Many of the problems that seem to be husband and wife are not actually husband and wife problems, but psychological growth problems brought about by the original family (the families of their respective parents); the satisfaction that was not obtained before must now be doubled.
Psychological trauma in the past, which most often surfaces in interacting with intimate people, becomes a "disease" rather than a "root cause."
The original family refers to the family that people grew up in, that is, the family that has parents to take care of.
The original family shapes the personality of the person, affects the growth of personality, cultivates the ability to manage emotions, and shapes the pattern of interpersonal interaction after personal growth. The emotional habits and thinking patterns formed by people in the original family are called "native complexes".
Everyone begins their own growth process with the psychological imprint of the original family. For example, the ranking of the family, the background of growth, the inner vows (which can also be said to be the "motto" in the growth experience, or some idea that has always remained in our hearts, become the highest guiding principle of our lives. The background of our growth invisibly instills in us many beliefs, which are not only unbreakable, but also continue to affect us.) It can be said that the original family is also the environment and system that affects us the earliest and most lasting.
01
The influence of the family of origin on the relationship between husband and wife
According to the survey, different personalities and values are the first major cause of divorce, followed by third-party intervention and disharmony in sexual life.
The so-called different values have a lot to do with the original family, and people's personality and values are formed in the original family, especially our Chinese.
Marriage is not a matter of two people, a marriage carries the heavy burden of the interests of two families, or even two families.
For the interpretation of the word "marriage", marriage refers to the man's family, and marriage refers to the woman's family.
Wang Haihuan's novel "The New Marriage Era" has a vivid description in this regard, and the marriage conflict between Gu Xiaoxi and He Jianguo's "urban-rural combination" is escalated under the influence of the two families, successfully interpreting the huge impact of the original family on marriage.
02
Inheritance of the parental marriage model
In he Jianguo's original family in the novel, the father is a typical machismo, the family has the final say on major and minor matters, and the mother submits to the father.
Therefore, although He Jianguo is highly educated, his "original complex" requires his spouse to revolve around him, because the concept of marriage he accepted from childhood is like this.
It just so happened that the woman he met, Gu Xiaoxi, came from a family where his father took care of his mother, so Gu Xiaoxi would not agree with her husband's idea that everything was decided by the man.
Gu Xiaoxi's influence on the family challenged her husband's desire for power and authority, and he would use the strong behavior he learned from his father at the first opportunity.
03
Exclusion of the parental marriage model
If a daughter grows up to see that her father does not have a strong ability to deal with things, and is bullied by others everywhere in life, then when she grows up, she may expect her husband to be a very strong man.
In her mind, her father's cowardice was the root of her own painful life, so in her own marriage she had to avoid such a situation no matter what.
Therefore, the influence of the original family on a person is subtle, and the "native complex" formed in the original family will be repeated unconsciously and uncontrollably in the relationship between husband and wife after growing up.
As a result, many couples have "internalized" the behavior of their parents to a certain extent, so that the behavior, cognition, emotions, etc. of both husband and wife in the marriage relationship have also had a chain reaction, and at the unguarded and unexpected moments of daily life, with extraordinary intensity, they are detonated by the closest people in our lives (usually spouses).
Many psychologists believe that in marriage, on the surface we are getting along with our spouse, but in fact we are constantly re-experiencing our past relationships with our parents.
Marriage relationship can be said to be a reproduction of the interaction pattern with our parents in the process of growing up.
04
Solutions to the relationship between the original family and the husband and wife
Different original families are naturally different in terms of family culture, relationship patterns, and family rules, and two people from completely different original families form a new family with the shadow of their respective families, if they are not aware of this difference, they cannot deal with this difference, and if they do not deal with this difference, they will not be both defeated, but also a life drama of exhaustion.
In real life, most people unconsciously copy the thinking and behavior patterns of their predecessors, inherit from generation to generation, and enter a dead cycle that cannot be broken: this requires us to turn the subconscious dominant state into the conscious dominant state, understand the impact of the past, and learn how to peel off the "original complex".
First, the soul goes back and grows up in marriage
"Spiritual retrospection" refers to the deep awareness of the strong emotions triggered by the current interpersonal relationships, and explores the root causes of excessive emotions in the original family.
The "emotional overrage" response of an individual who is particularly angry or overly injured is usually related to the "native complex" of the original family as a child.
Both husband and wife can take the opportunity of the "original complex" to do even a painful spiritual journey, understand what has happened in their growth process, learn to use the current, more mature, and more objective position to examine and explore the source of their own and each other's personality formation, get out of the shadow of their parents' marriage, help each other grow, and rebuild a beautiful and harmonious marriage relationship in their growth.
Therefore, knowing each other's inner psychological state is also an indispensable part of the process of resolving conflicts and establishing intimate relationships.
In particular, it is pointed out that "spiritual retrospection" is a rather emotional process, and some people will even temporarily have the phenomenon of psychological degradation (regress), re-experiencing childhood pain, falling into strong emotions, and suddenly not knowing where they are and when they are (in the past or now).
As you delve deeper into the fragile parts of your heart, any "criticism," "judgment," "cross—over," or all sorts of negative speculations and interpretations of your outspoken heart may hurt you again. Therefore, it is best to have someone around you who cares about you, supports you, knows how to listen carefully, and gives you a sense of security.
Although psychic backtracking can be used on its own when a person is alone, it is more effective if there are safe people around us to help us go through the above process step by step.
Second, clean up their respective families of origin
Each spouse brings different rules from the family he grew up in. How to turn two versions of the family version of the rule into one version is a compulsory lesson in marriage.
Analyze the various traps in their respective original families, make good use of the resources they have, formulate a bilateral agreement that goes their own way, and he retreats while he goes his way, and finally successfully implements the agreement reached between the two sides.
Third, be aware of excessively strong emotional reactions
For most people, there are some particularly sensitive, hair-trigger, interpersonal lethal "pain points", which are often the most easily detonated by close people. Many people are able to maintain peace of mind outside, but when they get home, they are furious.
In daily life, whenever you have an extraordinary emotional reaction to something or situation, you must pay attention to it, especially those emotions that are particularly strong and appear again and again, which are likely to hide the "original complex" in the "original family" behind it.
Fourth, distinguish between the present and the past
After a strong emotion is vented, we must pay attention to which ones are aimed at people and things in the present, and which are played out on the topic and belong to the past. Don't mix the emotions that belonged to the past towards your parents, project and vent them on your husband (wife), making them inexplicable and unacceptable.
There is a firewall between past and present emotions, so that the complex of the past will not continue to be entangled in the present marriage.
Fifth, find new coping models
Like all social systems, the family has its basic needs: a sense of worth, a sense of security, a sense of accomplishment, a sense of intimacy, and so on. Our little family lacks what to make up for, and what to go to. The husband's only sense of value and achievement is not enough, but also the wife's appreciation, the wife will give him a little, which can be a chance to do more with less. If the husband wants to be a decision-maker, he gives him some power. If he wants to be an authority like his father, he will give him more face... These moves are worry-free and low-cost, so try them.
The family in which each of us grew up not only shaped our image and character, but also gave us a variety of life patterns. People with the ability to reflect will modify and choose these models. Their lives will be full of taste.
In addition, the interaction between the regenerative family and the original family should be balanced.
Zeng Qifeng, a well-known psychologist in China, described that the relationship between husband and wife is "the needle of the sea god of the family", and in a family with in-laws, husband and wife and children, if the husband and wife relationship is the core of the family and has the first right to speak, then the family will be as stable as a rock.
05
conclusion
People's most profound changes are changes on the emotional level, aware of each other's emotions, looking for positive emotional interaction, and meeting each other's psychological needs, so that they will not passively copy the marriage model of the original family.
With the above cognition, we should be vigilant against ourselves, do not let the past trauma period continue to the present, do not use anger to "collect debts" from the people closest to us, but slowly solve the problem with reason and love, and may accidentally create a unique romantic marriage model in the world. Home for spiritual growth