I believe that the education of children is the top priority in the hearts of every parent, especially after becoming a father, this experience is deeper. Before and after the birth of the child, I read a lot of books about raising children, and I was also sincerely afraid and constantly learning. Of all the books I read, the one who inspired me the most was Jane. Dr. Nelson's book Positive Discipline.
Positive discipline
The first exposure to the concept of positive discipline began with Fan Deng's book Reading the Child's Heart. One of the chapters in the book describes some of the concepts and methods used in Positive Discipline, and gives examples of what happened to the author himself. At that time, I felt a refreshing feeling.
Read your child's heart
1. Why should we learn positive discipline?
Why should we learn positive discipline? Is there something wrong with the way our parents teach us from childhood to adulthood? The book begins with a problem.
It may not be that the previous way is a big problem, but that the current society is changing, and the part of the way we used to know about education is no longer suitable for today's life. In general, there are three ways to interact between adults and children:
1. Harsh (excessive control): "These are the rules you have to follow; these are the penalties you will be punished for breaking the rules." "Children are involved in the decision-making process.
2. Arrogant (no limit): "We have no rules. I believe we will love each other and will be happy, and I believe that you will choose your own rules in the future. ”
3. Positive discipline (authoritative kindness goes hand in hand with firmness): "Together we make rules that are beneficial to both sides. Together, we will also decide on solutions that will benefit all of us when we encounter problems. When we have to make decisions on our own, I will be firm and kind, uphold your dignity, and give you respect. ”
Many people feel strongly that harshness and punishment are very effective forms of discipline. Intuitively and empirically, this is indeed the most effective, and can immediately stop the child's bad behavior. Our old sayings of "no fight, no talent", "filial piety under the stick" probably mean the same thing.
2. The harm of severity and punishment
This may be effective in the short term, but in the long run, it will have the undesirable consequences of the four "R's".
1. Resentment – "That's not fair! I can't believe the grown-ups! ”
2. Revenge – "This time they won, but I'll get it back!" ”
3. Rebellion – "I'm going to do it to prove that I don't have to do what they ask." ”
4. Retreat a. Sneaky—" I'll never let him catch it next time." ”
B. Low self-esteem – "I'm a bad boy." ”
Positive discipline is based on Alfred. Adler and Rudolf. Drakes's ideas are based. One of the points repeatedly emphasized in the book is that it is firm and kind. This is also the cornerstone of positive discipline.
"Kindness" means respecting both children and oneself. And what we need to do is "win" the child, not "win" the child. "Winning" a child means that the adult maintains the dignity of the child, treats the child with respect (kind and firm), and firmly believes that the child has the ability to cooperate with the adult and contribute to their strength. "Winning" the child means that the adult defeats the child by means of victory and punishment. "Win" the child, making the child a loser.
Parents and children
3. Four steps to winning a child
And often failure can lead to rebellion or blind obedience. Positive Discipline also gives us four steps to "win" over our children.
1. Express your child's perceived understanding. Be sure to check with your child that your understanding is correct.
2. Show compassion for your child, not forgiveness. Compassion doesn't mean you agree with or forgive your child's behavior, it just means you understand your child's feelings. At this time, if you tell your child that you have had similar feelings or behaviors, the effect will be better.
3. Tell your child how you feel. If you have done the first two steps sincerely and kindly, your child will be willing to listen to you at this point.
4. Let your child focus on solving problems. Ask your child what he thinks about avoiding these problems in the future. If your child has no ideas, you can make some suggestions knowing that you have reached a consensus.
The book also mentions a point:
"A child who misbehaves is a child who has lost faith."
Translated as "I don't feel belonging or self-worth, and I have the wrong idea of how to get them." I've seen similar ideas elsewhere. We often think that a child is naughty and well-behaved because of the doting of parents or grandparents. Not really. What children do is actually protest, they don't feel the love and care of adults. We often easily meet our children's material needs and ignore their feelings. This is something that every parent needs to reflect on.
simple. Nelson
And we also need to make sure that the message of love is accurately passed on to the child. When a child makes a mistake, we may also get angry and lose control to criticize the child. Of course we love our children, and afterwards we will tell them "I criticized you for your own good". But in the present moment, what the child feels is definitely not love, but fear. Love definitely doesn't do any harm!
Let's not have the misconception that in order to make our children better, we must make them feel worse (criticize or punish them).
4. Three R's to compensate for damage
But if we really can't control ourselves and hurt our children, is there any way to make up for it? The book also gives a feasible method, referred to as three Rs for short.
1. Recognize – "Aha! I made a mistake! ”
2. Reconcile – "I apologize to you. ”
3. Resolve – "Let's solve the problem together." ”
Many parents may be very aggrieved, knowing that they just want to try to educate their children in a positive way of discipline, but they do not rule out that children are splashing, naughty, and crying, and there is no way to reason. This phenomenon is actually normal. Children also test the rules. He has made you compromise by crying before, and will continue to achieve his goals in this way.
So when we use positive discipline, things tend to get worse before they get better. Especially in the process of child temptation, it is difficult to remain kind and firm. Therefore, the author also repeatedly emphasizes this point in the book, to maintain "firmness and kindness".
Kind parents
5. Write at the end
Many parents and teachers have said this, "I've told you a hundred times." I myself am no stranger to this saying, and I have heard it often when I was growing up. But we need to realize that saying it a hundred times is ineffective, that it is not the child who is stupid, and that as long as the adult does not solve the problem with the child and takes the responsibility that should have been borne by the child, the child will never learn to be responsible for his own behavior.
We need to shift our thinking to focusing on solving problems. The traditional form of discipline is to focus on what the child is going to do, while positive discipline is to teach the child what to do and give them some basic guidance. Children are active participants throughout the process, not passive recipients.
Of course, educating children is not only a way of positive discipline, as parents, we must always be humble and cautious, continue to learn, and strive to become a relatively qualified parent.