How is an independent child raised?

Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said that many Chinese-style families are often symbiotic relationships, with a blurred sense of boundaries, I have you, you have me, caught in a dead cycle.

In the name of love, some parents demand their children in a tight line, but in the final analysis, they just want to control their children and let them live according to the standards they set.

In the name of love, leaving no room for breaking through the boundaries of safety, not only gives the child the deepest harm, but also makes the child bear unimaginable pressure.

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Parents have no sense of boundaries, and children have long been "mentally dead"

"I'm about to suffocate!" What exactly can I decide, and can Mom and Dad listen to me? These are the words spoken by an eight-year-old boy while crying. Parents' self-righteousness often causes them to ignore their children's deep cries.

Control in the name of love, seemingly protective, actually creates a cage for the child, making the child's psychological world smaller and smaller, more and more reluctant to open. Excessive control will make children lose the opportunity to think independently and grow, and it is more difficult to cultivate children's ability to face future challenges.

Psychologist Li Xue once said: "A body can only bear one soul, if the parents' control is airtight, the child has actually died mentally." ”

The suffocating love of parents is like stuffing other substandard souls into the child's soul, and over time, the child loses not only the ability to know himself and the determination to face problems, but also the heart demon that cannot be shaken off for life.

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There is no sense of boundaries, stemming from parental control and anxiety

Parents see their children as everything in their lives, unreservedly giving all their love, blurring the boundaries of their children.

This kind of symbiotic relationship between you and me, I have you, regardless of each other, makes there is no buffer zone between parents and children, and once the child decides to leave, the world of parents will collapse.

When parents put excessive attention on their children, it is even more oppressive and offensive to their psychological boundaries, hindering their self-growth.

The stronger the parents' desire to control, the more in fact, the lack of inner security. The accompanying anxiety strikes at the already fragile parent-child relationship over and over again, prompting them to blur the boundaries between them and their children.

The stronger this love is, the more depressed the child becomes. Once the child tries to extend the independent tentacles, the parents' anxiety prompts them to continue to control the child more and more intensely, trapped in a dead cycle of insoluble solutions.

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The best parent-child relationship is just the right amount of love

No child can grow up overnight, and what they need is never to be in control, but parents have a sense of proportion in their hearts and learn to let go at the right time.

Sometimes, parents' thinking changes slightly, and what changes is the child's life.

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Not being a "quizist" for children

Many times, we have questions and answers for children, but invisibly extinguish the light of children's desire to explore, so that they cannot think and observe independently.

Success, Motivation and Purpose says that children aspire to happiness in belonging, growth in new things, and motivation in free choice.

Only through the child's perception and observation can the inner potential be stimulated. Letting go and letting children take the initiative to explore can let them grasp the direction of self-growth.

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Talk well and put an end to the "gas lamp effect"

"How are you so stupid, you can't even do this, can you learn XXX?" "Don't get it, you can't get it anyway." "What's the use of you, raising a pig is better than you!" ......

Parents are the closest people to the child, and your denial and contempt will constantly consume the child's will, and even let them indulge in inferiority complexes.

This method of slowly destroying children's self-perception in a degrading way is the famous "gas lamp effect" in psychology. Once you find this "shortcut" to control your child, you actually begin a journey of destruction in the name of love.

The mouth is an expression of love, not hurting each other. Talk to your child well, replace blame with encouragement, and replace criticism with praise, so that children can grow up confidently and brightly under the sun.

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Don't let your love become a dependence that your child can't quit

No matter how much they love their children, parents and children are always individuals with different souls, parents have their own lives, and they will have their own futures.

Don't let your love become a dependence that children can't quit, and become an obstacle to their spreading wings and flying.

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Parents should be measured in their hearts

The chicks will eventually leave the nest, as long as the parents have a sense of proportion in their hearts, guard the boundary between them and the child, and let the child let go of their own wonderful, it is not a beautiful thing.

Zhou Guoping said that the sense of proportion is a sign of mature love, which knows how to respect the necessary distance between people, and this distance means respect for each other as an independent personality.

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Every time he lets go, the child has more love and freedom in his heart

The love of parents has a sense of boundaries, and children have their own measure in their hearts, they will understand the bottom line of life, learn to be sensitive to words and deeds, live independently and with dignity, in order to better grasp life.

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Without cultivating the child's sense of boundaries, it is easy to grow into a giant baby

Chinese like to use "intimacy" to express their feelings for each other. The closer the person thinks, the closer the relationship should be. Psychology expert Wu Zhihong mentioned a concept in his new book "Giant Baby Country": 90% of people in China are still giant babies in terms of psychological model, and the family relationship model is maternal and infant symbiosis.

Why do children always wonder which things are their own affairs and which things are for their parents?

Why do parents always enjoy the big package and complain at the same time?

The crux of the matter is that we haven't built boundaries with our children!

In daily life, we often see such a phenomenon: buy a bottle of drink for the child, the mother said, come, let the mother taste it. So I put on a straw and the two shared it together.

This is actually a matter of no sense of boundaries.

The right thing to do is to ask your child beforehand, would you like to share it with your mother? After the child agrees, take another cup and pour it out. If the child doesn't agree to share, you go with it.

That's the sense of boundaries.

You want your child to know that the bottle of drink is owned by ta, not by the two of you.

Maybe you'll ask two questions:

"Isn't it stingy not to share?"

"Isn't it wasted if you can't finish drinking?"

Regarding the first point, in fact, generosity and stinginess are a trait of children. Some are born to like to share, some are born with a strong sense of self-property rights protection, there is no advantage or disadvantage, you can not force, can only guide afterwards. Moreover, when children gradually understand the importance of synergy, they naturally know how to share.

On the second point, you can tell your child that if you don't finish drinking this time, you will buy a smaller stick next time, or share it with your mother with your mother's consent.

That is to say, while the child enjoys power, he must also let him know the responsibility he should bear.

Do you think that such a small thing is worth solemnly saying?

Of course it is necessary, you look at the people running around the streets in their pajamas, the loud eaters in the restaurant, the nods who open their mouths and ask you how much you are paid... Their problem is not knowingly committing it, but it is that they simply don't feel that it is a problem.

Therefore, disregard for the sense of boundaries is a manifestation of unconsciousness, if not cultivated from an early age, it is inevitable to grow up to become a giant baby.

Parents' education without boundaries is "invasive" love! ----------------------------------

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In this way, parents can establish psychological boundaries with their children

So how should parents establish psychological boundaries with their children?

Three principles of secure boundaries

Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt your children, don't hurt the environment, these are the three principles of the safe boundary.

When establishing boundaries, we must first respect our own feelings, that is, what we can accept within the comfort range, but also see the child's current ability and the responsibility that can be assumed, not too high or too low to look at the child's ability, and let the child take responsibility too much or too little. Of course, our borders cannot harm the people and the environment around us. As long as such conditions are met, our borders are viable.

Second, ask yourself, is it to meet your own needs or to meet the needs of your children? Many times, parents are in order to meet their own narcissistic needs, or to alleviate their anxiety, or for their own face to excessive discipline of their children, arrange everything for their children. 、

Three specific practices for establishing a child's psychological boundaries

Respect the child's emotions and feelings, allowing the child to express emotions;

Allow children to have their own choices;

Take your child accountable for their actions.

When we give the child the opportunity to choose, you may worry that the child's life will take a detour, or will live unhappy, these worries are emotions within our boundaries, we need to digest and take responsibility for ourselves, and have nothing to do with the child.

What children have to do is to take responsibility for their own choices. When our children are really strong enough to take responsibility for their actions, what else is there to be afraid of in their lives? Because all the results and responsibilities he will accept, can adjust himself to face!

As children grow up, the psychological distance from their parents becomes farther and farther away. The process of growing up, that is, the process of psychological separation from parents. The more separated, the more independent the child is, which also means that the better the growth.

Raising children is actually the process of parents withdrawing from their children's lives with dignity.

May every parent be able to distinguish the boundaries of love, calmly let go, and let the child grow freely in relaxed and measured love.

An independent child starts by developing a sense of boundaries.

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