Wen \ Jiang Zuo Mei Niang
01. Import
There is a famous saying in the Augmentation Sages that says:
"Tigers are still close, and people are too familiar to be loved."
The simple explanation of this sentence is: if you accidentally encounter a tiger, but as long as the tiger has never had contact with people, then it will not easily attack you, and it is okay for you to be close; but people are too familiar with each other, then you must keep a little distance.
The previous sentence is easy to understand, the next sentence is confusing, why can't you get too close to acquaintances, you have to keep a distance? Because, human nature is very complicated, it is not clear, what is the relationship between you and that person? You have your considerations, and the other person has the other person's considerations, and sometimes, you may feel that you are particularly close relatives and friends, and the other party may only be when you are ordinary people, and vice versa. Therefore, the relationship between people cannot be measured with a unified ruler.
If you go too close, it is very likely that it will bring you a disaster, and if you go too close, the other party will become overly dependent on you, and it will also destroy your relationship.
You will find that the more you want to get along well with him, the more you don't get along well, the more you want to explain but the more you will invisibly hurt others, so when people reach middle age, even if they are brothers and sisters, don't get too close, although they may be your closest relatives.
02. Case (Authorized)
My husband is a typical phoenix man, there are 4 brothers and sisters in the family, he is old and young, only he was admitted to college, and his brothers and sisters are farming at home.
The second year after the husband graduated, he helped his brother to find a job, this job for a brother who could only rely on hard work before, it was definitely a good job, there were five social insurances and one gold, every month there was a salary, even if the New Year came home, the same can be paid, there is a retirement salary after retirement, the brother's job, let the whole village envy.
But the husband brother did not want to go at first, after going to be picky, because he felt that his brother seemed to have a lot of money every day as long as he drank tea and sat in the office, and he had to run to the construction site for three days, he was mentally unbalanced, he had to change his job for him, and finally the husband spent a lot of effort to change him a more relaxed one, but he was still not satisfied, but the husband could not do it, and finally under the reprimand of the in-laws, the brother stopped for a while.
In the first two years of my marriage, my husband and I would welcome us warmly every time we came home for the New Year. Later, when we went back to the New Year, my brother and sister-in-law became more and more cold, and I never invited us to dinner again, and at first I couldn't understand it, and I didn't know where I offended my brother-in-law.
Later, after overhearing a casual remark from my mother-in-law, I also knew that when we came home for the New Year, we did not buy expensive tobacco and alcohol for my brother, so that he could show up in front of the villagers, and he himself was not willing to spend money to buy good cigarettes, so he had an opinion! My brother has always felt that our family is very rich, when the New Year, we should bring him some expensive tobacco and alcohol, but the parents are still there, the conditions of my brother's family are good, we do not have empty hands every time we go back, why do we have to send him this kind of heavy gift, I can't figure it out.
Later, the in-laws fell ill and were hospitalized, most of the heads were out of us, the brother still had to pay the bills, and he kept the money after the reimbursement of medical treatment. After the death of my in-laws, my brother took all the family property for himself, if we go back to our hometown, there is no place to stay, my husband is angry, but because when my mother-in-law was still there, the ancestral house that was said to be left to us is now occupied by my brother, which is too angry.
It is also because of such a thing that happened, but also broke the heart of the husband, since then the two brothers have been like strangers, broken contact, from the husband from time to time to mention the hometown, maybe he still wants to reconcile with his brother in his heart.
Mei Niang, what do you say we should do? Can such a brother still have a good relationship? I also don't want my husband to be too sad.
03. Mei Niang said
Dear hello, after reading your letter, the image of a virtuous and kind woman is displayed in front of my eyes, I know that you especially hope that your husband can restore friendship with his brother, but whether a relationship can be friendly or not is not up to one person, it requires both parties to have such a will, it needs each other to have the character to maintain the relationship, the latter is often more important.
For the simplest example, I have a reader, he grew up in a broken family, the father is drunk, domestic violence, rarely comes home, the mother is sometimes depressed, sometimes grumpy, and as long as the two people are together, it is endless quarrels and contradictions, childhood he, has always lived in a huge shadow, compared with his peers, he has always had the obsession of a happy family, but is it possible? A young child, what ability does he have to make the people of this family come together?
Even if the father is willing and the mother is willing, but willingness is only the first step, as long as they are together, they cannot control their behavior, so how can it be harmonious and warm?
Therefore, happiness and harmony really need character, it requires everyone in the family to have a sound personality, emotional stability, and everyone needs to cherish family affection and be able to compare hearts to hearts.
Some of these difficulties stem from human nature, some from class, some from cognition, when you are a child, you can't pinch them together, you just grow up, you can't make them become affectionate for you.
And you think, a family and harmony and beauty, happiness and harmony, this is the line of a better life, most of the people in this world are actually unattainable, you can think so, maybe you will let go of obsession, accept the reality.
In interpersonal communication, in addition to not expecting the achievement of the line, we must hold the scale of the downline, the downline is the bottom line, if that person, he has broken through your bottom line, you still keep him, then you are aiding and abetting abuse!
What your husband's brother did, the previous behavior we say is just a little evil, he does not know gratitude, only know how to take, but in the back he occupies the family property, I think this is already very terrible, such a person, do you really hope that your family and him after reconciliation, will be treated kindly?
At this time, where is your bottom line? He can blame your husband, he doesn't know how to thank him, or he can make him pay more to support his parents without reason, but what if he harms your whole family? He wants to endanger your survival, do you still want to reconcile with him? At this point, it is time for us to establish borders to protect ourselves.
In fact, in any relationship, you must have an upper line and a bottom line in your heart, so is family affection, and so is love.
The upper line of the relationship is the most advanced, very rare, don't force it, you always take the line to ask each other, that is the strong man is difficult, find your own guilt, and if you and I are gentlemen, then you don't need you to say, you can reach this line, if one is a gentleman, one is a villain, you gentleman is humble, the villain will not be grateful, he will eat your bones.
The downline of the relationship, do not rely on the other party to decide, the decision-making power is in your hands, you must have a number in your heart, whether this person is good or evil for you, whether it is true or false, whether it is safe or dangerous, you must have foreknowledge, have vigilance, you must learn to pause, learn to stop loss in time, and can not be affected by emotions, kidnapped by family affection, feel that if you are not demanding intimacy and good, you will be sorry for your parents, sorry for your conscience.
If you really think so, it can only mean that you are too emotional and stupid, because all the premise of the relationship must be based on equality, if there is only oppression, exploitation, no return and gratitude in this relationship, then one party will always be eaten by the other party, and when you are eaten dry and wiped clean, what should you do?
When people reach middle age, don't get too close to some brothers and sisters, some people are really unworthy.
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I am Mei Niang, your most intimate emotional counselor, if you have emotional confusion, please send me a private message, Mei Niang will take you out of the confusion.