Today I received an evasive request for help, he said: "Am I a terrible person?" ”
Yes, it's really bad, but it's all about you in the eyes of others.
I have also been in endless confusion, casually searching on the Internet, most of the remarks are bashing and avoidance, I can never handle intimate relationships, every relationship ended without a problem, and once became a scumbag in the mouth of a friend.
As a result, I learned a lot about avoidance and thought of a lot of ways to get out, so I have a lot of experience to share with you.
First of all, the point of view is in front, the avoidant type has a strong order in the heart, I think if others don't like me, I don't bother to talk more nonsense with people who don't understand me, I just want to stay in my own world, self-reconciliation.
But I couldn't resist my desire for intimacy, and every time I met with anticipation, the results were disappointing, my parents would keep beating me down, saying I wasn't good enough anywhere, and my partner would keep asking me and thinking I was blind to her needs.
That's why I start by saying that avoidant badness is never self-identified, but forced by others.
I have liked to be alone since I was a child, always making people guess, but because of my own efforts and strong ability, there are many friends around me, and their evaluation of me is: independent, stable, mysterious.
So I don't think I have anything to be inferior to, but if you say I'm a confident person, I'll laugh at myself sarcastically.
Since I was a child, I have been accustomed to hearing all kinds of dissatisfaction from my parents, I participated in the essay contest and won the second prize, and when I happily returned with the award certificate, my parents asked me: "Why can others take the first place, but you can only take the second?" ”
I wanted to make a small toy of the same type, and I made trouble at home for several days, but my father not only did not compromise, but instead picked me up and beat me up, saying that I wanted everything when I saw it, and I was annoyed at home.
I believe that all the avoidant types have similar experiences as me, when we were too young to know how to distinguish between right and wrong, and never questioned our parents' opinions, resulting in the belief that "I am not good enough, I am not worthy" that has been accompanied until I grew up.
And this situation has become more serious when I grew up, such as when I graduated from college, I joined a cycling association, accidentally broke my leg, and did not tell my parents until I recovered from my injury.
Because I don't express an anxious attachment that will cause people to love, I can generously tell my parents that I need to be cared for at this moment, and I would rather carry it myself than retain the last dignity.
I didn't want to hear my parents scolding me, and I didn't want to accept my parents tossing and turning back and forth. I was afraid of causing trouble to others and making others think I was a waste, even my parents.
It wasn't until I slowly learned about my personality traits that I really realized that I had a big bias in my perception of myself, not because I was really bad, but because someone kept teaching me that "you are not good enough."
There is a saying in psychology that everyone has a child living inside, and this child is the need that has been backlogged for many years.
I'm afraid of being hit, being denied, being criticized, so I can only keep proving: "I have value!" I'm obedient! I don't need to be taken care of and cared for by you! ”
I used to think that this was the way to self-reconciliation, but after so many years of experience, I found that I tortured myself badly, and kept lying to myself that it was enough to be strong, and no one needed it.
But in fact, after suppressing for too long, the desire in my heart is more, I want to repeatedly show that I am strong, if I find that I am not capable enough, I will begin to doubt the meaning of my existence, feel that everything is terrible.
If it is a relationship, but any normal person can't stand the avoidant type.
Because I like the kind of partner who doesn't depend on me, keeps the right distance, can take care of himself, you just have to stay in a place not far away to guard me.
I know it's selfish to say this, but I also explicitly ask myself not to interfere too much in the other person's life, and to try to ensure respect and freedom for her.
In the beginning, everything is fine, some girls will be attracted to my high cold and calm, but also after contact with my thoughtfulness, but after a long time, her evaluation will become: "You are a stone that is not hot, as long as others want to get close to you, you will keep saying: 'Stay away from me'." ”
I was also very upset myself, because that wasn't my intention.
I knew I liked her and was very eager for intimacy, and even wished she could always be with me, but I couldn't say it, and as soon as I got to the bone, I ran.
To be precise, the bad thing about avoidance is that there is love but no ability to love.
Because no one has ever given me too much love, I can't protect myself, let alone talk about giving.
When you need me to be able to accompany you all the time, I will be more inclined to be alone;
I feel overwhelmed when you want me to be able to give a commitment and take the relationship one step closer;
When you ask me to take care of your emotions and constantly soothe you, it is difficult for me to empathize with your thoughts, preferring that you be quiet on your own.
So I also want to tell you today bluntly, if you feel that this behavior is a scumbag, then you can choose to give up, if you can't accept the other party's avoidance behavior, you can also choose to find a new love.
Because this is a habit that the avoidant type has developed for many years, he is like a dumb man, who can see your emotions but does not know how to respond to your emotions, because he has been supported by himself since he was a child.
The biggest misconception that many people have about avoidance also comes from here, you think we are cold and heartless, selfish ghosts, completely do not consider your feelings, but in fact we are smarter than anyone, but so what?
I can't be a good person who comforts you, and I can't accept that I am a cold bad person, and I can only suspect that I am not suitable for intimate relationships, not suitable for love, because everyone who leaves will blame me.
The avoidant type seems to be strong and does not care about the outside world at all, but in fact, I am particularly sensitive, I am sensitive to praise, I am sensitive to criticism.
So now many avoidant types will also go to the Internet to check the information of self-healing, and hope that they can get out, but everyone is telling me: the avoidant type is really bad!
My own cognition has become very confused, and while I feel that others do not understand me enough, I will wonder if I am really bad.
Therefore, when the whole person encounters intimate relationships, it will become very awkward, and when others are good to you, they will subconsciously want to run away, afraid of others asking for returns, and feel that this is a burden.
In fact, the best way to solve it is: [break the habit of avoidance].
If you can take a good look at your own heart, you will find that all your pain comes from, lack of autonomy.
Because the childhood memory is too vivid, you have been an obedient child since you were a child according to the requirements of your parents, you do not have the courage to express your needs, nor do you have the interest in exploring the outside world, because everyone is telling you that even if you tell the truth, no one will listen to your ideas, so you have come to the conclusion: "Anyway, you will only be hurt in vain, then it is better not to do it in the first place."
And I found that most of the cured avoidance types are to face up to the problems that they are accustomed to avoiding, and have the courage to talk to each other about the details, so that the innate attachment patterns become more stable.
That is to say, if you want to come out on your own, don't simply act of avoidance and not speak out what you think, because you still don't dare to face the part of yourself that you are afraid of.
For example, you are now in conflict with others, the other party excitedly blames you, you listen to the first two big, just want to turn around and run, then from now on, you need to show your attitude in detail, whether it is anger, dissatisfaction, grievances can be boldly said, try to do a review with the other party.
Because only by constantly repeating the patterns you hate, finding positive meaning in them, and changing the mindset you have formed over the years is the key to healing.
This is also the famous exposure therapy in psychology, when you can continue to face the situation you are least good at, gradually you will change from "painful, overwhelmed" to "it seems that it is not a big deal".
Because avoidance is never wrong, but you can't let the people around you naturally accept it, and you are trapped by huge pressure, this distorted cognition leads to a fierce conflict in the inner world.
The fundamental change of the problem is to first straighten out the distorted human nature.
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C