No one knows what to expect when they enter a marriage.
How can they do that? There is no fixed future for anyone, and nothing is guaranteed. Even in a marriage with the strongest foundations in the beginning, someone can cheat, someone may disappear emotionally, someone may experience a mental health challenge... Sometimes people even change in ways they never expected.
Sometimes bad things happen out of your control. We all know that illness, death, and career failure, as well as world events like political upheaval, happen without warning, and we all know it.
You may also be one of the lucky ones, living a relatively easy life and having a simple marriage. You never know, that's the crux of the matter.
Luckily, there are a few things you can be prepared for when it comes to marriage – if you're already married, you can still learn from those things, just like I did.
Understanding these little-discussed aspects of marriage may ultimately save your partnership. After all, at least a few of them saved my marriage.
Here are 6 key things you need to know about marriage – they might help you live together.
1. There is no unconditional love for a spouse.
Phil surprised you, right?
Here's the thing: your spouse isn't your child. Your spouse is your partner, the adult you choose to spend the rest of your life with. You can't guarantee loving that person every day (or monthly, or even every year), and guess what? They don't have to love you either.
All I've heard throughout my life is: "You won't always like your husband, but you'll always love him." So when we're having trouble, I worry about our marriage ending. After all, there isn't much love when we act so badly toward each other. And isn't marriage about unconditional love?
No, he is not your child, and you cannot guarantee each other's unconditional love.
When I realized that unconditional love was not a necessary condition for marriage, I suddenly became enlightened. Maybe we can still be a happy couple, a happy family, even in difficult times when love is no longer flowing. For us, love flows again, stronger than ever.
Bottom line: You have to earn each other's love — even five, ten, forty years.
2. The first two years after having a baby can be the toughest time in your entire relationship.
Don't let this be an example for the rest of your life.
Yes, for people who want to have a family, children are one of the greatest pleasures in life. But even if you want to be parents all your life, things will change when that baggage comes. You may have had years of habits and ways to resolve conflicts, and how to communicate habits. But all this will be disrupted.
People tell you to make sure you put your marriage first – I agree with that (obviously, as long as you also put your child's health and well-being first). But I want you to know that having a new baby can be terrible at times. You can't sleep well, your hormones may be disrupted, you may be "touched", and your whole state of mind may change. But don't – I repeat, no, don't let this tough time become the pattern you see and treat your spouse for the rest of your life.
It's tempting to let resentment grow and stop treating your partner as the one you're madly in love with, but you need to overcome it. Do some personal work to make yourself tolerant. Pay attention to your temper and practice developing your patience.
I know, that's easier said than done. But that's what counselors, elders do (or someone you trust to guide you and give you advice). Ask for help, accept help, get support. Do better and get better.
Bottom line: Don't let hostility be your only way of dealing with others.
3. Your relationship is not always about sex.
Sorry, honey, although you love sex, it's not always as rich as you think. In your lifetime, you may encounter times when your sexual desires are mismatched. I wish I could give you some great advice on how to make a guy want more or less sex, but I didn't.
Your libido is not your partner's problem. But the growing issue of sexuality is your problem.
You need to do everything you can to keep your sex life from disappearing completely for a long time.
When you don't want to have sex, then don't do it, you should do what you can to do what you really want to do, don't give up on yourself.
What if your desire is stronger? You can't be a jerk in this regard, never.
Bottom line: The best thing you can do is appreciate your desire for each other in all its forms and really pay attention to those.
When you are sad or have good news, you crave to hear the voice on the other end of the phone. You want to snuggle up together while watching TV. You want to make them happy by cooking for them or watching their favorite movies or some other way. You long to make them laugh.
You crave the feeling of their skin against your skin in the middle of the night – whether sexual or not. These things are also important, and these things build a life.
4. Doing a lot of good things for your spouse every day will bring real joy to your marriage.
Not gifts, not flowers, not cleaning the room, not having sex. Well, sometimes it is. But it also means calling your spouse "baby" or whatever else makes them smile. It's about telling them how you feel when you feel good.
You can say, "I'm glad I hear you now," or buy them cookies at the store that they like, and say, "I'm so glad they have these at home, and I know you like to eat them."
Bottom line: Happy moments make marriages happier. So, whenever you think about these things, you have to step up and do something small. It's well worth it, I promise.
5. Never be the one who isn't willing to put in the effort or solve problems in your marriage.
Note: Phil doesn't mean that everyone should do everything. In fact, quite the opposite.
Here's a terrible truth: no matter how much one partner wants to solve problems in the marriage, no matter how much treatment or change one partner receives, a broken and broken marriage can't survive without you diving headfirst.
I've seen my friends and family's marriages succeed in tough times, and I've seen their failures. Some had to end.
Most of the time, those things that have to end are one person working very hard and the other person doesn't. Partners who don't make an effort to solve problems sometimes just choose not to do it, but a lot of times, the situation is much more complicated than that.
Maybe they didn't know how to ask for help from a young age, or maybe they weren't really involved in the marriage. Either way, they just gave up.
The even scarier truth is – you need to be patient and sometimes let your wavering partner catch up with you. Give them time to get there on their own. Sometimes you'll do more work, sometimes they'll do more work, but in the long run, it must be quite equal.
Bottom line: You don't want to look back and wonder if you've fulfilled your responsibilities. After all, a canoe cannot move forward if you only paddle on one side.
6. Never argue over who does more: parents at home or parents at work.
Don't do it. Parenthood is a heavy job. If you're a parent at home, or if you're a parent who left home to go to work, it doesn't matter. You may be working desperately in ways your partner can't see. The same is true for him or her.
A marriage therapist once told me and my husband, "Don't even start discussing this." You guys are all working hard, it's not a game, nobody's going to win this game." And we don't argue about it.
You can negotiate housework, you can express dissatisfaction because you feel like you're the only one doing something (if you have an effective solution to the problem). But don't question how hard your partner works.
Bottom line: Thank your partner for the effort, even if you don't see it with your own eyes, say thank you to them.
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