Love doesn't need a reason, but it needs a method.
Correct recognition of children can make children's learning and life enter a positive cycle and obtain healthy and sustained upward motivation.
01
Your little recognition,
Maybe it's the world of children
Parents love their children very much, are willing to help their children find problems, point out where the children are not doing well, what are the shortcomings -
This question is actually done wrong, too careless
Get up so late every day, procrastinate, what to do later
Take the initiative to say hello to your aunt, how can you be so rude
Many parents are confused, and I often say: "Kids you are awesome!" "But the kids didn't get great.
Come to think of it, these "you're awesome" are most of the time unobtrusive.
And those "you are too careless" and "I have said it so many times, do you still not understand? "Both specific and poignant, like a thorn, straight to the child's atrium."
In 1968, the American psychologist Rosenthal conducted an experiment on 18 classes of children in a rural elementary school in the United States.
They first conducted a "future trend test" on the children, but did not really calculate the scores and results.
Instead, they randomly selected some students, told the school that the children had more developmental potential, and told them to keep it a secret.
Eight months later, after testing, it was found that students who had previously been randomly judged to be potential were more extroverted, more confident, and more intellectually curious.
This was later named an "authoritative lie" by Rosenthal, who was authoritative to the school authorities and the schools to the students.
For most children, parents are their first authority. The approval of parents will profoundly affect the child's life.
In psychology, because every child subconsciously loves their parents, they will internalize their parents' evaluations into their own evaluations.
In childhood, because our knowledge and understanding of ourselves and the outside world are very limited, we do not know how to evaluate ourselves, and we can only turn to our parents.
If our parents affirm us, we can affirm ourselves and gradually grow self-confidence;
If our parents deny us, we will start all over again and reinvent ourselves; if we have not been affirmed, we will begin to doubt ourselves.
The famous Taiwanese writer Sanmao once wrote in "The Battle of a Lifetime": "The greatest sorrow in my life is not to earn the whole world, but to please appreciate me." "This you are her father."
Writer Sanmao
Later, her father saw the article and wrote: "I am very touched and deeply proud that there is such a grass around me." ”
Sanmao burst into tears and returned: "Waiting for your words, I have waited for a lifetime, until today you said it yourself, only to erase my inferiority and lack of heart that I can never erase in this family." ”
There are too many children in this world like Sanmao, because when they were young, they did not get the approval of their parents, and their hearts collapsed into a hole, and they were yearning for life.
Not every child is as strong as Sanmao, they may be confused, wandering, and eventually labeled as unconfident and unproductive, which is a pity.
So, don't underestimate the power of approval.
When did you formally, seriously, and concretely endorse your child?
02
The bad of this world
They already felt it
Recall carefully, when the child has just learned to walk and has just learned to speak, what kind of state are you in?
Your eyes will certainly overflow with love, repeatedly encouraging him, praising him, comforting him.
As a result, the child will continue to try hard, because he knows that no matter what he does, his mother will not blame him.
In our cultural context, modesty and prudence are revered and sung for thousands of years, but this is outdated.
When the child grows up a little, the parents suddenly begin to be afraid, afraid of the child's pride, they hide their approval;
Afraid that the child does not understand the sinister world, he takes the initiative to play the sinister - to give the child pressure, and constantly warn the child that competition is cruel and life is not easy.
In fact, children are not stupid. School is not heaven, teachers are not angels, and bus drivers don't smile every day. The badness of this world, they can already feel it.
Lu Qin, a famous mainland educator and "confidant sister", once compared each child to an egg:
There are two ways to open the egg, one is to apply pressure from the outside to break the egg, and the other is to warm the egg from the inside, and when the chick is born, the egg is opened.
Opening from the outside is food, opening from the inside is life; so are children, who need encouragement, acceptance, and recognition more than too much stress.
Correctly recognizing children is a technical job.
Carol Dweck, a well-known psychologist at Stanford University, conducted a 10-year experiment on 400 students at 20 schools in New York, and the results were thought-provoking.
First, she let the children play very simple jigsaw puzzles.
Then give the group A children "you are smart" praise, and the group B children give "you must have worked hard" encouragement.
As the difficulty increased, the children in group A and group B began to have very different performances.
Group A Is praised as a smart child ▼
It's easier to form a "fixed mindset": "You're smart" conveys the meaning behind it – because you're smart, you're successful.
In order to maintain a smart evaluation, children will be more inclined to act conservatively, and when they encounter difficulties, they are more likely to feel frustrated and doubt themselves.
Group B Children who are exaggerated for their efforts ▼
It's easier to form a "developmental mindset": "You work hard" Conveys the meaning behind it – because of the effort, so you succeed.
Without unnecessary pressure, children are more confident, more willing to try, and will not give up easily.
Teacher Lu Qin said: "For children, failure is not the mother of success, success is." ”
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