Forcing a self-demanding person to die is simple, praise him

Yesterday I showed the daughter of a relative, and this relative told me that my daughter is the kind of daughter who won the lottery, and she does not have to whip herself, the only thing is that her personality is very easy to be nervous and anxious. Although the mother has always been very skillful in adopting the encouraging way of getting along, seizing an opportunity to boast, she still feels that the child's ideological burden is heavy, the heart is like being held tightly by a hand, and the inferiority side is often drilled out - good grades, and praise every day, should not be ah!

First of all, part of the congenital reason can not run - the girl's plate capricorn and virgin energy is particularly heavy.

The other side of the earth elephant people's pragmatism and emphasis on specific feedback is that it is easy to be controlled by the outside world, it is difficult to be light, Capricorn's mind is heavy and afraid of failure, and the virgin's self-harshness and habitual criticism are a bit depressing.

One

I recently saw a good book, Eileen Kennedy-Moore's "Learning to Accept Yourself, Helping Children Transcend Inferiority and Move Toward Self-Confidence," which I think is important to share — mom's praise, not necessarily medicine, may exacerbate the problem.

Some people are very afraid of standing still, or are particularly worried that a highlight moment in their past will become history once and for all—and will never be surpassed for the rest of their lives. In this case, the praise of others (especially relatives and friends) will only aggravate their anxiety and tension.

"You're so good!" The subtext behind it is: you have to stay that good. So these people immediately thought, "So what should I do next time I don't perform so well?" This thought immediately buried all their vitality and joy like an avalanche.

I remember a psychologist who did an experiment and invited some children to draw, and then said to them separately, "You are so beautiful that it is unbelievable!" Some of these children, who are extremely confident by nature, are strongly encouraged, and the next one immediately chooses more complex paintings to challenge;

Other introverted and cautious children, the second time, chose a much simpler painting than before. (Sustaining the results is more important than anything else)

Later, psychologists interviewed this part of the "modest" children, "What do you feel like to hear praise?" Several children said nervously, "I think it's a bit of an exaggeration, I don't seem to be that good." And I'm not sure if I can always paint so well. ”

This brings us back to some of the sources of anxiety: for people of some personalities, success is more anxious than failure, because they feel that their success is both unexpected and dangerous. The attention and praise that the highlight moment attracts is a threat — so many people see me and applaud me, then my performance must be maintained at this level in the future, and once it gets worse, then I will not be humiliated on a wider scale.

At the beginning, the daughter of the relative was not very appreciative of the frequent praise, and this was the reason why I interviewed it.

Two

The book also gives a solution.

As a senior Virgo of the Southern Node of the Moon (which can be understood as the Virgo of the previous life), I think it is good according to my own experience:

In the face of people who hold this anxiety, do not always persuade them to relax, they can't do it at all; they should guide them to practice repeatedly: stop paying so much attention to themselves. "True self-acceptance, not thinking I'm good, or that I'm special, real self-acceptance is not asking if I'm good enough."

When you are talking and laughing with a group of friends, you don't keep thinking "Is my voice beautiful, is my wording accurate, am I talking a lot, are they attracted to me", you will only focus on the progress of one topic after another, the push and pull of everyone's brain waves, such a situation makes you feel relaxed.

Therefore, if you want not to be anxious, you have to keep yourself in this state of not evaluating yourself at all.

Psychologist Heidi Weiman gave this state a name, and it is quite vivid, called "self-quietness". I believe that people who often torture themselves and often think of self-evaluation understand this state - that is, I am doing everything, that is, I am not thinking about what I have just done right, how today's state is not good, whether there is progress in the business, why I still have not found a clear self, why I rain as soon as I go out. These ghost questions.

Writing this, I suddenly felt that the best teacher was in front of me: on the lawn in front of me at this moment, on the lawn in front of me, on the left side of a black-headed and white-faced bird with a strange look, on the right hand side was an old crow with an absurd cry, and there were toads and flowers with donkeys' heads that were not in the horse's mouth, and they were so open to their existence, whether there was any applause or insult, they were not considering whether they were the best in their kind, and whether they could grow into the mainstream a little the next reincarnation.

They deserve to be so happy.

Three

Astrology master Steven Forrest described the Virgo energy with this sentence:

The Virgo mind is like a high-resolution negative, and every detail of life is as conspicuous as the flash of water. She constantly improves herself, examining herself with a cruel and clear eye that no other zodiac sign can dissect herself so cruelly.

Why? Because there is no sign more eager to grow than the person of this sign.

Everyone has twelve signs in their astrolabe, and there must be Virgo energy, nothing more than some people are more, some people are less, and the fields of life they fall into are different - which means that in this field you are particularly eager to grow, but also evaluate yourself with great frequency.

The desire to grow is true, but the compulsive, constant self-analysis it brings, and constantly falling into patterns of doubt and uncertainty can also pull an energetic person to low levels of energy, sometimes losing the joy and value of being alive.

Some of the relatives and partners of Virgo classmates are often tired by their pickiness, irritability and nitpicking, but in fact, Virgo herself is more painful - being picky about others stems from being picky about yourself, and he takes you relatives as part of himself. You are part of "me", and if you are not perfect, doesn't that mean that I am not perfect?

So Virgo likes to blame others, which can be seen as some form of self-protection, a projection of not accepting their own mistakes - if it is caused by you, it is caused by force majeure, "I" is nothing wrong, and the integrity is preserved.

When confronted with their pickiness, you can try to replace anger with sympathy, and behind the minute of criticizing you is the ten years they have been criticizing themselves.

So, if you're not going to execute or discard the Virgos around you, take the magnifying glass from their hands and throw them aside to encourage them to unleash the other two Virgo energies:

The improvement of professional skills and the spirit of service to others.

It's all a virgin's innate instinct, and it's all outward—detached from self-concern.

The flow of heart brought by the former and the selflessness brought by the latter can relieve their anxiety and worry.

In addition, in the face of down-to-earth and introverted earth elephant people, it is best to praise in a way that is more in line with their tastes, such as praising in detail for a small feature, appearing sincere and intentional; objectively and pertinently praising for the real level, increasing credibility; focusing on the improvement of technology and ability to praise, more mentioning "compared to the last progress", rather than "success and first place".

Such praise can make the self-motivated earth elephant people, not to be praised, can stop a little to catch their breath, and purely enjoy the joy of progress.

-End-

Today's sub-article is a wonderful health ingredients & niche snacks to share, 13 kinds, there will be a heartfelt love:

Just hoarding rice flour oil is not banned, and in the middle of the night you will be hungry enough to bounce out of bed. (Don't ask me how I know.) Coordinates Shanghai. ）