There is a kind of person who is very cold in love, and that is the avoidant attachment personality that I want to talk about in this issue today.
Is your partner such a person?
He's self-centered, minimalist, feels good about himself, hot and cold about you, doesn't trust you, doesn't care.
When they meet someone they like, they will take the initiative, and when the other person starts to like him, they will flee immediately, and so on, looking like a sea king.
In fact, they are afraid that the intimacy with their partner will make them dependent on others and then hurt, probably because of this experience in childhood.
And avoid liking self-isolation, rarely expressing real needs to each other, preferring that the other party be self-explanatory and then take the initiative to give. Their avoidance is motivated by distrust, and it doesn't mean they really don't need love.
Avoidance also has some thoughts like: "I don't need anyone, I don't need to be loved, I can do it myself"
I know that as an avoidant partner, you often feel that you can't do anything with this kind of person, and then you will self-doubt and don't know what to do, so I want to give you some advice.
It is recommended to say before that many people say that what is most needed for avoidance is space, although giving each other space can alleviate their attachment avoidance in the short term, but in the long run, it makes them feel that avoidance is useful.
They may be more accustomed to using indifference to protect themselves from harm, thus exacerbating avoidance.
So this approach is not a long-term solution, avoiding the deep fear of being controlled, invaded, engulfed, as a partner, you need to let them understand that everyone has a need, this need should not be completely borne by themselves.
You have to let avoidance know that you can be each other's backing, share some things, love is not unrequited love, here are some specific ways to get along:
Your motivation for inviting or communicating is to express feelings of liking, appreciating, adoring, and being close, rather than controlling, blaming, transgressing possession, and so on.
If you want to cling to the other party because you are afraid of being abandoned, it will bring greater contradictions, because the other party's withdrawal will make you fall into self-denial and anxiety, and your entanglement will make him more panicked and want to escape. So you have to learn to discern your needs and not be controlled by anxiety.
You may have tried to open up to the other person many times without responding, and the other person's high coldness is because you have been hurt in the past and are afraid of experiencing the pain of communication setbacks again.
Trust is a powerful antidote to avoidance, so support him when he needs you, and don't easily accuse him of not talking to you. Blaming can make them feel that their self-esteem is under threat, leading to a more serious defense.
For example, if he has physical contact with you, talks to you about recent troubles, or meets you with friends, he must give you affirmation in time to let them know that these subtle moments have brought you touch and happiness. But when the other person is unwilling, please do not force him to make changes.
Only he has the ability to come out, and the behavior you try to control will intensify the contradiction, and the other party's stubborn thoughts will not compromise. It is better to treat avoidance as a normal person, give enough tolerance and understanding, and it is entirely possible for such people to transform into a safe type.
Avoidance requires a mature lover, not a child who depends on others.
Children face problems with emotions, and mature adults communicate rationally. If there is an unavoidable quarrel, try to restrain your emotions, don't be reasonable all the time, the other party is mostly unable to listen, and it will be more avoidant, you have to learn to find a communication method that the other party can accept.
In addition, as an avoidant lover, you must have your own area of life, what does it mean, that is, you can live happily without this person, and do not lose yourself for others at any time.
You are not his person in charge, no matter whose partner must first live himself well, in order to attract others, so you must be happy yourself, understand?
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C