How to talk about a relationship without breaking up?

Whenever a relationship begins, people want the love to last a long time and don't want it to end with a breakup, but some loves don't go as usual. So, how do you maintain a long-lasting relationship? And how to talk about a relationship without breaking up? The reporter of China Youth Network interviewed Jia Tao, associate professor of Anqing Normal University, director of the Mental Health Education and Service Center for College Students, and national second-level psychological counselor, to support young people.

Need to ask yourself 4 questions

Jia Tao believes that when it comes to talking about how to talk about a love without breaking up, you need to ask yourself four questions. First of all, why are you in love? Based on years of experience in love counseling, she concluded: If it is to relieve loneliness, loneliness, or hope to get attention and recognition, or lack of parental love transfer, or think that it is not normal to fall in love in the fourth year, or group pressure to conform to the herd mentality, it is best not to be too anxious. "The issue of love is one of the most important issues in youth, and for ridiculous reasons, there will be hidden dangers and dangers."

Second, has your personality matured? Jia Tao said that love is a kind of interpersonal relationship, the closest interpersonal relationship. Love, is the personality state in the face of another personality state, the success of love, related to the personality state, excessive self-centeredness, do not consider the feelings of others, vanity, inner insecurity are the enemy of healthy personality. Mature personality development into love will be smooth, because mature people understand their own feelings and understand the feelings of others, mature personalities can confidently grasp the ship of love.

Again, do you have a love myth? "Love is all I have!" Love can change everything! "You love me, you should give me everything!" "True love is only once!" "As soon as you see each other's shortcomings, love disappears!" "Conflict in love is a bad thing!" The above are typical love misunderstandings.

Finally, have you considered the factors related to love? Jia Tao said that love and learning, love and family, love and material foundation, love and sexual relations, love and marriage, love and children, love and friendship, these will challenge both parties in the process of love, only by handling it well will there be a better relationship.

It is necessary to have 6 kinds of love abilities

Jia Tao said that the ability to love refers to the ability to establish intimate relationships with others. Having the ability to love will lead a person to truly love others, but also to truly love themselves, and to truly experience the joy and happiness that love brings to people. The ability to love is not equal to the number of times to fall in love, and the ability to love determines the quality of a person's love and the happiness of the person in love.

A person with a strong ability to love, can express his emotions well, can properly accept the emotions of others, and is good at dealing with problems in love. At the same time, when encountering setbacks in love, do not give up on yourself or complain about others, but are strong and optimistic to maintain a heart that loves life and loves the world. She believes that men and women in love need to have 6 kinds of love abilities.

One is the ability to express love: are you a master of expressive love? Do you want to express your love? Do you have enough courage and information to express your love? Can you express your love for him or her in the right way and in words? Do you feel happy when you express love?

The second is the ability to receive love: do you have the perception of love? Is your love sudden? Are you happy to be loved? Have you received a signal of love?

The third is the ability to reject love: would you say "no"? Do you love or avoid love altogether? Are you decisive enough when you refuse love? Are you wise enough to reject love?

The fourth is the ability to identify love: do you have a pair of golden eyes of love? Does love need to be identified? Have you thought about this question in the process of harvesting love? Does the hurt you suffer in love have anything to do with your ability to discern?

The fifth is the ability to resolve the conflict of love: are you a love intelligence master? What kind of conflict do you feel in your love? What are your ways to resolve conflicts? Do you respect your lover in conflict? After the conflict, did your relationship increase or did it become indifferent?

The sixth is the ability to keep love for a long time: are you a long-distance runner of love? Are you giving or receiving in love? Have you injected new strength into love? When will you quit the love run?

4 kinds of love are required

Psychologist Fromm said that love is an ability and an art. Jia Tao believes that only by mastering the art of love and having the ability to love will we face and deal with love correctly.

First, there is a need to have the art of choice of love. Understand your own mate selection criteria and understand what kind of choices can ensure the harmonious development of love. The criteria for mate selection will change as young people grow. Psychologists have investigated a large number of happy families and concluded that love harmony requires at least the following three guarantees: mutual understanding, matching status and background, and similar temperament type. In order to maintain a long-term relationship and reduce the adverse impact of love on your own mental health, it is necessary to choose a lover who matches your psychological characteristics.

Second, there is a need to have the art of expression of love. Love should be expressed just right, the most important thing is to accurately grasp the personality characteristics and psychological state of the other party, and according to their own characteristics, choose the best time to express, place of expression and appropriate way of expression. Choose when the other party and yourself are in a good mood, the relationship between the two sides is harmonious, the mood is relaxed and happy; a place where you can talk privately and will not cause psychological tension and discomfort to the other party and yourself; choose the expression that you are best at and the other party is most receptive to. It can be expressed through face-to-face language, letter expression, telephone expression, SMS expression, online chat expression, souvenir expression, etc.

Third, it is necessary to have the art of dealing with love entanglement. Young people will encounter a lot of trouble in the process of falling in love, such as the people they love do not love themselves, the people who love themselves do not love, and they often quarrel with people who love and love themselves.

What should I do if there is a quarrel and entanglement in a long-term relationship? Jia Tao believes that we must learn to quarrel. Regarding quarrels, people often have two misunderstandings in their understanding, one is that quarrels are not good, thinking that quarrels mean that feelings are not good, so everything is swallowed and suppressed, and over time not only failed to save love, but gradually made feelings fade; the other is that quarrels are nothing, and people who think that straightforward and true people should show all their emotions, so they act arbitrarily, do not choose words, and the result hurts others and hurts themselves.

"Therefore, when learning to argue, you should understand that it is normal to quarrel, and there are also skills in arguing." She suggested that first of all, we must learn to listen and let the other party fully express their thoughts; second, we must learn to express our own thoughts, not just vent our emotions; again, we must objectively evaluate the words and deeds and thoughts of both sides; and finally we must learn to take the initiative to compromise, and after some argument, the two sides should propose feasible solutions.

Finally, the sublimation art of love is required. Love is one of the most beautiful and holy feelings of mankind. It takes lifelong common life as the purpose, takes sexual physiological and psychological maturity as the premise, takes the two sexes pleasing to each other, the heart and heart, the cause and life understand each other, support each other, inspire each other, supervise each other, care for each other, and share weal and woe as the main content, with the characteristics of specificity, persistence and responsibility.

In addition, Jia Tao believes that love is a very important part of people's lives, but love is not the whole content of life. Love without career and work support is like a building without a cornerstone. Rational treatment of learning and love, so that love and learning to help each other, love will be long-lasting, will bloom beautiful flowers, fruitful results.

She suggested that young men and women should not mistake friendship for love, and still establish a wide range of friendships after falling in love, so as to help learn from each other and cultivate a good spirit of cooperation and a sense of competition.

"For the psychological deviations that appear in love, such as inferiority psychology, suspicion psychology, jealous psychology, control psychology, retaliation psychology, etc., we must learn to debug, cultivate our own healthy personality, and constantly improve ourselves in the process of love." Jia Tao said.

Source: Qing Xiaoxiao (ID: zqwqxx) reporter Li Huaxi

Editor-in-charge: Jiang Yujun

Review: Wang Longlong

Review: Wang Cenyu

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