Text / Mother Moss Parenting Transcript
Jane, author of Positive Discipline. Nelson once said: If you feel pain in the process of disciplining your child, your method must be wrong.
Education today is much more complex than the previous generation. The impact of various cultures, the impact of ideas. Is it "subtraction" or "chicken", whether to pay attention to "test-taking" or "quality", whether to be "principled" or "inclusive"? These are all problems that we have to face.
After my son entered junior high school, I also faced no small challenge.
I can clearly feel the changes in adolescent children. A little rebellious, everything must be "meaningful", only do what you agree with in your heart. The "good baby" in elementary school is getting farther and farther away from me. I had to rethink how to establish a new mode of communication with my son.
First, let's talk about the parenting pain points of my old mother in the past six months
1, the helplessness of accompanying school: wishful thinking, hot face paste cold ass
There was not much pressure on primary schoolwork, and I had always been in stocking for my son. Most of the education is used in peripheral construction, such as encouraging him to do more extracurricular reading and painting. Even if he spends a lot of time at home tinkering with some "dark inventions", I have no objection.
In junior high school, the subjects increased, the difficulty also increased, and the pace of learning suddenly accelerated. At first, my son thought that the little cleverness of learning in elementary school could cope with it. However, several consecutive examinations were not ideal, and the results were mediocre.
Old mother, I began to realize that I had to adjust my thinking and first solidify the knowledge of the school. So I jumped in. In order not to let the child take a detour, I studied the teaching materials and learning methods outside the number of words first, and also consulted many senior teachers.
I thought that this set of hard-working learning methods would be very useful to my son. Unexpectedly, the effect is not obvious.
When I told him, he seemed to listen. But when executed, it is another set. For example, a simple writing should be serious, the importance has been said countless times, and the loss of the composition deduction points has also eaten a lot, and it can only be said to have improved slightly.
2, class exercise evaluation: the high score is the drama essence, which makes no sense at all
Recently, the class engaged in daily conduct scoring. Class discipline, physical exercise, lunch break, eye exercises, as well as health examinations and homework norms, are all included in the assessment.
The class group does ideological mobilization every day, so that parents can communicate with their children on how to improve the performance of exercises. But my old mother, it was useless to be in a hurry. Because whenever I discuss with my son why I am deducted points and why I don't add points, I always touch the nails.
"If the homework is extra, the grades must be good?" Many students' homework is copied, so what is the point? ”
"Shouldn't homework be your own business?" Why do you have to force the teacher to criticize it? I'll do it myself, and it's good to really master this knowledge. Don't you go to the teacher and increase the teacher's workload? ”
"If the score is high, the quality must be high?" It is not to deliberately perform praise in front of the teacher. ”
I was speechless for a moment, and I really digested it for a while.
Second, why do parents always feel that parents are "unable to exert themselves" in educating adolescent children?
Getting along with adolescent children is really a science.
The little rebellion that all children look like is actually just a symptom. If you simply use some educational concepts to understand, accept, and tolerate children, parents are likely to "break the work" in minutes and be angry and vomit blood.
Trying to understand the child, can not stand the other party "oil and salt do not enter." Want to tolerate him, but the other party is constantly "testing" your bottom line.
Later, I slowly realized that in order to solve problems, you must see the essence of children.
Dr. Heim Ginort, the founder of American educational psychology, is also the author of "Positive Discipline" Jane. Nielsen is a highly regarded educational psychologist who, through years of research, has pointed out that adolescence is not a happy time. Rather, it was a time of uncertainty, self-doubt, and pain.
"Teenage children have to experience sudden pressures such as physical changes, psychological impulses, social clumsiness, external comments, etc. in just a few years, so that the restlessness, confrontation and contradictions characteristic of adolescence will occur. They don't like to receive unsolicited attention and advice, and they prefer to make themselves appear mature and independent. As a result, children in this period often prove themselves by challenging authority, no matter how confusing and wrong the behavior may seem. ”
"Adolescent children are not only fighting against the outside world, but also against themselves." Why I'm not the person I want to be. I disguise myself so that no one else can see me, I am moody, my relationship with myself is very unpleasant, I hate myself..."
"Behind the child's chaotic thoughts and behaviors is actually an exploration of self-positioning again and again. They need such a period of time to free themselves from the relationships they formed with their parents during childhood and gradually establish more social relationships. ”
Dr. Ginote tells us that no matter how wise we are, in the eyes of teenagers, we don't have much time for us.
When I read this passage and looked back at my son's behavior, I seemed to understand a lot.
It is undeniable that children also have the motivation to pursue progress and are also working hard. However, the growth of children has a process of quantitative change to qualitative change. He really has to find the feeling, realize the trick, and then he will make a leap forward. In this process, what parents can do is to see the motivation of their children's progress, respect the rhythm of their children's growth, silently promote, and accept with their hearts. Objectively speaking, since my son entered junior high school, more and more things can be completed independently, and his self-confidence and energy values have been significantly enhanced.
Of course, there are many times when children are "confused". His parents were bitter and kind to each other, but he did not appreciate it at all. Later, I observed that in fact, children also hope that their efforts can be seen and recognized, and their ideas can be supported and understood. Especially the most recent time I did a "positive discipline" questionnaire with him arranged by the school. I truly feel that children want to be recognized by their parents in their hearts.
Third, adolescent education: guide children to find themselves
1. What is the ultimate goal of education?
There is an idea in positive discipline, "build an independent and complete self-esteem system for children", which is the point I have been thinking about the most recently.
As parents, we often ask our children to do this and do that. We think it's the right thing to do, and we think the child should accept it. If you don't obey, it's the child's fault.
In fact, the meticulous and meticulous "management" of parents is not conducive to the cultivation of children's self-esteem and self-reliance. And self-esteem is so important to a child. With self-esteem, there will be self-love, self-improvement, self-reliance, self-confidence, self-discipline... In this way, we will have a complete and healthy personality.
Sometimes, I wonder, what kind of child do we want to raise? What is the ultimate goal of education?
Is it admission to a prestigious university, a shining lintel? Is there a stable and developing career in the future? Is it a peaceful and smooth life?
I don't think so. These goals have too many unfathomable external factors. For parents, what we can do is to shape the independent personality of children, guide them to correctly understand themselves and find themselves. This is the confidence that children can calmly face all problems when they grow up.
Israeli historian Yuval. Harari said in A Brief History Today: "Parents and teachers teach their children the ability to embrace the unknown, not information and skills. ”
The future society needs children's ability to actively learn new things, more ability to adapt. They will frequently encounter unfamiliar environments, but still need to maintain a balance of mind. Therefore, when we reflect on the goals of education from this perspective, we will find that it is so important to cultivate children's independent personality, the ability to think independently, and the ability to face challenges and bear pressure independently.
The book Positive Discipline proposes seven important perceptual abilities and skills. Personally, I think this is the best guide for educating children.
(1) Perception of personal ability: The child feels that I can do this.
(2) My own perception of value in important relationships: My contribution is valuable, and everyone needs me.
(3) Perception of my own power or influence in life: I am able to influence what happens to me.
(4) Introspective ability: the ability to understand individual emotions, and can use this understanding to achieve self-discipline and self-control.
(5) Interpersonal communication skills: good at cooperating with others and building friendships on the basis of communication, collaboration, consultation, sharing, empathy and listening.
(6) Overall grasp ability: with a sense of responsibility, adaptability, flexibility* and integrity to deal with various restrictions in daily life and behavioral consequences.
(7) Judgment ability: Use wisdom to evaluate the situation according to appropriate values.
2) How do we get along with adolescent children?
If the child cooks for the first time, ask, "Mom, how long do you have to cook dumplings?" ”
I'd say, "I don't know, you can check it out for yourself." ”
If the child asks again, "How far are the dumplings cooked before they are cooked?" ”
I would say, "Do you take a bite and taste it?" ”
If your child can't do homework, ask me, "Mom, how do you do this problem?" ”
I would definitely not tell him the standard answer directly.
Because it is better to guide him to the results through his own thinking.
If my child fails his exams, I will not scold him.
Because, I think this is a rare opportunity to grow.
Learning is a child's own business. He needs to be accountable for the results and bear the impact of the results. Parents' accusations at this time often seem a little redundant, or strengthen the child's awareness of self-preservation, while ignoring the reflection on the problem itself.
Leaving some space for your child may help him find a solution to the problem. And what parents have to do is to give him a boost when he is working hard.
Positive discipline says "be kind and firm," and that's more or less the idea it wants to convey.
We need to create opportunities for children to master knowledge, understand the world, and know themselves through their own exploration. In life, he can decide for himself what to wear today, how to arrange the time, and what to do. In this way, they will have a greater sense of accomplishment;
We may as well let our children face the increasingly complex interpersonal relationships in the small society of school alone. Let them collide in the conflict, collide with the solution of the conflict, and feel the strength of the team in the collaboration;
We can also guide children to do more selfless and dedicated things, such as helping classmates solve some difficulties, helping families share some affairs, and then sincerely expressing gratitude and appreciation. Psychologist Adler said that you will feel happy to be able to give for others, to be able to help others, even if it is only a small thing. Because you find a sense of self-identity here and realize your self-worth.
This is how I have reflected on my less "smooth" communication with my son over the past six months. It is said that raising children is a self-cultivation of parents, and parenting first raises themselves. Hopefully, we can all practice the Tao. In the process of raising children, meet a better self.