Recently, a good friend did a new medical aesthetic project because of work needs, and let me see what is different about her. I couldn't really see it up and down, left, right, left and right. She told me: "I myself am speechless, I made my ears, to make sure that from the front of my ears are exposed to just the right level, it looks small and delicate." ”
We also received a message related to "exquisite" in the background: "KY Jun, I was born in the countryside, my family conditions are ordinary, and I became very inferior after being admitted to college. Because many girls around me are very delicate, they can draw beautiful makeup, dress with matching, and apply masks in the dormitory. They sometimes joke with me that there are no ugly women but only lazy women. And I usually have to go to class, earn living expenses after class, and come back at night to lie down and brush my mobile phone. I also want to be a delicate girl, and I feel that I am not worthy. Sometimes it's annoying to think about these things, what should I do? ”
Seeing such a message, it was a long sigh.
After losing weight, "refinement" seems to become another standard for girls. If you search for "exquisite", you will see content such as "essential good things for exquisite girls" and "101 habits of exquisite life", which set specifications for exquisite life in detail, such as regular maintenance of hair, nail art, clothing, posture, daily breakfast, regular art photos and so on.
Moreover, refinement is also considered to be a serious attitude to life, and what can be achieved through hard work is that girls have higher requirements for themselves and want to become better performers. Exquisite, as if given a certain moral connotation, the girl who does not do so seems to have a sloppy attitude towards herself and life.
Therefore, it is easier to cause inner curls than to float or not to be beautiful. So in today's article, we're going to explore how to look at this quest for sophistication.
Is refinement necessarily bad? Not quite. If a person, who just has enough money and time, likes a "refined" lifestyle, in the process feels the care and concern for himself, not to pursue the outside world's perception of himself - this kind of behavior out of his own needs and preferences, is healthy and positive.
In this process of self-care, we experience the relationship between self and self, which is to affirm our own needs and make efforts to maintain our feelings.
But it's hard to do that. Many people's pursuit of refinement has no needs for themselves, and even harmful to their own needs. Some time ago, I had a wedding, and after two weddings, the first thing I did was: cut off the bridal nails.
Before the wedding, I also pursued a bit of refinement, and under the advice of the service staff, I did a long bridal manicure. As a result, I was irritable during the two weeks of my wedding – my phone and keyboard typing were greatly hindered, resulting in my inefficient handling of work. This is an example of how refinement hinders its own needs.
There are many similar examples. The model friend at the beginning of the article confided in me more than once about this pain:
"Sometimes I feel really tired of being a woman. Medical beauty costs a lot of money, and the process is also very sinful. Daily makeup, makeup removal, daily weight control, whole body skin care, hair care, are all cumbersome, require diligence and self-control. Not to mention, bought a lot of stuff. And it feels more and more troublesome, before only looking at the face is delicate or not, now looking at the ears, neck lines, and even the knees and ankles - it is really inward-rolled. ”
This kind of "exquisite" effort to deviate from one's own needs in order to meet the requirements of society, and to pursue affirmation from consumer society and affirmation from others, can be said to have nothing to do with "loving oneself".
Your delicate life is healthy and no doctor or dietitian will object
The pursuit of refinement doesn't make you feel "need to exert willpower to force yourself to execute."
You don't feel that maintaining this "state of refinement" makes you feel tired and tired
You didn't experience financial crises because of the pursuit of refinement, such as overdrafting credit cards or affecting the original planned deposit
When you don't pursue refinement, you also don't feel anxious or self-critical, thinking that you are "lax" and "not doing well"
The purpose of pursuing refinement is not to change the way someone or someone thinks about you
The pursuit of refinement makes you feel more comfortable than you would without them
The pursuit of refinement did not have a negative impact on the life, study, and work for which you were supposed to be responsible
Your good friends around you don't advise you to be "unnecessary" because you are too much pursuit of refinement.
If none of these 9 of these are met, you need to be wary of whether there is a bad relationship between you and yourself – "self-objectification". Materialization refers to the one-sided viewing of people as the object of "subject" action, rather than people with complete personalities and multiple values. When we personify it, we see it as an object to assess its value, ignoring his thoughts, feelings, and desires.
If you find yourself with an anxiety that you have to be refined, then you need to think about it: Are you looking at yourself the way you look at objects? Want to sculpt yourself the way you sculpt objects? Is it the pursuit of "perfection" similar to objects, rather than the satisfaction of one's own needs as a person?
Once upon a time, women's appearance and body were objectified into objects of beauty and sensuality. In today's new media era, society seems to be turning "refinement" into an obligation that women should fulfill, and wants more women to believe that the acquired "no effort" is a shameful failure than the innate conditions.
As "refinement" further penetrates into all aspects of the way of life, women's lives are gradually materialized - "good life" has a unified, standardized, and absolutely correct template, oppressing women to constantly imitate and abide by behavioral norms.
I don't know if anyone has ever envied boys as much as I do, with little luggage and little ingenuity; girls have to pack a lot of things, and more and more.
The harm to girls in the matter of "having to live exquisitely" is very specific: first of all, the occupation of time and energy. The content of life is rich, and women can choose to spend more time in their own areas of real interest, but because refinement is a criterion that has been praised by society, many women choose to carry this exquisite goal in addition to their original goals: they work, take care of the baby, take care of housework, and pay attention to maintaining their own refinement - really tired and exhausted.
If they focus on work and family care, they may face judgments such as "losing themselves" and "lacking feminine charm". Society's criticism of imperfections tends to put too much pressure on women who choose to focus on what they really want to do. Secondly, it makes it easier for girls to fall into a state of contradiction and feel self-internal friction. Just like the female college student who left us a message at the beginning, in contrast with the people around her, she had an inferiority complex because she did not have the time, money and knowledge to make herself "live exquisitely", and she was distressed by it. The praise and admiration of "exquisite life" evokes doubts about themselves by "not exquisite" women.
"When I was in college, I didn't pay much attention to appearance and dress. After going to work, I found that my colleagues were very careful about these things, and they did look more beautiful and energetic. I set up a 'self-improvement program' to learn makeup, buy clothes, and practice dressing. At first, there was a sense of accomplishment, and it was also exaggerated more and more exquisite, but then there was a feeling of addiction, spending more thought and time every day, and the things I used to like to do were slowly abandoned, and I began to buy very expensive cosmetics and clothes...
Later, when I saw the bill, I woke up, and I seemed to be caught in a paranoid comparison. Now I have been very restrained, but sometimes I see particularly delicate girls on the street, in addition to envy, sour heart, and some self-blame, feeling that they are not good enough, insufficient ability. If I can make more money, I can live a more refined life. --Xiao Le, 26 years old, Internet practitioner.
The good news is that more and more women are beginning to have a kind of bravery and self-determination to "ask others and society to accept themselves" - "I am what I am, you have to accept the real me." ”
In the pursuit of "refinement", there is indeed a part of the effort that may be beneficial to us, such as we learn the knowledge of self-care, and learn from those who can maintain their own physical and mental state very well.
But we don't have to use "exquisite" stereotypes to demand ourselves and put on an inappropriate "condom" for ourselves. Ultimately, the life we advocate and should live is a life that responds to our true needs—we take care of our physical and psychological health, understand our needs for life, and strive to create for ourselves the life that suits us best, that we can best satisfy and be happy for ourselves.
"In the past, I tried to live a popular and exquisite life, leaving work regularly, reading books or watching literary movies every night, putting on beautiful makeup on weekends, going out to visit shops, watching art exhibitions, taking beautiful photos, keeping accounts, sharing life... After sticking with it for a while, I found that I was really tired and my heart was not full.
I still returned to the right state for myself, I spent more time learning professional knowledge and improving my professional skills; cooking, cleaning up the room, and connecting with my family when I was at home on the weekends; when I went out, it was enough to dress up and dress neatly. Feeling that such a life is comfortable and fulfilling, in fact, it can also be a kind of refinement and beauty, which is my own standard. —Oman, 28 years old, practitioner in the field of art
As the interview says, there is not only one definition of exquisite life. The pursuit of "refinement" is often the desire to become a better self. If everyone can listen to their hearts and affirm their true needs, I believe that the better self must not be fixed and single, but pluralistic and rich.
Hopefully, more people will realize that we have the freedom to define ourselves. When we can clarify the value we recognize and start from ourselves, it is easier for us to pursue a life that suits us, and we can also define our own refinement. In this way, we can get rid of the popular standard of refinement, thereby reducing the anxiety and uneasiness caused by contrast, and pursuing our exquisite life in a more relaxed and free state.
Perhaps, some people may say that if you do not meet social standards, you may miss some advantages or be "punished", such as in the choice of mate, it is easy not to be noticed by others. And what I want to say is that in fact, we don't need a lot of people to like us, just a few people to appreciate us, our lovers, our best friends. Find the person who appreciates the real you, and we can achieve true happiness.
Live your own life and pursue values that you recognize. We have the freedom to define our own refinement, to pursue our own beautiful life.