Fromm once said that the essence of love is to give, not to receive.
Falling in love with a person will take the initiative to give, and avoidance is no exception, but the act of giving evasion is backward, and he falls in love with a person who will just get it first and then give it later.
When he takes from others, he gives people the impression of bullying people, and when he avoids liking someone, he will bully him.
He doesn't show liking you by being nice to you, but rather by being bad to you.
Because the characteristic of avoidance is that he cannot face his true inner needs, once he feels that he wants to enter a more intimate relationship, he will immediately avoid it coldly, so we can see that when he deliberately is cold, avoidant, and resistant, it shows that he cares about the other party very much and already has a sense of crisis in entering a deeper intimate relationship.
If you are just an ordinary friend who avoids, you will find him very easy to get along with, and if you want to become a person close to him, you will find that he is not easy to get along with at all, very cold, and cannot see through.
I think that the more I care about a person, the worse it will be for him, alienating him, rejecting him, belittling him, suffering from gain and loss, and duplicity.
Just like there is a kind of little boy who likes the little girl in the front seat, he pulls her braids, kicks her stool, throws caterpillars to scare her, provokes her to cry, you ask the child what is this psychology? He didn't know, he just couldn't express love, and instinctively used some clumsy moves to establish a bond with the person he liked.
With bondage, you can attract the attention of the person you like.
In the early stage, he must be so awkward, only after staying up to avoid you in the back and having a certain sense of security, will he really start to give.
Avoid the performance of falling in love with someone
The avoidant credo of life is, independence.
He demanded this of himself and of his partner.
Usually, he does not take the initiative to contact others, there are few words, and if anyone gets close, he will be lightly dismissed by him. He believes that everyone has their own world, has their own work to be busy, does not like to disturb others, and does not like to be disturbed at the same time.
The same goes for the man he likes. He will keep a certain distance from the other party, appear that he is not so attentive, show his sense of superiority over the relationship, and he emphasizes personal space and independence in love.
At first you may think that he is playing, but believe me, when he says "I am not ready to get married", it is really serious about a relationship, he resists entering a deeper stage of the relationship, if you force him, he will break up with you, the funny thing is that he really loves each other, regrets when he breaks up, and avoidance is so awkward.
In fact, avoidance is a personality with strong empathy, and he adapts well in social life and is kind to strangers.
You let him be an emotional master to enlighten others to say the head is the Tao, to judge others who are reasonable and who are not reasonable than experts, but to the people he likes, he suddenly becomes very selfish.
If he felt that the person might leave him, he would not hesitate to leave first.
A lot of avoidance is like this: I hope that my other half can appear at any time when I need it, don't bother myself when I don't need it, and when the other party needs him, I'm sorry, I don't accompany him, and I solve my own needs.
Extremely double standard, requiring people who like to pay for themselves first, often making some speechless demands, and not reflecting on their own selfishness.
Even avoid associating with people you like unless you are convinced that you are also liked.
Avoidance will imagine the scene and consequences of being rejected by the other party, and when you think that others may not look at him, you dare not confess.
He is very worried about being denied, it is difficult to accept the negative emotions of the other party, as long as he feels that there are some negative situations, he will suppress his own needs, and he will not move so that you can't see if he cares.
When he interacts with people he likes, he behaves particularly uncomfortable, afraid of being frustrated, low self-esteem, and desires the favor of the other party, and his mind will come up with those shortcomings that he usually does not care about, when he likes a person, he especially loves to summarize his own disadvantages, and after summarizing, there will be different degrees of pessimistic conclusions, and he likes others to like special losses.
The emotion of avoidance is cumulative, he starts from liking a person, will unconsciously focus on this person, more and more up.
I once heard a side-off say that when he was with his girlfriend, he didn't feel how much he loved her, and it wasn't until the time of the breakup that he felt as if he was more consciously in love with each other than ever.
Because his feelings were accumulated to the peak on the eve of the breakup, he is not the kind of feeling that will be more and more worn and lighter, but more and more deep and hindsight, a lot of avoidance is lost after the treasure, like the moment does not feel that he must be him, his emotional emotions on a person are increasing step by step, today like you a point, obviously like you two points, silently increase the weight, of course, the performance may still be a lot of childish attention-grabbing behavior, and even suppress your behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Avoidance has a narrative obstacle and will not actively express his true thoughts in his heart, but he will express his kindness to you with practical actions.
Some people think that avoiding love is a very scummy personality type, in fact, to judge whether he is really scumming you, mainly to see if he is silently doing some things, scumbags always say more and do less, but when avoiding true love for a person, they will not be stingy with their own efforts.
His behavior of being good to you and caring for you is actually not difficult to feel, but some of his tentative behaviors may not last so long, if he feels that the other party is resisting and is more cold, he will quickly retract his good behavior towards others and close the door of his heart that he has not been able to open.
If you really understand avoidance, you will know that giving to others is a small step for ordinary people, and it is already a big step for avoidance, although the things he does, such as giving gifts, making you food, etc., seem to be some ordinary things, but for a person who is not good at loving others, this is already a manifestation of loving you.
The means he learned in social life to love a person is like this, and at the same time he is insecure, so he does not dare to promise anything to you, commitment is a very important thing, before he is not sure that he can do it, he cannot make a commitment casually, and he can't even pass the level in his heart.
People who do not express themselves through words will express themselves through behavior, but once the behavior is not accepted, the avoidant act of giving will stop abruptly, he is very unintended in the relationship between men and women, likes to do things silently, and it is easy to give up.
His original growth environment determines how he sees the world and how he treats the world, and the reason for the formation of avoidance is that he was not loved enough and suppressed too much in the environment he grew up in. How his parents treat him, he will learn how to treat the people he likes, from this point of view, avoiding the relationship with his parents is also reflecting his relationship with his partner, simply put, his parents treat him, he will also use it to treat the people he likes.
You don't always judge whether he still loves you, this will definitely give you a lot of unconfidence, because his feedback is not good, he is more often said:
"Can you please leave me alone?"
"Don't you always bother me?"
"Can't you give me some space?"
It is difficult for normal people to experience love from the cold tone, so don't experience it from this, this is completely to find trouble for yourself.
He does not know how to get along better with the person he loves, if you love each other, do not compare with him, but to guide the other party, for example, give him space, give him encouragement, give him a sense of identity, it is best to encourage avoid socializing with others, and further open the door of their hearts.
I know that avoidant partners are usually a little anxious, always want to prove that the other party really loves themselves, look around to find clues that he loves you, once his performance is not good enough, you feel that he does not love, do not do this, we must allow each other to have some personality defects in love, since the choice is to firmly give trust, even if the final did not get the desired white head with the old, in the end there will be gains, the most taboo to get along with people is to suffer from loss and loss, not only can not maintain feelings, and finally they have not grown, It will even go backwards, lose yourself, and no matter how much you love others, you must first love yourself more.
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C