See a sentence on the Internet:
Some marriages are like oranges, peeling off which petal is sweet;
Some marriages are like coconuts, and there is not much sweetness in the original big shell.
Perhaps, everyone who yearns for love has had fantasies about marriage, fantasizing that it is sweet and happy.
But only after actually entering the marriage did you find out:
Not everyone can live happily in the besieged city of marriage, and some partners are more and more unhappy.
In their marriage, they spent each other's years, feeling exhausted, but facing reality and having nothing to do.
And this mutual friction is often the fastest way to ruin a marriage.
Before we get started with this question, let's look at a story:
A marriage show, a couple who have been married for 40 years.
At the beginning of the show, the wife constantly blamed her husband and told her hard work and grievances in the marriage.
In her eyes, her husband is a lazy person who only knows how to eat with his mouth open, and he does not do any work or do anything.
And she not only has to do housework, take care of children, support the elderly, but also worry about various chores.
Every day I was too busy to touch the ground, but I didn't fall well, but it was my husband's complaints and counts, and I felt really tired.
On the other hand, the husband is also particularly aggrieved.
He said that although he did not earn much, he would turn in his salary every month, and he never hid a little private money, all of which was placed in her place.
Regarding the housework, he also tried to do it, but his wife was always on the sidelines, saying that he could not do this well, that he could not do it well, and slowly, he would not do it.
The two of them are in the show, you say a word to me, quarreled.
And this is also the norm in their marriage.
Heard a quote:
Husband and wife are not dressed and eaten, having children, but nourishing each other, achieving each other, and raising the level of life.
Internally consumed marriages are different, there is no nourishment for each other, some are just consuming each other, blaming each other, and complaining to each other.
Such a relationship is a disaster for both sides.
Internal friction marriage, in essence, is a long and protracted war of psychological attrition, which is more from the incomprehension of both partners.
Or that the partners stand in their own perspectives, only seeing their own grievances, but not seeing the efforts of others.
When your eyes are focused only on yourself, you will be dissatisfied, angry, and complaining, and your emotional transformation process is not known to the other party.
Thus, there are contradictions, quarrels, and marriages become precarious.
This problem can be analyzed in two aspects.
One is long-term internal friction, the root cause of internal friction can not be solved, both husband and wife or one party is tired in this relationship, has no intention of maintaining and saving the marriage;
One is short-term consumption, internal friction is caused by a specific matter, although there have been fierce quarrels, but there is still love between the two sides.
Some time ago, the hit drama "The World of Man", the love story of Zhou Rong and Zhou Bingyi, left a deep impression.
And their marriage ended, one ended in infidelity, one reconciled, why is this?
Let's first look at the marriage of Zhou Rong and Feng Huacheng:
There were frequent quarrels between them, mostly over the division of the house.
Image source: TV series "The World"
In Zhou Rong's view, the unit was not assigned a house because Feng Huacheng had no ability, "even a 12-square-meter house could not get it." ”
And Feng Hua became qualified enough to divide the house, and was assigned to the house as soon as possible, and did not hesitate to pull down his face to give gifts to the judges and let his poems win the award.
But in Zhou Rong's eyes, it was Feng Huacheng who was reducing his self-worth, and the two had a big fight because of this matter.
Feng Huacheng accused Zhou Rong of being self-centered and never putting others in his heart;
Zhou Rong said that Feng Huacheng did not come out, had no ability, and became vulgar.
Under the long quarrel and accusation, both felt very tired.
Some people say that good intimacy should nourish energy, not overexpend energy.
Everyone, the energy in the body is constant.
If a relationship can no longer bring you new energy, it is only consuming your life and emotions.
Such a marriage, the probability is not far.
Because it can no longer make us feel happy and happy, only endless pain and despair.
You know, a good marriage must be anti-internal friction.
And what we have to do is to love someone who motivates you, not someone who exhausts you.
In "The World of Man", the marriage crisis between Zhou Bingyi and Hao Dongmei occurred after Hao Dongmei reported her resignation to the hospital.
Because he has been gathering less and leaving more, coupled with Zhou Bingyi's health is not very good, Hao Dongmei hopes to go to Beijing to take care of him.
So, I asked the hospital to leave.
But unexpectedly, Hao Dongmei had just finished handing over the work, and Zhou Bingyi was transferred back from Beijing.
In this way, although Hao Dongmei did not have to go to Beijing, the job of obstetrics and gynecology director was lost.
After Zhou Bingyi knew, he rebuked her:
You're also too reckless, why don't you discuss it with me.
This is a lesson, and there is room for doing things.
Perhaps it was because he had suffered too many grievances over the years, and this time he didn't want to endure it anymore, Hao Dongmei fought back and said:
Do you leave me room to do things? You don't.
Because this home is centered on you, everything I do must revolve around you.
So when you make any decision, think only about yourself, because you've long been used to this lifestyle.
The two people were like this, arguing more and more fiercely, and finally even filed for divorce.
It can be seen that in the days of gathering less and leaving more, Hao Dongmei has swallowed too many grievances alone, and has also paid a lot for this marriage.
But she never mentioned it to Zhou Bingyi, nor did she communicate in time, but put this grievance and resentment in her heart.
When the grievances in his heart could not be relieved, he took advantage of something and completely released it.
However, although Hao Dongmei has complaints, accusations, and dissatisfaction with Zhou Bingyi, she is still in love with this person.
Otherwise, after learning that Zhou Bingyi was ill, he would not have reconciled with him and accompanied him for the rest of his life.
Marriage expert Wenger Jolly wrote in the book:
Even in the best marriages, there will be 200 thoughts of divorce in a lifetime, and 50 urges to strangle each other.
No one in this world has a marriage that is completely problem-free.
Even couples who seem particularly loving to outsiders will have contradictions and disputes, accusations and denials.
You will find that this emotional intriguation exists in almost every marriage, whether it is good or not.
And what I want to say is:
When there is a time in the marriage, do not rush to deny, to change someone, but to give the marriage a repair process.
The premise is that the person is worth it.
I like a quote:
Deciding to marry someone requires only a moment of courage; guarding a marriage requires a lifetime of dedication.
Because, from the very beginning, love is a romantic thing, and marriage is a solemn thing.
Yes, marriage is different from love, marriage is sacred, it is solemn, it needs to be guarded with the heart.
4 Tips to Cure Internal Friction in Marriage:
1. Being seen is the first step to healing.
The internal friction in marriage comes from the incomprehension of both partners.
Therefore, we need to let the other party see our efforts and understand the real needs of our hearts.
When your efforts are no longer ignored, when your needs are positively feedback, the internal friction in the marriage will also be reduced, and the road to marriage will become smooth and comfortable.
2. Manage emotions, not catharsis.
A good marriage requires emotional value, but it does not mean that both partners cannot have negative emotions.
When negative emotions arise, what we have to do is to manage the emotions in time, rather than venting to the other party in one brain.
Because your negative emotions can only hurt the people you love the most, the more you hurt, the colder your heart will be.
3. Confront the conflict and work to resolve it.
Two people in a marriage will inevitably have conflicts and contradictions.
But conflicts are only superficial, and the causes of conflicts are the root causes that need to be addressed.
If conflict is the externalization of unmet needs, then conflict resolution is the presentation of timely communication and efforts to repair marriages.
4. Losing the desire to share is the beginning of the break.
There are too many marriages that do not make it to the end and are defeated by nothing to say.
Marriage needs some lubricant, such as talking nonsense, ritualism, etc.
But the premise of being able to talk nonsense is that you are listening.
Therefore, learning to communicate is also a compulsory course in marriage.
Finally, I would like to say that there are no unhappy marriages, only unhappy couples.
Internal friction marriage seems to be a problem in the marriage, but in essence, there is a problem between the husband and wife.
Instead of being disappointed in marriage, look for reasons from yourself.
Neither be a person who consumes others, nor be consumed by others.
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The author | Carrie's sister, who has never given up love and freedom all her life.
The anchor | Ying Yu, public number: pillow classic
Pictures | Network (if there is infringement, please contact to delete), Visual China