On the three-day holiday on New Year's Day, my friend Xiaolan quarreled with her husband for three days, the source of which was "Grandma said that her granddaughter was rude, and let her son educate her granddaughter."
After the husband scolded the child, he quarreled with Xiaolan for three days, and Xiaolan couldn't bear the inadvertent provocation between the mother-in-law and the husband, so she sent this paragraph to her husband:
Who wants us to divorce, who wants us to argue, first tell you that the bowl is piled up, let you call me to wash, and then say that the daughter is not polite to let you teach, and then pretend to be a good person to let you not scold the daughter, don't quarrel over the years.
Yesterday I fanned the flames and said that I wouldn't do my wife's laundry, and today I said that she didn't want to say anything about me, and then I said everything together...
This matter is actually not a big deal, the cause is that the child has been disturbed by the grandmother because of homework, and the door is locked to prevent the grandmother from entering, so what the grandmother said, the child is not polite to let the son educate.
Xiaolan's daughter had just entered the second grade, and she got up early on New Year's Day, and before her friends and husband could get up, she was alone in the study doing her homework.
Grandma has been going in and out of the study, one will say to the child that you don't like Grandma, ignore me; one will say to the child that it is almost noon, how can your mother not get up; one will say that your father is so hard, making money to support you and your mother.
The child was constantly disturbed while doing his homework, extremely impatient, and went directly past Grandma into the room and locked the door.
The child's attitude caused the grandmother's extreme discomfort, thinking that this must be instigated by the mother, the child will have this attitude towards her, so she found her son and said, "The child is not polite at all, and does not know how to teach it usually, and you don't care."
The son immediately scolded the child, and then quarreled with his wife, saying that she usually did not educate the child well, causing her to disrespect the elderly.
The mother-in-law heard the little couple arguing, so she came over and advised: New Year's Day, you husband and wife should not quarrel, what words can not be said well, the child is still young, teach slowly, you should not scold her all the time!
Xiaolan was extremely angry after listening, obviously the matter was provoked by the mother-in-law, the husband and wife were provoked by the mother-in-law every time they quarreled, and now she pretended to be a good person, angry at the mother-in-law at the same time, she was also angry at her husband's inaction, the mother-in-law incited the wind, began to quarrel with her.
In "The Marriage of the Two of Us", there is a sentence that says: "Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are originally a by-product of marriage, and two people only have interests, not direct relations."
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has always been the most delicate relationship in marriage, and if it is handled well, it can become the lubricant of marriage; if it is not handled well, it is the churning stick of marriage.
Like Xiaolan, a mother-in-law who provokes the feelings of husband and wife, I have seen a lot of mother-in-law film and television dramas, and I have seen many examples of spitting mother-in-law on some emotional forums.
A good mother-in-law is a blessing for a family, and she will become the biggest help to reconcile the feelings of husband and wife after the husband and wife have conflicts. If you meet an evil mother-in-law, or even a "drama spirit" mother-in-law, the final outcome of the marriage is roughly inseparable from the fate of the wife and the separation.
Just like Hu Lijuan in "Double Sided Tape" described the arrival of her mother-in-law: it is like a dark cloud under the sun, not big, not small, no more, no less, just blocking the sun's yin. And this cloud happens to block all the splendor.
Xiaolan said that after ten years of marriage, the trick between her and her mother-in-law is simply a high-level mother-in-law sutra, hearing her talk about the mother-in-law, I simply summarized the following three kinds of "evil mother-in-law" behavior, I hope that after reading you can avoid these pits.
01 I can't see my daughter-in-law doing well
When Xiaolan gave birth to a child and sat in confinement, the mother-in-law once said to her son, "The daughter-in-law slept until twelve o'clock every day, and the previous woman directly went to work in the field when she gave birth to a child.
The implication is that "which woman does not have children, your daughter-in-law is a flirtatious person." ”
Sure enough, after the son heard this sentence, he sneered at Xiaolan's hard work every time that "the child does not wake up during the day and does not sleep at night", saying that "since it is right to be a mother's hard work, which woman did not come this way".
In "Double Sided Tape", Yaping's mother was once such an "evil mother-in-law", she herself suffered a lot when she was young, when she became a mother-in-law, she saw Li Juan eating and lazy all day, she was very unpleasant, so she did not move to make her daughter-in-law do this and that, and also wanted Li Juan to treat Ya Ping like a grandfather.
After Xiaolan got married, she was not compatible with her mother-in-law because of various trivialities, and she was embarrassed to have a direct conflict with her mother-in-law, and then the husband and wife often quarreled because of a word from the mother-in-law, the mother-in-law provoked more, and she no longer had to endure it, and after hearing the mother-in-law say that she was flirtatious in front of her son, she also began to fight back against the mother-in-law: Your own life is not good, your husband is not good, you want your daughter-in-law to suffer, let your son also be a person who will be spurned by the child's wife in the future.
When the husband heard this, it was indeed this reason, and since then he has never quarreled with Xiaolan about these things.
02 Let the son "teach" the daughter-in-law
Has anyone ever "lectured" his wife because of his mother-in-law's words and his husband turned his head?
Once Xiaolan planned to take the child downstairs for a walk, before going out, she let the child bring some food and toys to share with other children, but heard the mother-in-law quietly tell the child, eat all the delicious food and then go down, otherwise it will be robbed by other children when she goes downstairs.
Xiaolan felt that her mother-in-law could not educate her children in this way, so she argued with her mother-in-law for a few words.
After returning from a walk, Xiaolan heard her mother-in-law complaining to her husband "wronged":
You don't say her, it's all my bad, I won't take the child, you have to say it, and then the two of you will quarrel again... I want to say, xx is also used to you, she just ate you to death, I am a little wronged, I am just every time I see you wronged, I am distressed..."
I have to say that the mother-in-law's words are extremely level, and the implication is that "you really did not show up, you were suppressed by your daughter-in-law's affairs, you were wronged, your mother was distressed, your mother was wronged, didn't you stand up for your mother, didn't you teach your ignorant daughter-in-law a lesson?"
Just like Ya Ping in "Double Sided Tape", he was originally considerate of Li Juan, but in the end he was instigated by his mother-in-law to "teach" Li Juan, so Ya Ping really "taught" his wife under the pretext of "filial piety" and "manhood", and even almost caused Li Juan to miscarry.
Xiaolan was not polite when she heard her mother-in-law's words at that time, and poked her mother-in-law on the spot:
You are so distressed that your son should learn from your grandmother, grandma is distressed that dad lives directly far away, every New Year's Day dad wants to see her, you don't let it, grandma did not say a bad word in front of dad, this is the mother-in-law's example, is really distressed son.
Some couples who were originally very loving, instigated by their parents, lost the ability to think, felt that their parents were said by their daughters-in-law, it would make him lose face, and their parents thought that they were oppressed by women, in order to save face and dignity, they wanted to show their "manly" side in front of their parents, and they had to suppress their wives and show the majesty of their men.
But forget, where there are so many so-called faces between husbands and wives, in marriage, most happy couples have a husband who knows how to take the initiative to show weakness.
03 I can't see my daughter-in-law spending money
Yaping's mother in "Double Sided Tape" is often annoyed because Hu Lijuan spends money indiscriminately, and she feels that Hu Lijuan eats well and dresses well, and spends all her son's money, even if she earns it, it also belongs to her son Yaping.
Xiaolan's mother-in-law was very unaccustomed to her, thinking that she could buy hundreds of clothes and thousands of cosmetics at every turn, which was the performance of a loser.
Completely ignoring that the money spent by the daughter-in-law is earned by herself, all the expenses of living expenses and children are also borne by Xiaolan, most of her husband's salary is spent on his own playing cards and drinking, and there are some big expenses, such as buying a house and buying a car, which is also supported by the father-in-law.
Once the mother-in-law saw Xiaolan taking a bunch of couriers again, the mother-in-law turned her head and began to brainwash her son:
Look at this pile of express delivery, you also save a little, you make money so hard, I feel sorry for you, every penny saved now is not left to you in the future!
The meaning of the words: look at your daughter-in-law, how many losers, do not know how to hurt you, you make money so hard, all for her defeat!
Don't underestimate the power of this sentence, subtly, the husband's balance will slowly fall to the mother, think you are too bad, all day long know to buy and buy, completely disregard the family, will not think about this family.
04 Conclusion
Wu Zhihong wrote this sentence in "Why Home Hurts People":
Parents of healthy families love their children deeply and raise him, not to share this result for themselves, not to stick with their children forever, but to push him out of the house, to a wider world, so that he can live an independent and autonomous life.
A harmonious family must begin with parents slowly learning to withdraw from the son's life, the son and daughter-in-law to form a new family gradually grow into a responsible and responsible person, and then experience the difficulty of parenting, grateful for the parents' dedication to themselves, this is a benign marriage model.
A mother who is unwilling to let go of her children cannot become a good mother-in-law.
In fact, for those things between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, Xiaolan said that if she really wanted to talk about it, she might not be able to write it in three days and three nights, and I only chose the three "evil mother-in-law" mentalities that are more common in mother-in-law and daughter-in-law to write.
In zhihu, there was a topic that asked "What is it like to have a drama queen mother-in-law?" Not long after this post was released, it attracted the attention of more than 1.3 million people, which shows that the issue of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a hot spot in the whole society.
In the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law has the suffering of the mother-in-law, the daughter-in-law has the tears of the daughter-in-law, and every mother-in-law and daughter-in-law seems to have an endless "history of blood and tears" when it comes to each other.
For the mother-in-law, making a separation from the son who has established an emotional link for twenty or thirty years will indeed produce loss and sadness, but at the same time, it is also necessary to adjust the mentality, do not hinder the intimate relationship between the son and the daughter-in-law, always want to destroy the son's marriage, and find a better daughter-in-law.
You know, if your mentality is not adjusted, no matter how good the daughter-in-law, as long as she has close feelings with her son, it will also make you jealous and breed the feeling that your son has been "snatched away".
As a daughter-in-law, she must also know how to appropriate accommodation and tolerance, confuse small things, the principle of big things, communicate with her husband more, and establish a good relationship between husband and wife, so that all the contradictions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will be solved.