhood, and when they grow up, they are also easily sensitive and emotional, and they live in the shadow of their parents all their lives.
Therefore, no matter how difficult life is, parents should also control their temper.
Get used to pouring cold water on your child when they're happy
I watched a variety show in which there was a 5-year-old boy named Huluwa.
He was first in every competition, but his mom and dad never praised him.
He said in a low voice during the show: "Every time I have something strong, my mother says that I am far away from others." ”
The guest on the spot asked him: "Do you feel wronged if you don't get the praise you deserve?" ”
He couldn't help but cover his eyes and cry.
Psychologist William James said: "The deepest desire of human nature is to have the appreciation of others." ”
Many parents pour cold water on their children, that is, they are afraid that their children will breed complacency and remind their children to stay awake and continue to work hard.
But forget that parents are the closest people in a child's life, and there is no child who does not want to be recognized and praised by his parents.
Children who are often beaten by their parents and pour cold water are always scarred in their hearts and carry the shadow of inferiority all their lives.
Good parents are very good at giving their children a show, often affirming his efforts, appreciating his courage, and appreciating his attitude.
This kind of appreciation from the bottom of the heart will inject the child's heart with the confidence of "I can" and "I can do it", so that the child will be more and more motivated to do things.
Often blame partners in front of children
I know that I have seen the story of a blogger:
Her father was unemployed when she was very young, and went out every day to find work, and her biggest hobby was to drink with a group of co-workers after work, often late.
For this reason, her parents quarreled for three days, and her memory was filled with the sounds of accusations, insults and roars.
Every time her parents quarreled, the next day, her mother always complained and complained in front of her, saying how her father had no conscience, he was really blind...
She did not understand what her father had done wrong, but in her heart she marked her father as "guilty" and "waste".
Only later did she understand that in fact, her father was not so bad, and her college tuition was saved little by little by his father after several jobs.
However, in the long process of growing up, she almost never looked at her father squarely, and her personality was also influenced by her mother, and she was prone to complaining, especially liked to blame her other half.
In fact, abandoning and blaming your partner in front of your child hurts more than just the relationship between your child and your other half.
It also has a profound impact on children's personality, interpersonal relationships, and especially the establishment of intimate relationships in the future.
Marriage is not a smooth road, and there are inevitably contradictions and quarrels.
Solve problems rationally, have more understanding and tolerance for partners, and strive to create a harmonious and loving family environment, so that children can be full of confidence and hope in life.
Use authority to force children to obey
There are always such scenes in life:
When the child is rebellious and disobedient, the parents often threaten and persecute the child:
"Why are you painting all this messy stuff again?" I'll confiscate it later if I see it again!
If you dare to play the game again, I will break your leg!" ”
But the child is not your subordinate, using the authority of the parents to blindly force the child to obey, although for a while "win" the child, but will make the child more and more rebellious.
I remember reading a story about a high school boy who had a conflict with his mother at home because of his studies, and the mother and son were tit-for-tat and did not give in to each other.
In the end, the angry boy took advantage of his mother's lack of attention and jumped down from the 5th floor, with a crushing fracture of his lower limb, and wanted to spend his life in a wheelchair.
And the rest of mom's life was filled with remorse.
In the book "Positive Discipline", it is written:
"Parents want to win the discipline of their children, and the most important thing is to make them feel that you are on his side, and that at all times, you respect him and understand him." 」
Parents with real emotional intelligence know how to squat down and listen to their children's voices in an equal relationship.
When a child feels fluid love and understanding, he is naturally willing to open his heart and listen to his parents.
Likes to be cynical to children
I know that the last blogger told about the moment he got along with his mother since he was a child:
She spent half a month weaving a wallet, and her mother said that there was no need to learn that kung fu;
She felt fat and wanted to lose weight, and her mother said, as far as your looks are concerned, they are still as ugly as you are;
She said she wanted to be the host in the future, and her mother said, wake up, don't dream.
Gradually, she had no confidence in doing anything, and completely closed the door to communication with her mother.
She actually knew that her mother loved her very much and silently paid a lot for her, but for so many years, she could not be as close to her mother as other girls.
Jimmy once said: A child would rather be stabbed by a cactus than hear an adult sneer at him.
Words hurt people invisibly, and the parents' ridicule, seemingly unintentional, but a knife was pierced in the child's heart.
In fact, even the most affectionate licking heart also needs to be correctly expressed in order to be accepted by the child.
Talking well, a little more encouragement to the child, a little less blow, a little more gentleness, a little less sarcasm, is the best gift for the child.
Disregard your child's privacy
Once saw a news:
A mother installed a camera at home to monitor her first-grade daughter at any time through her mobile phone, such as whether she reads books on time, whether her sitting posture is correct, etc.
The camera also has an intercom function, and the mother's voice will be heard coldly at home: "Sit up straight!" What book are you reading! How can I watch cartoons again! ”
It is really hard to imagine what kind of suffering a child who lives under the supervision of his mother and has no privacy at this moment is experiencing in his heart?
How many parents feel that I am your guardian and that you have any secrets that I cannot know?
Therefore, under the banner of "good for you", they supervise the child's every move;
They did not knock on the door and did not hesitate to break into the child's room;
Even opening your child's drawer without consent and rummaging through their privacy...
As everyone knows, this kind of behavior is seriously depriving children of self-esteem and eroding children's privacy.
Children who grow up in this environment have difficulty in establishing trust in their parents, are insecure, and do not feel the slightest happiness.
You know, every child is an independent individual and needs his own room for growth.
Only by fully respecting children's feelings and maintaining certain boundaries can we establish a harmonious parent-child relationship and make home a warm harbor.
Always compare your child to others
There was once a street interview on a show that asked children, "What do you hate most about what your parents say to you?" ”
The answers are varied, and the most frequent of them is to compare yourself to other people's children:
"You see the little brother next door, the same age as you, people have good grades, sports are also strong, and they are better than you."
"The guzheng you learned with Xiaohua, how come everyone has passed the 6th level, and you are not yet?"
How many parents regard their children as a tool for their own comparison, from their children's talents, grades, to where to work in the future, and what kind of other half to find, they must compare with others.
For a long time, "other people's children" are like a stinger, piercing the hearts of young children, destroying their self-confidence, and pushing them farther and farther.
When a child lives to be the face of his parents, his inner son will also be riddled with holes.
Every child is unique, just like every flower, it will bloom differently.
The ultimate mission of parents should be to accept the differences of each child, tap into the advantages of the child, and help him bloom in a unique posture.
Overcontrolling of your child
Do you have such a parent around you:
When I was a child, my child went to what interest classes, what he usually wore, what he ate, and who he made friends with had to be managed;
When the child grows up, he helps the child plan his profession, arranges work, and screens the marriage partner..... Step by step, tightly sewn.
This kind of control in the name of love seems to be a far-reaching plan for the child, but the essence is nothing more than forcing the child to live the life that his parents want him to live.
In the movie "囧Mom", the mother strongly interferes in the life of her son Ivan.
Obviously, my sons are all in their 40s, but they usually have to strictly follow her arrangements for eating a few pieces of braised meat, when to have children, and what time the bladder is drained.
This tight control suffocated Ivan and inadvertently projected this pattern of intimacy onto his wife, causing her to file for divorce.
In the end, devastated, he chose to get on the train and flee alone.
The University of London did a study:
"Children are under the control of their parents for a long time, which can cause lifelong harm, and when they grow up, they have poor independence and strong dependence, and their happiness index is lower no matter at what stage."
Grass and trees will sprout, children will grow up, and the train of years will not stop for anyone.
Truly decent parents never interfere excessively in their children's lives, but rather "I love you, so I'm willing to let go and let you live the life you want." ”
Writer Chi Li wrote a passage to the child:
"My love for you is every breath, every smile, every tear in my life.
If God allows me, I will only love you more! ”
I believe that every parent loves their children deeply, but sometimes because they are not mature enough, they are gradually lost on the road of education.
True love is deep understanding and acceptance, silent letting go and fulfillment.
It is the child who can cry in front of you, can laugh, can succeed, can fail, and can be himself to the fullest.
To be able to establish such a harmonious, pleasant and intimate parent-child relationship with the child is the luck of the parent's life.
Click "like it", may we all be able to mature in self-examination and growth, be the most gentle and closest friend on the road of children's lives, and accompany children to move forward together.