Author: Creative Group Lee Early
A few days ago, I saw a hot topic in the Zhihu parent-child section:
Why don't many children in China think about their parents' feelings?
There are more than 20,000 answers at the bottom, all of which are the children's "accusations":
"Parents never consider their children's feelings, so why expect their children to learn to understand their parents?"
Accuse your parents of selfishness, indifference, arbitrariness, and the great harm that your parents have done to their own upbringing.
It is the parents who really can't communicate, not the children
The child has grown up, but the parents have not yet learned to let go.
To destroy an adolescent child is to be tough with him.
Pity, author of Zhihu Gaozan, shared his story:
My mother went to Macau and brought me a bag, but it broke out completely.
The cause of the incident was that my mother sent two packages on WeChat, and I both refused.
The reason is that I don't like the brand, and more importantly I have dense phobia, and this bag has dense sequins.
I patiently said over and over again: I don't like it, don't buy it.
After I refused countless times, my mother bought it anyway.
And replied: "This bag is very beautiful, you like it, come back on it." ”
Maybe you will feel that I don't take my mother's kindness and don't know how to consider my mother's feelings.
But the truth is, I'm 22 years old, but I've been tormented by my mother's kindness for a long time.
Growing up, everything had to go against my will, and even if it was a bag, I had no right to choose. As long as it's something my mom likes, I have to like it.
For example, I hate drinking porridge very much, but my mother told my father that I like to drink porridge the most, and asked my father to make it for me.
I refused to drink it, and she lost her temper and said I did.
Julie has a quote from her best-selling book, "Make Your Child Grow And Become An Adult": "From the moment you slash at your child, he becomes a victim." Your message to him is: You can't do it, you're not strong enough, you can't solve this problem yourself, you need me to step in to handle it for you. ”
The greater the power of external control and blame, all the power of the child will be used to protect himself.
Psychological experts believe that adolescence is a child's "psychological weaning period".
Psychological weaning refers to the age period from adolescence to early adolescence, which is the transition period of children from naivety to maturity.
In this period, children, with the increase of knowledge and experience, from the very beginning psychologically attached to their parents to personality, psychology have independent intentions.
At this time, their strongest desire is to aspire to independence and be respected and recognized by their parents.
In the documentary "Hello Future Humanity", it records the Chinese "tiger mother" Xiaofei and her son He Jiajin. In the children's intelligence competition program "Genius Children", He Jiajin, who was only 11 years old, won the second place and was praised as a "little genius".
He has excellent memory and mental arithmetic ability.
In the eyes of the teacher, He Jiajin is excellent in all aspects, proficient in violin, piano, rugby, and his academic performance is also particularly good.
Then such excellent children, because of too much pressure in the test, completely collapsed and could not go to school.
British media reports criticized He Mama one-sidedly: harsh and pressured to force children.
Even criticized China's "tiger mother" education, so that the children of the church can not do anything well in the future except to cope with the exam, that is, high scores and low energy.
In the documentary, the child likes to program, but she lets the child learn medicine. The life planning of children is particularly harsh.
A study done by the University of London in the United Kingdom found that people who were too restricted by their parents and interfered with privacy in childhood had poor independence, a strong sense of dependence, and a lower happiness index when they grew up.
True love for children is not about giving more, the better the results.
True love, it does not create shadows on the child, the child wants to escape.
True love is to guide him upwards and become a positive, sunny, healthy, optimistic person.
Don't let your "love" become a shackle to your child's growth
Companionship but not crossing the line is the best education you give your child.
According to the "Circle of Friends Annual Family White Paper", 52% of young people's circle of friends block their parents. In addition, 72% of young people said they would not communicate emotional issues with their parents.
The All-China Women's Federation Chinese Family Culture Research Association has released the "Report on the Expression of Chinese Family Emotions", which points out:
40% of Chinese do not know how to express love. In particular, most Chinese-style families dominated by parents have long suffered from "embarrassment in the expression of family emotions".
As a child, children grow up under the protection of their parents. After puberty, children begin to have a strong sense of independence, and too much discipline and control by parents will cause children's rebellious psychology.
Just like Ying Zi's mother in "Little Joy", she quit her high-paying job for her children and changed her tricks to stew porridge and soup. The child remembers every time the grade is bad, and draws a curve of performance fluctuations for the child.
But her self-righteous, self-righteous, self-righteous, good behavior pushed the child to extremes: "I just want to escape from you!" ”
Just like ziyou's mother in "Little Shed", under the banner of "everything for the child", she chose the best path for her child.
In the book "Leading Behind the Far Back", 12 ways to respond to hinder communication are:
Commands, threats, accusations, preaching, arguing, analyzing, advising, praising, comforting, mocking, questioning, diverting attention, and figuratively calling them "stumbling blocks."
Raising children is not about pinching plasticine and leaving parents to knead them into the way we expect them to be.
Education is not a factory casting, and there is no universal standard production model.
Parents want to be bystanders on their children's growth path, but they are not planners.
The BBC interviewed 2,000 people born around 1946 to explore their mental health at different ages.
It was found that excessive care and control by parents affected children's independence and self-identity.
Psychologists have said: "Educating children needs a kind of strength, to conform to the child's feelings and rhythms, the wrong direction and way of education, the child will knock you away." ”
For adolescent children, they need to be treated as "adults" by their parents, as equals as a friend.
Really advanced parents have learned to do subtraction
I don't know if you have ever heard of the term "new type of filial piety", which refers to: some parents give everything to their children, regardless of paying, not asking for, doing everything, and the result is that the child does not appreciate it, and even feels bored. As a result, parents feel that their children do not understand their own hardships, and even feel that their children have "no conscience" and "do not understand things".
Because parents have suffered hardships, they will be particularly protective of their children, thinking that this will make them take fewer detours, thinking that this is the way they love their children.
As everyone knows, this kind of love also makes children lose their freedom and self. Invisibly "abolishing" the child's own opportunity to make choices for his own life and be responsible, and also makes the child feel that he is not accepted and recognized by his parents, and even produces a lot of frustration and powerlessness.
The parents are still in place, but the children have long since grown.
This is called: the parents know nothing, and the children are in tears. One after the other, contradictions arise.
As Jia Pingwo said in the article "Father and Son": "Fathers want their sons to always be themselves like snakes, but their sons are quite willing to fission like cicadas." ”
In the world, there is no better chance to see yourself clearly than raising children.
The encounter between parents and children is a bond and a separation. They depend on each other, but they are also independent of each other.
Raising children is an exploration of the depths of the heart, and it is worth everyone's continuous exploration and growth on this road.
"The Road Few" says: "True love is not simply giving, but also includes appropriate rejection, timely praise, decent criticism, proper argument, necessary encouragement, gentle comfort, and effective urging." ”
True good parents are not meticulous, not responsive, but with love and wisdom, become the leader of their children's righteous life.
Truly advanced parents have learned to subtract from their children.
(1) Subtract excessive attention
Over-caring parents are known in psychology as "helicopter parents." They seem to be like a helicopter, hovering above the child's head, hoping to firmly pay attention to every tiny detail of the child's life.
They are often overly involved in their children's lives, depriving them of their confidence and ability to explore the outside world.
The prodigy Wei Yongkang is a very typical case:
At the age of 2, he mastered 1,000 Chinese characters, completed junior high school courses at the age of 4, and was admitted to university at the age of 13.
But such a child is a literal "waste" in life, and when he reaches high school, he still needs to be fed by his parents, and he does not have any self-care ability.
In the end, he was ordered to withdraw from the Chinese Academy of Sciences.
Children who are overly concerned, without the protection of their parents, lose their ability to be themselves.
Parents' intention is to protect their children, but if they lose their self and freedom because of excessive concern, it is actually the greatest harm.
In the program "Hard to Say, I Want to Hear", there is also such an example. Every day, the 27-year-old boy was peeked at by his mother in his diary, installed a camera, and secretly tracked.
The mother said that this was protection for the child, but the child was particularly resentful of the mother.
The child's path, let him go by himself.
Even if he falls and gets injured, he has to let him try to experience it for himself. Because they don't let go, the child may never walk.
(2) Subtract excessive interference
In the TV series "Heart Residence", the one that hurts me the most is Ge Yue, a second-generation official girl.
Buying a house and buying furniture are all chosen by parents, and even husbands are chosen by parents.
When we first watch the show, we may think that this is a particularly happy girl.
However, after the father's accident, her husband Gu Xin began to "ignore it". Because from the beginning of marriage, his parents-in-law interfered with marriage matters and life, and he thought that his parents-in-law looked down on him.
Later, for the sake of the family, she was reduced from princess to nanny.
The mother-in-law tried everything to make things difficult and scold, and she not only did not mind, but went to please the mother-in-law.
The husband and the first love are not clear, cheating on other women, and even her pregnancy and maternity examination are not willing to accompany.
But even so, she chose to forgive, and even begged her husband to love herself.
We can see that originally a particularly good girl, but because of the excessive attention and interference of parents in the child's life, the child loses his self-judgment.
Doting is not love, and those children who have no opinion are largely unable to have the future they want.
The road that parents have taken for their children may become a pit for stumbling children in the future.
British psychologist Claire once said: "The real success of parents is to let their children be an independent individual as soon as possible and separate from your life." The sooner this separation, the more successful you will be. ”
Children are independent individuals, parents should respect the child's right to choose, do not interfere too much, arrange the child's life.
(3) Subtract excessive negation
There is a documentary in the British BBC called "Up", which records a child named Neil.
This little friend is super cute, confident and cheerful in life, and dreams of going to Oxford to study and grow up to be an astronaut.
However, due to the failure of the examination, his parents' various unbearable language denials hit him.
He began to become particularly unconfident, and even gave up on himself. I got a job as a porter and later fell ill with mental illness.
There is a "suggestive effect" in psychology, in which people inadvertently accept messages from others and thus react to the information.
Just like Qi Mingyue in "In the Name of Family": obviously a particularly good girl, but she is particularly inferior.
The reason is that no matter what she does, her mother loves to deny hitting her.
For example, if she takes the second place, her mother will criticize her. Buying a dress mom would say she had a bad eye.
The global bestseller "The Original Family" says:
In the young mind of the child, the parents are the center of the whole world.
If parents often say "you are stupid" and "you can't do it", over time, it will make the child feel that he is like this.
In the end, the child really grows into a look that parents hate.
I like a passage said by teacher Chen Ming in "Strange Story":
"The civilization of our time, the best thing that can give children is to give them a garden, to give them nourishment and space. You are free and open, you are flourishing, you are thriving, you are lonely and self-congratulatory, I applaud you! ”
Just like in the movie "The Great Dad", the physically exhausted dad threw out the running rope in his hand and shouted at his son:
"Run, run along the white line, beat yourself."
The same is true on the runway of life, if the parents grasp the running rope and hold on, it will only be each other who fall and are injured.
Only by letting go can children run farther.
About author:Li Early, a working mother after 90. Solar energy maintenance, the moon can be replaced, I only love human fireworks.
New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy) transmits the concept of professional family education, provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and operable methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a habit for families.