The more parents can boast, the higher the child flies?

Source| Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio

ID:zqfxlgzs

Sure why it's so hard for kids

Orange, the child of a relative, is a little genius. In kindergarten, he learned pinyin, most of the Chinese characters in elementary school, and complex mixing operations through game software.

After going to elementary school, he was not only astute and easy to become a primary school bully, but also a well-behaved and soft-hearted little boy.

But I don't know why, just this kind of typical "other people's children", but also rarely get the praise of parents, criticism and blame is commonplace:

He accidentally knocked over his drink while eating, and got a scolding: Why do you always have to do such a stupid thing?

He went out to drink, did not get to play with other children, and got a scolding: Why do you always look like a headless fly?

He would memorize pi many times in the first grade, and others couldn't help but boast: You are such a little genius! As a result, the person who praises him gets a few drops: don't always praise him, lest he not know his actual level and think that he is very good!

……

So he gradually became a less happy child. Observing his daily routine and study habits, you will see that the upward strength of a child's heart is gradually decreasing.

This is a hidden worry: his talent is fading, and he is slowly approaching an increasingly ordinary child.

Orange's parents are not alone. Some parents do not easily affirm their children, but criticism of their children comes with their mouths open. For them, their children are really full of shortcomings, which looks unpleasant, what is worth affirming?

Or do they have deep fears deep inside them: will they affirm him, praise him, and make him proud? Does it make him confused about who he is?

Parents have this idea, not entirely because of cognitive problems. Before many children go to primary school, parents have heard about the "Rosenthal" effect at the parent-teacher conference.

As many parents know, excessive criticism and denial of children will cause no small negative impact:

Make the child give up self-decision-making ability and over-identify with the parents. Children will feel that it is easy to be scolded for maintaining their own ideas and ways of acting, so it is better to listen to their parents for everything, learn to be obedient, and save losses.

Make the child's personality conditioned and solidified: The adult's eyes are like candlelight in the dark room, the illuminated part is one-sided, and the child's feelings about himself are modified and distorted, so that they are restricted and become unfree. The child is thus constructed by the adult. This deprives the child of the opportunity to develop autonomously, to move freely, to become himself.

Many parents accuse and criticize their children, the starting point is for the children's good, but the children's psychology is constantly frustrated, so that the children become more and more unconfident, feel worse and worse about themselves, shrink their hands and feet, and dare not try new things.

But even though parents know so much, why is it so hard to praise, encourage and affirm children?

There is no way to affirm the child's parents

Parents who can't affirm their children, but often belittle their children, need to find reasons in themselves, which is very necessary.

There are many parents who lack the ability to affirm their children, which is closely related to their own psychological development.

Parents who are not sure about their children are often not very satisfied with themselves.

They also have a hated inner child in their hearts, so if they project their dissatisfaction with themselves onto their children, they can become perfect.

Orange's father was often scolded when he was a child, and when he grew up, he became a picky father himself. If there are no children, this pickiness can only be directed at yourself.

There is also a kind of parent who cannot be sure that the child has an undifferentiated love in their hearts.

They tend to love their children very much. However, the more you love, the more you stare at the child's defects with wide eyes, and it is easy to criticize the number of children.

In fact, this is the way of language to penetrate the child, enter the child's heart, and integrate with the child.

This is equivalent to telling the child: You have to come according to my standards, you are me, and what you do is what I do. In this way, the parent enters the child's inner body, allowing the child to lose autonomy.

Therefore, in families where the boundaries are not clear, each individual lacks independence and wants to eliminate differences and differences, and there is no boundary between them. Perhaps, this is a manifestation of the blurring of the inner boundaries of many parents.

But some parents with independent personalities will know that their children are children and that they are themselves. They respect their child's independence and different ways of doing things, and they don't want to be integrated with their children in this way.

There is also a kind of parents who lack the ability to share love and easily block their emotions.

If your child scores a hundred, when expressing joy, he may say, "Mom and Dad, I scored a hundred points today!" ”

At this time, some parents may say lightly or seriously: "Don't be proud, there are people outside the people, there is a sky outside the sky." ”

I believe that in life, it is not uncommon for parents to make similar expressions.

Of course, children do not need parents to perfunctorily give a "you are excellent" evaluation, but need parents to communicate emotionally with their children from the heart. Such emotional exchange is the ability to share intimacy and love between two separate individuals.

But many parents cannot understand their children's euphoria and communicate on an emotional level. They are stingy with giving emotions, so they block out emotions.

Sincere appreciation and encouragement is often a display of tenderness. However, if a person's self-development is not too strong, there will be a sense of shame in showing tenderness.

So when gentleness and love are needed, they are often replaced by harshness.

As a result, they may often spur or even discourage children when it is time to encourage and affirm them.

There is also a kind of parent who has a subconscious level of competition with their children. For them, good children will frustrate their own narcissism, so they choose to see children as their opposites.

If parents subconsciously regard their children as their competitors, when they see their children performing well and achieving good grades, they will of course unconsciously find ways to strike at it.

Of course, there is also a manifestation of narcissistic frustration: if the child is excellent, it means that it may surpass the parents, then the parents cannot teach and reprimand.

It's a strong sense of frustration that manifests itself by constantly blaming and suppressing the child.

You can't imagine how big a child's world can be

Criticism and denial can easily hit a child's self-confidence, and if it is serious, it will ruin a child. But children who grow up in affirmations may grow up with a world much larger than many people think.

First of all, affirming the child does not mean simply praising the child, not advocating unconditional praise for the child, nor endorsing the abuse of praise.

Praising one aspect of a child often means denying other aspects of the child.

Parents praise their children because parents are seeking to align their children with their parents' values. But true appreciation and acceptance should exist on the basis of differences in value.

Second, praise is not just about words, it's more about an attitude.

Although many parents encourage and praise in language, they are not really accepting of their children, and children can be very sensitive to experience.

And verbal praise will give children misunderstandings and illusions, but the attitude of accepting trust is not easy to be misinterpreted.

Therefore, accepting and appreciating the child itself is more effective and more convincing than verbal praise.

If parents trust and identify with their children, are interested in their children, and are satisfied simply because of their healthy and happy existence, the children will feel very valuable from the bottom of their hearts, which is the premise of a person's journey to the wider world.

Finally, and most importantly, parents who can appreciate their children from the bottom of their hearts have done a good job of separating the subjects of life.

A father will complain about his children like this: "Why am I good in every way, and the child I have is such a big failure?" ”

He had a successful career, but had been alone with the children since his divorce and lacked emotional communication. Children are hooked on games and rarely communicate with him, and their learning problems are not small: boredom, refusal to write homework, poor grades, and missocation.

When you approach this child and try to communicate with him, you will find that he has a lot of inner loneliness and a desire to speak out to others. He was school-weary and depressed, but he was extremely imaginative and creative.

He needed to break through barriers and real-world difficulties and let himself be seen as a unique and valuable life by his father and others.

What suppresses and binds this child is the deep disapproval of the father's heart for a long time.

As a parent, it is more important to be able to see and accept this life as it is, without using it as a tool for self-transcendence and self-realization.

Whether the child is mediocre or excellent, it is worthy of the heartfelt affirmation of their parents. Every parent who is willing to truly appreciate and affirm their child is a hero in their child's life.

Author Nan Xiaoxi, the article is reproduced from Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio, nearly 2,000 original parent-child/gender/personal growth psychological articles, psychoanalytic learning, 7 years of companionship, less inner conflict, more spiritual freedom.