There is a saying in psychology: "Man is always moving in the direction of being encouraged!" "Rather than belittling, denying, and hitting, unconditional encouragement gives children the confidence to work hard and the courage to overcome difficulties."
First, rosenthal experiment proves that every child needs "positive expectations"
Many parents complain: children are more and more reluctant to communicate with us, why?
It may be that the child begins to have his own little secret, or it may be that the child is more willing to chat with his peers, and more often because the parent lacks communication skills between parents and children, resulting in more and more estrangement of parent-child relationship.
Maybe there will be parents who are not convinced, who will not talk!
But, to recall, how did you communicate with your child?
When the child is sad, you are not comforted but say: "This little setback, what is there to cry!" ”
When a child makes a mistake, instead of teaching, he says, "If you do this again, you can't go out to play during the holidays!" ”
When the child succeeds, you do not congratulate but say: "This time the test is good, but don't be proud!" ”
If you were a child and you wanted to talk about your heart, to be comforted, or to share your joy with others, would you want to get such a dismissive, threatening, or flirtatious reply?
The original intention of parents to say these words may be to restrain their children and urge them to be motivated.
What is the actual situation? These skeptical questions, incredulous investigations, self-righteous judgments, are conveyed to the child — I don't believe you're going to work hard, I don't believe you can control yourself.
In fact, if you trust the child unconditionally and encourage the child in a timely manner, the child will surprise you.
Why is that?
In 1968, the famous psychologist Rosenthal and his team came to an elementary school and handed over a list of highly intelligent students to the teacher. In fact, this list of students is drawn up at random.
However, the teachers who were kept in the dark developed a very positive emotion for the "high-IQ students", and the words, smiles and eyes were full of appreciation and affirmation.
After 8 months, all the students who were included in the list not only improved their grades quickly, but also had a cheerful personality, a strong desire to learn, and a particularly deep relationship with the teacher.
Rosenthal experiments have proved that human emotions and concepts are affected to varying degrees by the subconscious action of others.
And children's understanding and evaluation of themselves often come from parents first.
If parents believe that their children are great and often encourage them, the children will be motivated and will most likely meet the expectations of parents.
On the contrary, if parents always doubt and deny their children and hurt their children's self-esteem, the children will be afraid of failure and dare not try, so that they can really become the very bad child in the mouth of the parents.
Please stop belittling, denying, and hitting children! Because the positive evaluation of parents is the biggest motivation for children to work hard.
Second, psychologists' surprising findings: encouragement/praise/reward/bribery, the effect is very different
Children need positive feedback, just as plants need water.
However, when really facing children, parents do not know what to say, as if they will only say "you are awesome" and "really smart";
Or "10 places in the exam, I reward you with a toy gun";
There is also "memorize 10 words a day, take you out on summer vacation"...
Are these words wrong? It doesn't seem to be either.
Over time, you will find that these correct words do not seem to have any effect on the child.
Why is this happening? Because you confuse encouragement, praise, and rewards or bribes.
Developmental psychologist Carol Dweck and her team did a long-term study of 400 fifth-graders: having the children independently complete a series of puzzle tasks.
In the first round of experiments, the test questions are very simple.
Almost all the children were able to complete the task quite well, and then the children were divided into two groups:
A group of children gets a compliment, or praise, about IQ, such as "You're talented at puzzles, you're smart";
One group of children gets a compliment about hard work, or encouragement, such as "You must have worked very hard just now, so you did a great job."
In the second round of experiments, there are two different difficulty tests to choose from.
90% of the children who were encouraged in the first round of tests chose more difficult tasks.
In the third round of the test, the test questions were very difficult, and the children failed.
Children who received different praises reacted very differently to failure — those who were encouraged to work hard believed that the cause of failure was that they didn't work hard enough.
In the fourth round of testing, the difficulty of the questions was restored to simplicity.
Those who were encouraged had scores about 30 percent higher than the first time; those who were praised, scored about 20 percent less than the first time.
This famous test proves that the results of "encouragement" and "praise" are very different!
Praise is usually aimed at results and results, children will attribute success to talent, easy for children to avoid taking the risk of failure and not to meet more difficult challenges;
Encouragement is usually directed at process and attitude, and children will attribute success to acquired efforts and will be more willing to try new challenges.
The reward is a positive behavior for the child, which is a surprise for the child.
Studies have found that rewards are given regardless of how a child performs, and that rewards diminish interest; if rewards are associated with a child's performance, rewards make children enjoy the task more.
Bribes are directed at the child's negative behavior.
For example, in the mall, the child and the mother quarreled, in order to get rid of the current dilemma as soon as possible, the helpless mother said to the child: "You are no longer playing, I will buy you that toy." ”
Why is it recommended to encourage children more? Because encouragement can give the child the feeling that he can control the success, can cultivate the child's perception of "I have the ability, I can contribute, I can influence what happens to me, I can know how I should respond".
Third, how to say that we can really encourage children? Learn to "Encourage the 5 Steps"
How can we really encourage children and inspire confidence and courage from the inside out? Sarah, a certified instructor of the American Positive Discipline PDA, introduced the encouragement 5 steps for your reference.
1. Descriptive encouragement
Descriptive encouragement is as simple as expressing the behavior of the child you see and hear, and it often sounds like "I see..." or "I notice..."
For example, I would say to my son, "I noticed that after you finished class in the morning, you would play guitar for half an hour and read a book for half an hour, exactly as you planned." ”
Some parents find this kind of encouragement very simple and often used, such as saying to their children, "I noticed that your homework is well and fast, or you cleaned up your room well." ”
This is a pit that many parents are particularly prone to fall into - in trying to encourage their children's language, grafted on a lot of their own subjective views and judgments on this matter, children will feel a little bit of taste after hearing it, and it is not encouraging.
2. Appreciative encouragement or appreciative encouragement
This encouragement often sounds like "Thank you..." or "I appreciate you..."
For example, "I appreciate that you don't spend money on equipment when you play games", or "Thank you for playing chess with your brother while your mother cooks".
You can also add some of your own feelings, or express the benefits of your child's behavior, such as "So I can cook steadily", or "I feel warm and feel your love".
How will the child feel at this time? He must feel that he has a way to manage his pocket money, or that he has the ability to take care of his brother, and that he is a capable and loving person.
Children can feel a sense of belonging and value at home, full of confidence in themselves, and full of courage for life and the future.
3. Empowering encouragement
This encouragement in particular stimulates the child's inner strength, which often sounds like "I believe in you... Because..." or "I have faith in you, I can... Because last time..."
When using empowering encouragement, don't forget to add a small piece of evidence to the end of why you believe in your child and why you have confidence in your child to support your words.
If your child is about to take the college entrance examination, you can say, "I believe you will be able to get the ideal result." Because I noticed that you were studying hard and preparing for the exam for several nights in a row, I was full of confidence in you. ”
You can also say to the child: "I have confidence in you that I will be able to arrange my own play time, because the day before yesterday and yesterday you strictly abided by our agreement on play time." ”
Children will be very proud of themselves when they listen to these empowering words, thinking that they must have the ability and method to manage their video game time well, or to cope well with the next exam.
4. The "4R Rule" for Repairing Relationships
The first 3 ways of encouragement are applicable to when the parent-child relationship is very smooth and there is no problem.
If the relationship between the parent and the child is a little tense, or the parent has just criticized the child, then it is necessary to repair the relationship with the child first, and then give the child encouragement on a deeper level.
Here's where the fourth tool that effectively encourages children is used: the "4Rs" for repairing relationships.
The first "R" refers to "recognize", admitting one's mistakes.
Parents should remember that mistakes are a great opportunity to learn, and do not let themselves fall into emotions of self-blame and guilt.
The second "R" refers to "responsibility" and takes responsibility for yourself.
Tell your child about your behavior, such as "I yelled at you," instead of telling your child how he feels.
The third "R" refers to "reconcile", reconciling with the child and sincerely apologizing to the child without any excuses.
The 4th "R" refers to "resolve by focusing on solutions", solving problems by looking for solutions.
Parents and children can brainstorm and discuss a mutually respectful agreement to solve the problem at hand, or to prevent problems that may occur in the future.
This in itself is very encouraging, the child feels that he is respected, treated equally, his ideas, feelings and suggestions are recognized by the parents, and can also develop self-confidence, self-reliance, self-esteem, and the ability to solve problems independently.
5. Heuristic questioning
Parents are always accustomed to telling their children what to do, what ideas they should have, etc., and are often resisted by their children.
Scientific studies have shown that when you hear imperative language, the muscles of the body involuntarily feel stiff, and the heart will resist. When asked a heuristic question, the instinct is to turn your brain around and think hard.
Heuristic questioning is to believe in the child, throw the question to the child, and cause the child to think, including "how do you think", "how do you do it", "the next time we encounter the same problem, what should we do better"...
Heuristic questioning allows children to discover multiple ways to solve problems, stimulating more abilities and inner strength.
Not everyone is born with these encouragement methods, because we do not have this part of learning in our growing memories, so please practice the 5 steps of encouragement in our lives.
Perhaps at the beginning, parents will feel unaccustomed to talking, talking and talking, these words of encouragement flow out of the heart like flowing water, giving the child inner strength and encouraging the child to face life with confidence.