01
Received a message from a reader on a platform:
"I think my husband didn't love me as much as before, because before, no matter who was wrong, he would try to coax me, and now sometimes he has to reason with me, I have told him that I feel that you have changed, I want him to hurt me as before, he said that he is old husband and wife, are busy taking care of children, of course, the world of two people is less, there is no possibility of being like a hot love, I don't know whether it is my problem, or he has really changed? We've been married for five years and now marriage makes me very weak. ”
Seeing her message, I just want to say one word: in marriage, people who can't learn to be alone with themselves can never hold the happiness in their hands.
In many cases, people's troubles come from themselves, not her marriage has changed, nor her husband has changed, but she herself is still too dependent on the spirit of love and her husband, it is that she herself has not learned to be alone with herself, and she has not handled her intimate relationship with herself.
I've been doing emotional counseling for a long time and have found that a lot of people have common problems like her in marriage.
Our love cannot be static, you can't expect your love to always be vigorous, if that, how tired, yes, love is passionate, but love in married life, more flat. No couple can live a lifetime by passionate love, but plain love is more down-to-earth.
What is the problem she needs to solve? Learn to be alone with yourself.
When we are in love, we will put all our eyes on our partners, but when you get married, you become old husbands and wives, and you become a habit of living with each other. Don't have too much spiritual dependence on your partner, learn to face the lonely time on your own, you are an adult, you are not a child, you do not have to let your husband let you and coax you.
If you think about it, you often coax a person and let a person, how tired.
This is pampering for a while, but in the long run it is a repression of one's nature, and sooner or later it will erupt. Don't allow yourself to do something like this, be mature, and get along with your partner the way you are an adult.
Let me give you an example: after I got married to my husband, we rarely took the initiative to contact during the day, and I would not ask him if he had dinner, nor would he ask me. The two of us often don't have a phone call during the day, and we don't have a WeChat unless there's something wrong. But we would contact him in the evening, and when I needed his help. Except for things, we were busy with our own business the rest of the time. Of course he was busy with work, and I was busy writing and recording videos in the study, and I was alone with myself.
I was very busy, and I felt that I didn't have enough time, because I had to write several articles a day, and I was like a war, closing the study door and not even teasing my girlfriend. I'm so busy, where do I have time to take care of him? What he's doing is not a topic of concern to me; who he is with is not what I care about.
You may think that our relationship is so cold.
Actually not, we rely on it occasionally.
When I feel very anxious and have no clue in my career, I will talk to him in the evening; I will also ask him how his recent work is, whether there are any problems; we will also talk about children, talk about sons and daughters, full of expectations for their future growth; we will also hug, which day comes to be interested, feel the special need to sleep together, and will also sleep in the arms.
Now because the two children sleep in separate rooms, we even have to make an appointment to "sleep together".
The relationship between two people belongs to the moderate love, the need to rely on the time of dependence, in addition, each busy.
When you're married and have kids, you take on family responsibilities, and we can't be as carefree as we were in love. Our mentality is different, so the way we get along has to change. Our time is broken, busy with work, busy with children, occasionally have to deal with friends, etc., so we can't give our partners as much time as when we are in love.
We need to learn to be alone with ourselves and find something to do when we feel lonely, rather than looking for spiritual comfort from our partners. What if he's busy and doesn't care about you? If he really doesn't have time, he can't be busy, and it's normal for people to ignore you.
02
In general, women will be more dependent on their husbands after marriage, and men mostly work outside during the day and sometimes socialize with friends, so they may only leave time for their families to stay at night or on holidays. If the wife has her own job, maybe she will have things to distract herself; but if there is no job, in addition to the children is the family, she does not have her own interests and hobbies, then her expectations of her husband will be very high, and she needs her husband to care for her.
They will take a man's love for themselves very seriously, because for them, this is the embodiment of their own value.
But this type of woman tends to live more and more selflessly.
They may also be busy, busy taking care of their children, busy cleaning, busy helping their children with their homework, and seem to have done a lot of things, but they still feel unhappy. Because their value is based on the affirmation of others, if others ignore her, she will feel that her efforts are not worth it.
So, how can this type of woman find herself in marriage?
As I said, learn to face loneliness on your own, your free time should also be busy, and you have to do something every day that makes you feel happy. For example, if you like makeup, then you go to dress yourself; you like to write, you go to write online articles to write self-media articles; you like to play the piano, then you play the piano to relieve your loneliness; you like to read, just use the way of reading books to be alone with yourself.
In layman's terms, it is to run your own life.
There are many women in marriage who do not know how to run their own, it is better to have a job, at least the work can allow her to contact with social people; but those women who do not have a job, when the children finish school, she will feel very empty, lying in bed doing nothing and not knowing what she can do. Alone for a long time, when I go out again, I don't know how to socialize.
If you don't think, don't be busy, and can't find your own sense of value identity, you will feel very empty.
If they don't get the love of their husbands, they will feel that their marriage is extremely miserable, and in the final analysis, they are not running their own lives.
03
Find your own life goals and see what kind of person you want to be.
Don't just envy others and say how wonderful her life is, in fact, you can too.
I've become more mature after I got married, and I'm now sure I'm a particularly strong woman at heart, I don't need to rely on my husband most of the time, my job keeps me busy, and I don't have any other time to think about it. I spend almost all of my time writing and researching videos, and I summarize what I lack and what I can do to make myself better. I've been learning to record videos recently, as well as understanding some basic situations of video platforms, what kind of development model it is, and it will take time to figure out these.
I shut myself in the study after delivering the children at nine o'clock in the morning, didn't come out until about 12 o'clock at noon, then hugged my daughter, and then went into the study at one o'clock, and from one o'clock to four twenty o'clock in the afternoon. After picking up the children, I accompanied the two children, and when the children were asleep at night, I shut myself in the study again. There are too many things to be busy every day, want to learn more, want to improve themselves.
How can I not be strong inside?
I basically rarely encounter marriage problems now, and I can't think straight, and I think clearly when I write.
You may ask me, so let your husband go unchecked and not worry about him cheating?
Whether a person will cheat, it is not something that you can change by imposing interference, if one day our feelings really change, I can guarantee that I will not do anything to sorry him, if he can't guarantee it, then things will be settled. If I get to that point, I love the wrong person myself, and I myself planted a heel on the road to marriage. But I still have my own, I haven't lost myself, I can still face it calmly.
Having said all this, I hope that women will handle their relationship with themselves well in marriage, which is more important than your relationship with your husband. When you learn to be alone with yourself, when you run your own life, you will find that happiness is so easy to get.
This sense of well-being is not given to you by others, but by what you give to yourself.
Today's topic: Are you dependent on your husband in marriage? Welcome to leave a message.
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★ Author: YIBAO; emotional original author, writing about the warm emotional affairs of this world.