01
In the Three Character Classic, it is said: "If you do not teach, the father is at fault; the teaching is not strict, and the teacher is lazy." ”
When an old man complains that his children are not united, his family is not harmonious, and when he is old, he has no one to take care of him, he will seriously reflect on himself, and then he will find his own faults.
In ancient times, there was a robber who was caught in the county court and sentenced to death. The county master asked him, what other wishes do you have?
The robber said he would see his mother again.
Mother and son reunite, holding their heads and crying. Suddenly, the robber bit his mother's ear and said, "Mother, you didn't educate me before, and now it's too late to regret it." ”
It is true that the mother has lost her son and is lonely for the rest of her life; the son hates the mother and cannot change. Such a family is obviously a failure.
It can be seen that in order to eliminate internal friction, a family needs to pay attention to guidance from the time when the children are still young, otherwise they will leave regrets.
02
First, "overflowing with love": doting on useless children is always laborious and unflattering.
Zhuangzi, a scholar during the Warring States period, took his disciples out.
They saw a man with a saw, but ignored a leafy tree next to them.
Zhuangzi asked, "Why don't you want this big tree?" ”
The man with the saw said, "This tree, it's of no use." ”
Everyone took a serious look, and sure enough, the tree grew crooked, and the center of the tree was empty—used to make a boat, it would sink to the bottom; used to make furniture, which would soon rot; used to make doors and windows, the sap was always flowing, and it would be bitten by insects.
Zhuangzi sighed: "This is not a material, and it will last forever." ”
People are not grass and trees, who can be ruthless? As parents, there is no doubt that they love their children. Once he meets a "useless" child, he is even more partial, reluctant to scold, reluctant to hurt a little, and let other children let him.
The useless child is the tree that is leafy on the outside and empty on the inside.
For example, when the family is eating, parents are worried that their useless children will not be able to grab a good meal, so they deliberately leave chicken legs for him to enjoy special treatment. Over time, he became a person who "stretched out his hands and opened his mouth with food", and if anyone did not let him, he would be angry.
There is a message in the "People's Network" that Gao Yanneng, a middle school in Majie No. 1, Luoping County, Qujing City, Yunnan Province, fell from his bungalow when he was a child, causing his right leg to be amputated and walking on crutches.
During the physical education exam, he insisted on participating in the 1,000-meter run and completed many sports such as volleyball and pull-ups. When he jumped across the finish line, the teacher gave him a perfect score, and all the classmates cheered him on.
Every child has the potential to become a great device, but the doting of parents has led to the loss of such potential.
What is useful and what is useless? This is a relative concept, if parents always regard one child as a "weak person", it will lead to the dissatisfaction of other children, and it will also lead to the weaker end.
The love of parents is a force, but the power is used in the wrong place, that is, it is laborious and unflattering. Every child should be told, "You can do it." ”
03
Second, "family imbalance": has always been biased, favoritism, breaking the balance of the family.
We can always see the saying: "Children and daughters are heirs." ”
Whether it is a son or a daughter, they can become the dependence of their parents and can win glory for the family. It is not that the more children the better, but the higher the quality. The truth, everyone understands, but the ancients left the phrase "raising children and preventing old age", which is deeply rooted, so that many parents have the idea of preferring sons to daughters.
There are also some parents who do the opposite, valuing their daughters and ignoring them.
In the countryside, people also have a kind of "latecomers come first" thinking, always distressing the youngest children. Thinking that children are younger, they need to be more caring, and they may be bullied by their older brothers and sisters at any time.
Knowingly, there is such a question: "What do you think of a married daughter whose parents did not leave a room for her?" ”
The questioner described that she was alone at home looking at her mobile phone and suddenly saw a message: her father in her eighties, sandwiching chicken legs for his son to eat. She thought of her parents, who thought that the water spilled by the daughter who married out, even if she returned to her mother's house, that is, to eat a meal and sleep in the living room.
When a daughter gets married, she is not a mother's family, which is really sad.
Many parents, because they favor a certain child, give him the family's money, house, and car, and then refuse to help other children.
Children are "flesh on the palms of their hands", so why should we favor one over the other? Such an approach is actually to provoke the relationship between children and daughters, and it is also to alienate some children. Over time, the psychological balance and the balance of wealth will be broken.
A good family should have a deliberative and respectful voice for its children.
04
Third, "provoking relationships": leaving hatred to children destroys the environment for their development.
The ancients said: "A gentleman takes revenge, ten years is not too late." ”
During the Spring and Autumn Period, Wu Zixu's father, Wu Hao, was slandered and then victimized by King Chuping.
Wu Zixu fled to the State of Wu and worked under Gongzi Guang. Later, Guang became the King of Wu and Wu Zixu became a chancellor; the State of Wu and the State of Chu fought at Baiju, and the State of Chu was greatly defeated. Wu Zixu shot arrows at the royal palace of the Chu kingdom, excavated the tomb of King Chu Ping, and whipped the corpse with a whip.
Sima Qian said: "Resentment is very bad for people." ”
There is a way that it is advisable to solve the knot. Any resentment, if it further worsens and repays the wrongs, will bring endless contradictions.
In real life, between people, there is very little "deep hatred and great hatred, do not share the hatred of heaven", only some trivial things, calculate each other, and no one is willing to bow their heads.
Some parents regard the quarrels of their children when they were young as talking points, and they are eager for chaos in the world; they put the faults of their daughters-in-law and son-in-law on their lips, which makes people very unhappy; they speak out about the contradictions between the family and their neighbors and let their children take revenge; they tell their children about their resentment against their relatives, causing their relatives to turn against them.
Parents often say, "You want revenge." This sentence is the source of internal friction.
05
In the Augmented Sages, it is written: "Whoever is wrong is non-human." ”
When the love of parents is given in the wrong place, words are inappropriate, and their own virtues are not good enough, children will "draw scoops according to the gourd" and leave all right and wrong on their bodies.
Some families have few heirlooms, but they have a lot of "heirlooms". In the days to come, how can we live?
I like this passage very much: "The first step of the road you take is supported by your parents." The first thing you say is from the parents' church. Your first question was answered by your parents..."
It is logical that the first conflict between brothers and sisters is mediated by parents; the parents are at least half responsible for the contradiction between parents and children.
Of course, parents are not saints and will make mistakes, but they must know that mistakes can be corrected. If the family has internal friction, parents should do the following: first, respect the suggestions of their children and learn to communicate with their children; second, try to consider the characteristics of each child and teach according to their aptitude; third, do not leave too much property to their children, and force their children to be independent; fourth, rely on themselves for the elderly, do not rely too much on their children; fifth, deal with the grievances between each generation, handle themselves, and do not involve the younger generations.
There is no love for no reason, and there is no hate for no reason. Love and hate always alternate, especially when parents are old.
If the family is not harmonious, there is a cause and effect long ago, and it must not be known.
Author: Cloth coarse food.
Follow my words and go into your heart.
The illustrations in this article come from the Internet.