No matter how affectionate the family, with children, all the hidden problems will suddenly jump in front of you with teeth and claws.
"Dear Child" has extremely realistic pictures, before giving birth, Xiao Lu will buy supper, cover blankets, massage, and talk for Yinuo, and most of the details of the interaction between the two are warm and moving.
After giving birth to a child, love took a sharp turn, Yinuo got up to feed the milk and was thirsty, Xiao Lu saw sleep as if he were home, and he couldn't wake up.
After that, the bed was divided into beds, the wife was bitter, the children were sick and could not call, the mother-in-law quarreled and the mud, cheated on the little three to the door, and the property was torn apart.
All the B-sides of life are condensed in the first year after childbirth.
The book "Let the Child's Brain Be Free" says that the relationship between husband and wife reaches its peak in the last three months of pregnancy, and then it declines all the way, and most couples drop their marital satisfaction by 40%-67% after giving birth to their first child, and this downward trend will continue for 15 years until the child grows up and leaves the family.
Thinking about it is extremely frightening, fortunately, it is not 100%.
The book says that there are still 33% of couples who do not have this experience, but love each other more because of the arrival of their children.
How did those people do it?
Combined with my own experience, based on "Dear Child" as a basis for reflection, with the blessing of the author's point of view of "Happy Marriage", I have 6 small notes I want to write to you, maybe to avoid some robbery and step on a few pits.
1. You have to give him to suffer for you
After the first year of giving birth, the friend offered to sleep in a separate bed with her husband, in order not to disturb his rest.
It is really clear that the righteousness is clear, but the husband will not repay the spring.
Yinuo sat alone on the edge of the bed with his child in his arms and cried, the helplessness of fighting alone, he would remember his revenge for a lifetime, and in the days to come, he would take out whips and regurgitate in his heart from time to time.
Feeding alone in the middle of the night, getting milk, changing diapers, and walking around the room with your crying child in your arms can make you mentally unbalanced, with resentment, disgust, and self-pity.
In the first three years, my mother seemed to have lost a layer of skin, but my father was a light boat that had passed the ease of ten thousand heavy mountains, by what.
"Happy Marriage" says that the difference between a happy mother and an unhappy mother is not whether the child has abdominal pain, whether he sleeps well, whether it is breast milk or milk powder, but whether the husband and wife are the same frequency when the parents change their identity.
One year after childbirth, if the husband and you do not have a common experience, there will be a distance between the two people, and it is always felt that having children is your own business.
In my own case, even during confinement, the child's father would lie next to me, I would breastfeed and pump, he would be responsible for washing the bottle, the child would cry, and we would take turns holding it.
You have to step into new areas together in order to grow together.
Whether it is with children or other things, you must be willing to let him suffer for you, and you will be sad, because understanding will be compassionate, and "understanding" must be cultivated with common experience.
2. Husbands and wives should show affection to each other
Couples with feelings and beauty know how to "exchange value", which is mainly reflected in mutual overtures.
After Yinuo and Xiao Lu had children, they blamed each other more than they showed favor to each other, and when the proportion was unbalanced, there would be problems.
Overtures are not only verbal, but also deeds, with a smile in return for a smile, with a kiss in return for a kiss, when one person voluntarily sweeps the floor, the other will also intentionally reciprocate with washing dishes.
In O Henry's short story "Maggie's Gift", Jim sold his gold watch to buy a comb "made of pure tortoiseshell with jewelry on the side" for Della, and Della sold his long hair to buy Jim a white gold bracelet.
Although the last gift was useless, the feelings were sublimated.
"Overtures to each other" seems to me to be the performance art of love, not just praised in words, but expressed in action.
3. Love map, very useful
Xiao Lu, who only returned home in the middle of the night, did not understand that Fang Yinuo, who was anxious every day with a baby, was helpless.
And Yinuo did not know that Xiao Lu was desperately trying to make money and accompany the wine in order to give his mother and daughter a better life, and the workload was three times that of the previous one.
There are too many trivial and urgent things in life that take precedence over getting to know each other.
"Happy Marriage" says that to understand each other, couples should build a love map between them.
The love map, the place in your brain where information about your spouse's life is stored, is the area full of your life chores.
You should get used to constantly updating each other's life trivia and paying attention to each other's feelings and thoughts.
My husband lost his temper with the child some time ago, which did not match his usual gentle personality, observed him for two days, found that he came home with less smile, under my interrogation, I knew that his department had recently been transferred, capable colleagues were transferred, and he had to bear several pressures alone.
Men are less likely to express feelings, maybe he has a huge wave inside him, but you don't know anything.
You can become a journalist and interview each other and design questions that you want to know, such as what pressures do you have at the moment, what worries you have, and what expectations you have for the future.
You can also give the other party a question, let him answer, give him a score, the direction of the question, can be about your preferences, the following table to give you a reference.
You can also let each other know each other by writing confessions, like a diary.
Marriage counselors say there's an easy way to maintain a marriage by asking regularly how you've been doing lately.
Many people ask a question, and the truth will come out.
4. On the issue of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, we must be on the side of the wife
At the center of the whirlpool of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law contradictions is the man.
In "Dear Child", Yinuo and his mother-in-law have a conflict, Xiao Lu is the person who is with the mud, he can't stand on either side, because any favoritism will offend the other person.
In Happy Marriage, it is said that the only way out of the mother-in-law's predicament is for the husband to join his wife against his mother, although it may sound a little harsh.
Men need to remember that they and their wives are in the same camp, and one of the basic tasks of marriage is to build a sense of "us" between the husband and wife.
The husband must let his mother know that the wife is in the first place, that his house is his house with his wife, not his mother's house, that he is a woman's husband first and a woman's son second.
On the issue of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, men cannot remain neutral, they must be on the side of their wives, and they must ask their parents to respect your family values and way of life.
There can only be one hostess in a family, and the mother-in-law can only be an outsider.
Thinking about this, I, who am going to be a mother-in-law in the future, is a little chilly, but there is no denying that it should be so.
5. Have a "like and praise" system
Marriages that will not be respected and praised reveal fading traces.
When Yinuo was anxious because of maternity spots, stretch marks, and body shape, Xiao Lu did not have comfort and praise, even if there were a few false exaggerations, such as the most beautiful pregnant woman, it would make people feel different.
"Happy Marriage" says that if both husband and wife retain some of the most basic feelings, feeling that the other person deserves respect, admiration or even love, the marriage can be stable.
Maintaining the feeling of "love" will allow you to look back at the good memories of the past when you encounter setbacks, which can stimulate positive feelings.
When bad things strike, if you still have a positive view of your spouse and marriage, it will have a buffer effect on your marriage.
6. Let the wife have the final say in the marriage, more happy
A friend said that if her husband had listened to him, the family's life would have been more prosperous.
In Happy Marriages, it is said that in the long run, the happiest and most stable marriages are those in which husbands respect their wives, do not oppose the sharing of power, and make decisions with their wives.
When couples have conflicting views, don't use criticism, contempt, defense, and cold war to solve the problem.
For example, my wife said, you don't listen to me. Husbands ignore their wives' words (Cold War), I listen (defend myself), and I don't listen because you're talking nonsense (criticism) or why I wasted my time (contempt).
According to this standard, in "Dear Child", Yinuo and Lu Xiao have many scenes of this.
If you don't listen to your wife, you will suffer losses in front of you.
According to research and analysis, marriages that are reluctant to share power with their wives will end sooner or later, and they are 4 times more likely to be unhappy than those who are willing to share.
An enlightened attitude that a husband is willing to listen to can strengthen his friendship with his wife and give her hope.
7. Financial issues should be handled jointly by husband and wife
The husband of a friend disregarded the family's financial situation and invested in the second suite, as a result of the epidemic, the income decreased, and the mortgage pressure every month almost cost most of the couple's income, not only the living standard declined, but there may be a greater crisis in the future.
There is no agreement on financial issues, or someone who insists on going his own way and plunging the family into a financial crisis, a grudge that will be remembered for a lifetime.
In "Dear Child", the climax of the final divorce quarrel between Yinuo and Xiao Lu is also about money, the parents of both sides have different standards of holiday fees, the other brother borrows money and does not repay, these problems do not ask when the feelings are good, and when they are not good, they will become the final straw.
Try to make money, and when you work together, think together about how to manage your money and make sure you agree.
At the same time, a sober budget is necessary.
Make a list of your recent expenses, manage your daily expenses, plan for your future finances, list your long-term financial goals, and take into account what you want most and fear most.
Stable finances, able to lay the foundation for the stability of feelings.
Marriage is not easy, maintain feelings, but also have strategies and means.
The above, I hope to help you luckily avoid the naked real anxiety in "Dear Child" and successfully survive the next 7 years of itch or more multiples of 7.
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