Wu Zhihong: The best expectation for children is "I believe in you"

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Everyone needs someone else to say to themselves, "You're good. The more important people tell you, 'You're good,' the more influential it becomes, especially when our selves are still weaker.

Suppose we compare feedback from the outside world to a mirror, then in all the mirrors, one side will have a huge influence on people, and this mirror is called "authority".

When an authoritative mirror says to a person whose self is weaker, "You are bad, you are bad, you are bad." "This destructive force is particularly enormous.

And for children, the most primitive and important authority is the parents. Therefore, parents' expectations of their children can affect their children to a great extent.

1

Our self-confidence comes from the expectations of those who are authoritative

The American psychologist Rosenthal did such an experiment:

In 1968, Rosenthal took his assistants to a rural elementary school, selected three classes for each grade from grades one through six, and conducted a "future development trend test" for students in these 18 classes. After that, he gave the school a list of the "most promising people" and told them to keep it a secret so as not to affect the correctness of the experiment.

This list accounts for 20% of the total number of students, but in fact, the students on the list are randomly selected, and Rosenthal does not look at the test results at all.

Eight months later, after testing the students of these 18 classes, it was found that the students on the list generally had a significant improvement in their grades, and they were more extroverted, and their self-confidence and curiosity had become stronger.

Rosenthal came up with a word — "authoritative lies." He believes that he is authoritative to the school, and the school is authoritative to the students, passing on the "lie" of "you have the most promising future" to the students who are the subjects of experiments, and eventually turning them into such people.

And, interestingly, these students did not receive clear verbal information, and the teachers influenced them through emotions, attitudes, rather than words. Not everyone's expectations can play a huge role in a living being, and in Rosenthal's experiments, it was the expectations of authority that exerted their power.

What is an authority? The one with power, the prestige, the one with the resources. In experiments like this one, principals and teachers have great authority over students, and they can judge a student's qualifications.

The most primitive and important authority is the parents. Therefore, it can be inferred that parents' expectations of their children can affect their children to a great extent.

What we usually say about self-confidence or self-expectation is actually the positive expectation of my parents. My parents believed in me, and this was internalized into my heart, forming the so-called "self-confidence".

It is extremely important to recognize this, so that you will know that your so-called "my thoughts", "my knowledge", and "my self-perception" are rarely from yourself, and many of them are influenced by authority, especially the influence of the initial authority of life such as your parents.

When this truth is understood particularly clearly, our originally stubborn self-consciousness of "who I am and how I am" can be loosened or even changed.

When self-awareness changes, you will see that your external destiny will also change with it.

2

What parents should expect from their children

One of our teachers in our Guangzhou studio, her son just graduated from Tsinghua University and went to the best universities in the United States for graduate school. More than twenty years ago, when her son was born, she consciously used the Rosenthal effect.

At that time, after the birth of her son, she felt that her husband loved to criticize people, and although she liked to praise others verbally, she was more harsh in her heart. She feared that her son would get too much criticism and disapproval from them.

So how do you solve this problem? She thought of a solution: what if she could find a nanny who sincerely liked her son?

Later, she did find such a nanny. The nanny liked her son in her heart, and when she saw the little one, she smiled and was very happy.

Although the nanny does not have much culture, her liking and full of happiness have brought her son a very good influence. It can even be said that this is the most precious gift that every child needs.

Conscious positive anticipation is not yet the best gift for a child. In fact, my parents' positive expectations of me were a burden on me, and it took me many years to see this in its entirety.

Too many levels better than positive expectations are full of likes. In fact, fate is who you will meet: you always meet noble people, that is, good fate; you always meet "decaying people", that is, bad luck. At the beginning of life, meeting such a person who likes you with all his heart is the best gift of fate.

Speaking of which, one might wonder: I expect my children to be remarkable, but why are my children so ordinary, even losers? This is because you consciously think that you are giving the child positive expectations, but your subconscious mind is passing on negative expectations to the child.

For example, a pessimistic father wants his children to be optimistic, and whenever his children are pessimistic, the father will say, "Why are you so pessimistic?" Why aren't you a little more optimistic? "This kind of expectation at the conscious level may have a role, but it is far less than the negative expectation at the subconscious level."

For the child, what he perceives is that he is always noticed by his father when he is pessimistic, and that the father is always belittling him. So, his feelings are: I am not liked, I am bad. As a result, it is difficult for him to be optimistic.

As for parents who expect their children to be excellent, it is a similar logic: they rarely really encourage and approve of their children, they are just criticizing their children for not being excellent, trying to force their children to become excellent.

Most of them will fail, and even if a few people succeed on the surface, the child will indeed become superior in external standards, but deep down they will become incomparably inferior. Because these children still experience, the expectation that parents throw at them is still "how can you be so bad".

In fact, when parents do this, they are unaware that they are defending their narcissism. When they hit their children, they experience this feeling: "Look, you're not as good as me. I should have had a better child, he was worthy to be my child, and you, really bad! ”

When parents maintain narcissism in this way, it is conceivable that the cost is expensive.

3

The best thing to expect is "I believe in you"

The desire for self-actualization is our expectation of life; the Rosenthal effect is what authorities expect of us. What kind of connection and contradiction will be formed between the two?

It's best if what authority figures expect of you and what you expect of yourself. At this time, your life force will naturally arise, and there will not be many contradictions. Conversely, if the expectations of authority figures for you and your expectations of yourself contradict each other, or even the exact opposite of the force, then you will become very difficult to deal with.

Every life wants to be itself, which is the most natural voice, and if the expectations of authoritative figures such as parents are also such a voice, it is a blessing for a person.

The American psychologist Kohut coined a term , "affection without temptation, " that the most beautiful emotion between people is that I deeply understand and accept you without setting any conditions for you. Condition is temptation. Temptation, that is, you have to meet the conditions I set for me to give you emotions.

The realm of affection without temptation is too high, but in fact, even if it is some temptation, as long as there is affection.

The movie "The Day After Tomorrow" tells about a male scientist who has read countless books, and some people are curious about how he did it. He said that the initial habit of reading was formed: his father would throw him a book before each business trip, and when he returned from a business trip, he would discuss the contents of the book with him.

In this story, the book is not only a temptation, but also a medium and bridge for building an emotional connection between father and son. He loved reading so much later, in fact, he felt his father's love through reading. In my opinion, this is one of the most profound experiences. If you continue to experience what affection is, you will find that your life force will continue to gush out, and you will become full and abundant as a result.

The most important thing in life is these three propositions:

(1) Narcissism, that is, being yourself;

(2) Meet the expectations of others;

(3) Transcend narcissism and meet the expectations of others, and experience the affection of connection.

In simpler philosophical terms, the child should be himself and at the same time look for support from his parents. And once the child has a complete connection with the parents, then both parties can be proved.

If parents can give their children enough sense of holding, let their children experience the affection from their parents, and gain enough sense of security, they can let their children fully and safely develop themselves in this affection, feel their vitality, and make life full and abundant.

"Having a Life You Decide: Living Your Own Story"

Author: Wu Zhihong

Publisher: Mill Iron Books