Source | Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio
ID:zqfxlgzs
Wu Zhihong said:
"The development of a person from a narcissistic dimension that only cares about strength to a relationship dimension that really cares about emotions is an important development of personality."
Once, in a chat, a friend complained that her husband was too unsympathetic.
Valentine's Day, Christmas or whatever, never buy flowers to buy gifts, even if it is a birthday, it is at most a restaurant.
I asked her if she had ever communicated with her husband about her need for romantic holidays.
He had communicated, but he was the kind of person who didn't remember his own birthday, let alone buy me a gift. And even if I asked for flowers, they were brought back in plastic bags, which was not romantic at all, and it was not what I wanted at all.
A person who doesn't even remember his birthday is willing to try to change for you, what is his inner activity? For him, will the flowers in the plastic bag already be, very hard to do?
I don't care what kind of mental activity he has, I myself have not been satisfied!
The words of my friends make me think of some voices that I often hear: I am not very demanding, why can't the other half change first, let me be satisfied. As long as I am satisfied, no matter how hard and tired life is, I feel happy.
These voices seem to be very concerned about the relationship dimension of emotion, but in fact, they are doing a contest of strength behind them.
01
Two dimensions of human nature
Wu Zhihong said: Human nature can be seen as composed of a narcissistic dimension that cares about power and a relationship dimension that cares about emotions.
The narcissistic dimension occupies an important role early in life. Psychoanalysis holds that babies are born all-powerful narcissistic. He's hungry, he's crying, the milk will appear, the diaper will be changed, so the baby feels that he is controlling the world with his thoughts and cries, and this sense of control about power is proof of whether he can survive or not.
As the baby grows, the baby slowly perceives the presence of the mother and sees what she looks like in the mother's reaction to herself.
This is not only the basis for how one perceives oneself, but also for building emotional links with others.
If the baby gets good enough care and response, he has the foundation for a stable heart and good personality, and slowly develops from a narcissistic dimension that values strength to a relationship dimension that values emotions.
But the reality is that while the vast majority of parents love their children, it is difficult for the primary caregiver (usually the mother) to interact with the baby in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere due to financial pressures, negative life events, marital tensions, socio-cultural practices, and other reasons.
Coupled with the fact that later, parents constantly compare, suppress or ignore the process of developing their children's hygiene habits and learning academic supervision, it is difficult for children to experience that they are safe enough and good enough. A common example is when a parent says to a child who is experiencing pain with a hoarse voice, "If you cry again, if you cry again, I won't want you."
In order to verify that they are safe and worthy of love, the child will always stay in the narcissistic dimension of power and develop multiple ways there to try to be affirmed.
Common are bullying classmates, rebellion, addiction to games or star chasing, etc. It's worth noting that not all bad behavior is about proving yourself safe, and not all of this proof is manifested as bad behavior. Some children will get this through excellent academic performance, obedience to their parents, and so on.
The difference between the two is whether the child's interest is in the thing itself or in the recognition of the outside world.
A child who is linked to learning will not be devastated by an exam, because what he is interested in is still there, but a child who learns to be recognized can easily think that he has lost the whole world because he fails an exam.
This is the paradox of the parenting process: only when the child feels loved and affirmed in the parents, will the ability to be loved and affirmed grow in the heart. Without this, even if he received more recognition and praise later, he would not feel the achievement and satisfaction.
This is different from what many parents think, as long as I do not hesitate to raise him with oppression, criticism, sarcasm, etc., then he will definitely be more inclined to succeed. And as long as he succeeds, he will definitely feel loved and recognized.
A common example is that people do not understand why some people study, work, look, and have a good family background, but they live an inferior and depressed life.
02
"Whoever changes first" is the need for unconditional love
In adulthood, this contest of forces in the narcissistic dimension will continue from early life experience. Especially in intimate relationships, high emotional concentration will infinitely amplify and release the portrayal of a person's inner world.
Subconsciously, everyone wants their other half to be their perfect parent, hoping to get unconditional love and affirmation there.
But the intimate relationship in adulthood is no longer the relationship between parents and babies, but the equal relationship between two independent individuals.
The problem arises: on the one hand, I hope that the other party will unconditionally satisfy themselves, no matter what kind of feelings and ways of thinking the other party has; on the other hand, when the other party cannot do it, they do not have a strong enough personality to see the other party's situation and feelings, creatively look for solutions, but they can only stay in the original narcissistic dimension, with a simple who is right and who is wrong, who bows first, who changes first, who pays more and who pays less, to carry out the contest of strength.
I hope that through these contests, I will get the proof of being loved and fill the black hole of doubt about whether I am safe and valuable.
Let's not say that whether one person can meet all the needs of another person, even if it can be satisfied, the original inner black hole is difficult to be filled, on the contrary, it will stretch out more tentacles, trying to seize more opportunities to obtain inner peace and tranquility, but never get it.
In this contest of power, not only is there no victory to speak of, but both parties will feel more and more tired, numb and indifferent, so many marriages, no third party, no domestic violence and PUA, but still slowly become ice cellars and graves.
Marriage, which values the relationship dimension more, is another situation.
When things happen, he will put the narcissism aside, objectively and equally observe and describe, and then feedback and verify each other's feelings and needs, and then express himself in the same way, and finally work with each other to find a way to be satisfied with each other. This is also the model advocated by Nonviolent Communication.
These steps require long-term deliberate practice to obtain. Or maybe we don't need to keep these steps in mind all the time, just ask ourselves, in the relationship, I value the strength of strength, or the link of feelings.
Teacher Zeng Qifeng once told a very good example: a man said angrily after arguing with his wife, I will never go back to this home again, who returns to who is a grandson. After a while, the man carried the dish, knocked on the door and said, Wife, open the door, your grandson is back.
Returning to the question of change, when we start with our own needs and ask the other party to change, the other party often feels oppressed and is not willing to really change. Just like when we are young, when we feel the pressure of our parents, rather than love, even if we will give in on the surface, but afterwards, we always think about fighting back.
This kind of counterattack is suppressed to a certain extent, and sometimes it even manifests itself as, don't you want me to succeed, then I will fail to show you.
Only when we feel loved, respected, and seen, are we willing to change from the bottom of our hearts.
Therefore, if you really expect the other party to change, the premise is that you have enough energy to see each other and respect each other. Then again, when we can really do this, who will change first and who will satisfy whom first is no longer a problem. The question is how to make relationships more harmonious.
03
Women want each other to change
Although both parties in an intimate relationship want each other to be their perfect parents, women's emotional appeals will be stronger than men's. This appeal is not only manifested in, but also in the expectation of men to change, but also in the exploration that they will make a lot of changes.
Like many courses and activities about self-growth, they are dominated by groups of women.
This is because under the long-term social customs and cultural traditions, when men's emotional demands are not met, they will find a way to cope with social attributes and sense of achievement, while women have relatively fewer opportunities and resources in this regard.
As Zhang Quanling complained, for successful women, the most asked is always how do you balance family and career, while successful men have no problem in this regard.
So when a man loves a woman deeply, he rarely sees the woman as the whole thing, and when a woman loves a man deeply, she pours out her majestic emotional needs on that person.
The stronger this need, the more stressful the men feel and the harder it is for change to happen.
Happily, with the development of the times, women have more and more ways to meet emotional demands, and correspondingly, men have paid more and more attention to the relationship dimension related to emotions.
This is a manifestation of the progress of the times, although slow, but worth looking forward to.
Leaving aside the background of the slow era, we, as independent individuals, are also worth looking forward to in terms of relationship changes. Because no matter who changes first, the person who changes is a manifestation of more mature personality, and this more mature, if you have to compare it in the system of winning and losing, it is also a performance of winning. What's more, there is no win or loss in the relationship. Whoever changes, it brings a win-win situation in the relationship.
04
We can do it
From the narcissistic dimension of valuing strength to the relationship dimension of valuing emotions, it is a long process of growth, if in the early life experience, we did not complete the process, then what we can do is to take responsibility for change ourselves and strive to complete. For example, the following practice, but not limited to this.
1. Replace criticism and accusation with feelings and needs
Whether for ourselves or for others, when we try to see feelings and needs, it's easier for us to build deep links and find ways to meet needs. And even in the beginning, we can't always remember and don't have to blame ourselves. After all, we didn't have such a foundation before. Like, you can't blame a poor person, why not invest in projects and make more money.
2. Practice meditation and meditation
Meditation, or meditation, can help us look at our lives in a higher dimension. When we withdraw from the life in front of us, it is easier for us to look at ourselves more objectively and to see others.
3. Deeply link with things that interest you
Satisfying ourselves in these things and experiencing more flow moments increases our positive view of ourselves, rather than just competing for wins and losses in our relationships.
4. Invite good objects into their lives
You can join a meeting group or seek the help of a counselor. It's also possible to live in new places, or to travel deeply, which increases our experience of good relationships. Help us see ourselves and the world better and more holistically.
Remember these and practice them constantly.
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