When the water is full, it overflows, and it is too late, and the same is true for educating children.
If you do not grasp the degree of good things you say and do, it is easy to trigger the "over-limit effect", resulting in the child's "more and more anti-control".
In a variety show "Teenagers Say", a boy came on stage and cried that he did not want to eat apples and eggs in his life.
Because since elementary school, his mother has asked him to eat one apple every day, and he has eaten a total of 2190 in six years of elementary school.
After graduating from elementary school, he was finally not required to eat apples, and his mother began to ask him to eat eggs instead, eating a year and a half, a total of 547.5 eggs.
He concluded by saying:
"Mom, although apples and eggs are very nutritious, I never want to eat apples and eggs again in my life!"
What a terrible experience it is for a child to be forced to eat an apple or an egg every day, an apple for 6 years and an egg for 1.5 years!
There is an "over-limit effect" in psychology, which refers to the psychological phenomenon of too much stimulation, too strong or too long-term action, which causes extreme psychological impatience or rebellion.
I've also heard of a way to quit gaming addiction by locking your child in a room and having to play for as long as you want to play each day.
As a result, it didn't take long for many children to stand it, and even said that they would never want to play games again, which was actually the use of the "overrun effect".
No matter how delicious the food, it will be tired of eating every day.
After eating for a while, I see that I may not be able to link this food with the word "gourmet", and I may even feel disgusted.
The parents' motivations are certainly for the good of the children, but the parents' actions are not necessarily right.
There is such a common phenomenon in current family education:
Under the banner of "everything is for your own good", parents hope that their children can fully accept their own arrangements, but ignore or even completely ignore their own feelings and thoughts.
Love that does not take into account the child's feelings is a poison for the child.
The "overrun effect" pit pit misunderstanding
1. Repeatedly urge your child to do something
After the child came home from school, the mother's work began...
Mom:
"When did you start writing your homework?"
"When exactly are you going to play before you're willing to do your homework?"
"Can you give me a quick time to write my homework, I can't finish it later!"
"Don't hurry up and write your homework!"
"It's already nine o'clock, and you can't finish it tonight without writing!"
"It's already twelve o'clock, how long will you have to finish writing?"
"Let you write early, don't listen, you should write so late!"
......
child:
"I've got cocoons growing in my ears and I'm bored!"
2. Repeat the big truth
Mom:
"I tell you, if you don't study well, you won't be able to find a good job in the future."
"If you don't study now, you'll only be sad in the future!"
"Learning is too important for children, knowledge changes destiny!"
"Look at your cousin, after graduating from The Heavy Book, how good is the job now!"
"You have to work hard and learn from good people!"
"If you don't understand it at school, you have to take the initiative to ask the teacher if you know?"
......
3. Eat more things that are good for your child
Mom:
"Eating an egg every morning can supplement protein."
"Drink milk to supplement calcium, you are now growing up, drink every day!"
"This dish is nutritious, eat more!"
"This soup is super nutritious, you drink more!"
"I tell you, one apple a day, the pain is far away from me, eat more!"
......
"Eat more" reminds me of a story.
The famous Russian writer Krylov wrote a famous fable called "Jamyan's Soup".
Jamie Young was so hospitable that one day, when a friend came to visit from afar, Jamie Young was so happy that he personally cooked his best dish, a large pot of delicious fish soup.
My friend drank the first bowl, felt that the taste of fish soup was indeed delicious, and praised Jamie Young's cooking skills.
Jamie Young advised him to drink the second bowl, the second bowl was down, and his friend was a little too much, and he was sweating profusely.
But Jamie Young did not perceive the dissatisfaction of his friend and still vigorously "persuaded the soup".
The friend finally couldn't bear it, dropped the bowl, flicked his sleeve and left, never daring to come to the door again.
Is it wrong for Jamie Young to cook himself in order to entertain friends who have come from afar?
Is there something wrong with asking a friend to drink more soup?
In fact, there is nothing wrong with it, but he ignores the "over-limit effect".
When the friend is full, Jamie Young still continues to persuade him to drink, whether physically or psychologically, which brings great pressure to the friend.
In the same way, is it wrong for parents to want their children to eat more healthy and nutritious foods?
There is no mistake, but if the child is frequently advised to "eat more, eat more, eat more", it will often cause the child's psychological impatience and rebellion.
Parents discipline their children, and they must control everything they say and do.
Exceeding this degree will cause dissatisfaction, and the result will be thankless.
Some parents will say:
"Then if I don't urge him, he won't write his homework!"
If I don't stress the importance of learning to him more, where will he know to study seriously?
If I don't let him eat more, he will definitely eat a bite and not eat, so how bad! ”
There are not a few parents with these doubts, so let's talk about how to guide the child to do what he should do without triggering the "over-limit effect". (Please take a hard look, what you learn is your own!) ）
First point: Remind 1-2 times.
The meaning of the reminder is not to ask, but to inform, "I told you that there are still things that have not been done."
For example, the child's study, homework, sleep, get up and other things that belong to him, parents should not overstep their own.
When we are anxious about his things, the child himself does not need to be anxious, because he can't finish his homework, and his parents will be more anxious than him.
If he goes to bed late at night, he will have his parents accompanying him; if he can't get up in the morning, his parents will urge him, and if he still can't get up, his parents will have to help him take leave...
When one day the child becomes a person who does not care about his own learning and physical health, the parents do not need to be surprised, nor do they have to feel aggrieved and innocent, because the child's appearance is exactly what the parents themselves have drawn out.
If you don't want your child to be like that, then from now on, stop replacing and doing things.
What should I do if my child comes home from school and does not take the initiative to study?
Remind him once:
"Boy, I think you can now go write your homework, and if you finish it early, you'll have more time to do what you want to do, and of course, you can make your own decisions."
This reminder is not only "you should write your homework at this time", but also "you have the right to decide your business".
So what if you remind your child once or continue to do your own thing?
Reminder second time:
"Boy, it's X o'clock now, shouldn't you go and do your homework?"
If the child has not been over-substituted and arranged from an early age, then two reminders are enough.
If the child still does not do it after 2 reminders, then the parents should not remind again.
As the saying goes, "nothing is too much", if the child wants to write homework, remind him 2 times that he should have written it earlier.
If he does not want to do it, and the parents continue to remind and urge, the child will be irritable, more reluctant to write homework, or reluctantly perfunctory under the pressure of the parents.
In the latter case, when the child enters adolescence, he is no longer afraid of the oppression of his parents, and no matter what the parents say, they will be bitter and their mouths will be broken, and the child will not do it.
When the child is admitted to college, he begins to release himself, hanging up subjects in the university or even repeating grades, and finally he can't even get a diploma.
Therefore, parents must not discipline their children's behavior, but to correctly shape their children's thinking.
The second point: deal with things as they are, don't turn over old accounts
When many parents discipline their children, it is easy to spread the topic "from point to point".
For example, a parent saw that the child's clothes were not folded, and he began to say that from the clothes were not folded, he did not like to be clean, the room was messy and did not clean up, and he kept saying that the child was not serious about doing things and had a poor learning attitude.
It was originally a very small thing, the clothes were not folded, then the parents guided the child to clean up the clothes.
But this mother continued to expand things, said a lot, and the result triggered the "over-limit effect", and finally the child threw the door and yelled: "Anything can pull my learning." ”
It is conceivable that in such an extremely impatient situation, how can a child clean up his clothes and room well?
Therefore, when parents teach their children to do their own things well, do not continue to extend the topic, and do not constantly accuse their children of being bad here, not good there, and not doing a good job.
Solving only one problem at a time, the more questions the parents say, the less acceptable the child is.
Gibran wrote a passage in The Prophet:
Your children are not your children.
They are the children born of life's desire for itself...
What you can give them is your love, but not your thoughts, because they have their own thoughts.
Click "watching", from today onwards, learn to let go, let go of the control of the child;
Let the child have his own space and time, let him become himself, not a copy of his parents.