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Friends said that people cannot be without a moral bottom line: "Maybe I am too feudal, I always think that life should be adhered to in the world, among which the basic principle of the moral bottom line is the basic principle of life." I can't understand why some people want to abuse their feelings, why they want to betray, why they only talk about love and don't talk about feelings. ”
I say that this is the result of cognitive differences, and different people have different understandings of the moral bottom line and different degrees of adherence to the moral bottom line. Everyone has a set of standards for measuring right and wrong, your standard is related to your cognition, and other people's standards are related to other people's cognition.
There is really nothing to argue about this kind of question, like a debate game, the front and the wrong side only defend their own point of view, even if one side wins, leaving the other party with nothing to say, it may not convince the other party.
That being said, we are not just individuals, we also live in groups. Groups or societies have their own rules, bottom lines and values, and judging individuals by the standards of the social environment is obviously right and wrong.
This is the problem mentioned by the friend, if from the individual point of view alone, everyone has his own freedom; but from the group point of view, the freedom of the individual needs to be reasonably limited. It can be said that all acts that are denied by mainstream values and that undermine the stability of society and the family are wrong.
For example, a person's betrayal in marriage is not in line with the mainstream value orientation, and it undermines the stability of the family, which is not recognized by most people, of course, it is a mistake.
Below, we combine the question "When did you start having a conflict with your in-laws" and elaborate on the above problem from different angles. The following four women's encounters may seem different, but in essence, they are the same.
The mother-in-law protects the son who makes a mistake
This is a relatively common problem, the mother-in-law protects her son, no matter what the son does wrong, in her opinion, there is no mistake, and no one can blame.
If it is an outsider's accusation, the wife may also protect the husband. But if a man's actions hurt his wife and her mother-in-law follows suit, she will of course have conflicts with her mother-in-law.
Just like the man who was arrested on the Internet yesterday, after being caught, he begged the police uncle not to let his wife know, saying that his wife was pregnant, afraid of hurting her. What he didn't know was that from the moment he said these words, he caused double harm to his wife: reality took advantage of his wife's pregnancy, thought that there was nothing wrong with him, thought that no one would know, was caught and hypocritically played the emotional card, why did he go earlier? Made a mistake and pulled his wife as a cushion to excuse himself, and was a wasted person!
Just the man himself will be angry enough with his wife, if at this time coupled with the mother-in-law's protection, in exchange for you, will you feel better?
As one reader put it: "He lived with someone else during my pregnancy, and I had a big belly and didn't want to entangle with him, thinking that it would work to ask my mother-in-law for help, but the mother-in-law said: 'During your pregnancy, he loves others without mistake!'" ’”
Angry people don't you?
She went to her mother-in-law for help, indicating that she did not want the marriage to break up, or that as long as the man could return to the family, she could not blame the past. She is already so humble, so tolerant, and she has not been able to understand and support, how can she not hate her mother-in-law?
Although her subsequent approach is not worth advocating from a humanitarian point of view, it is also impossible to talk about things: "Thinking about it, I have to give up my children, otherwise I will lose my freedom." 」 If I am bullied by my in-laws, I always resign myself to my children, this kind of day is too torturous! ”
My in-laws counted my money
Many people say that love should be evenly matched, and marriage should be right, but such a situation is rare, and more is still a marriage with a gap.
Some marriages are in which the man's conditions are superior to those of the woman, and in which the woman's conditions are superior to those of the man. For example, a woman is richer than a man and makes more money than a man.
In this case, it is easy to have such a problem: the in-laws are hungry for the woman's money, and they always make clever calculations.
This requires mentioning the difference between "sentiment" and "duty".
If the "duty" identified by the woman herself includes spending money for the in-laws, the calculation of the in-laws is within the acceptance range of the woman, and there will basically be no problems; but if the calculation of the in-laws exceeds the scope of the woman's understanding, and even requires the woman to share the love as a cost share, there will be a problem.
The most common situation is that the in-laws frequently instill the concept of "how you should" or "how you must be" in the woman in various ways of moral kidnapping, or frequently win the woman's sympathy by crying and selling miserably.
Just like a woman complained to her in-laws: "Since I married into my in-laws, I have opened a model of spending money like flowing water, and the money I spend myself is far less than that of my in-laws." At first, I didn't take it seriously, thinking that if I was kind to my in-laws and help them a little more, they would be good to me. But after a long time, I found that they would only be good to me when they calculated me, when they used me as a cash cow. They would never treat me well if they didn't talk about money. From the day I refused to give them any more money, our conflict bubbled up. ”
My in-laws worry about my house
This kind of problem is similar to the above problem, except that the in-laws usually do not calculate too much at once when they calculate the daughter-in-law's money, because they are afraid of being discovered.
But the house is different, when the in-laws are worried, they will not calculate step by step, but want to directly take it for themselves through a certain opportunity.
There are several more common situations, either the in-laws want to occupy the house in the name of pension, or the mother-in-law wants to take the house to the young son to make a marriage house, of course, there is also the situation that she wants to sell the house for money.
In either case, it is unfair to the woman. Again, if the woman voluntarily gives the house to her in-laws, she will have no complaints or regrets; and if the in-laws ask for it, anyone will be uncomfortable.
As a daughter-in-law said: "My in-laws are not poor, and they lack a house, what does it have to do with me?" Just because I married into their family, should I give my things to their family for free? They didn't give birth to me and I didn't raise me, so why? Although from a legal point of view, my house will always be my house, as long as I do not agree to give it away, no one can take it away. However, my in-laws have asked me twice about my house, how can I not be angry? ”
My in-laws treated me like an outsider
Although in a strict sense, the daughter-in-law is indeed a foreigner entering the in-laws' home, and it is indeed an outsider for the man's original family, but this kind of thing will still make people very uncomfortable when put on the surface.
Especially when women want to treat the in-laws as family, they want to have a good relationship with the in-laws, and some even treat the in-laws better than the biological parents, the mother and mother call all day long, but the result is rejected, isolated, treated as an outsider or even as a nanny, who will be willing to accept?
As one daughter-in-law said, "I put in a lot of money both materially and emotionally, thinking that if I treat my husband's parents as my own parents and his family as family, I can quickly integrate into that family." But as a result, no matter how hard I tried, I was always treated as an outsider, and they would deliberately separate me even when discussing something. What's worse is that the more I try to integrate into my in-laws' family, the more I am perceived as a misdemeanor, which is really uncomfortable. ”
Donglin Xiting Emotional Advice:
The reason why the above four situations are essentially the same is because all four situations are related to human "cognition".
The attitude, words and deeds of each character in the marriage are related to his "cognition". His ideas, ideas, and ways of thinking are all based on cognition.
To take a popular example, it is difficult for a person who has no knowledge of "respect" to consciously respect others, because he does not know what respect is, he will only do what he thinks is right. And what he thinks is right is not necessarily right in the eyes of others, not necessarily right by secular standards.
In the final analysis, there is only one sentence: all marriage problems are "human" problems. However, whenever there is a cognitive difference between each other or many people, or if there is no intersection of cognition at all, there will be disagreements and contradictions.
This kind of problem can also be explained from the perspective of pedagogy: if from a certain generation, education really starts from the doll, from an early age to establish the three views that have been verified, the cognitive differences formed by this generation are small, there are many intersections, and there will be few contradictions between each other.
With this line of thinking to reflect on the current marriage, there will still be cognitive differences between husband and wife, not to mention between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The age gap, the gap in the growth environment, the gap in educational attainment, etc., will cause existing cognitive differences, and the contradiction stems from this.
If such a problem has already occurred in a marriage, just worrying about it will not solve the problem. If you want to solve the problem, you need to grasp several keys: see if you can run in, see if you can choose, if you can enter, if you don't want to, you can retreat; you should retreat, and if you don't want to retreat, you can endure it!