Author | Fan Deng Reading · Three points of water
Anchor | Fan Deng Reading · Yang Gun Gun
Wu Zhihong, a well-known psychologist, once proposed a theory - "paste logic".
What is paste logic? Teacher Wu Zhihong answered our Famous Chinese survival saying: It is rare to be confused.
It means that in our paste-like interpersonal relationships, if we have to divide things too clearly and everything too realistically, there will be big problems, so it is almost enough.
Corresponding to the paste logic is boundary consciousness.
The most straightforward explanation of boundary consciousness is "I am me, you are you; your things need my help, and you tell me that I do my business without too much interference from others." ”
Many embarrassing scenes in life, playing the emotional card of "for your own good" and "not being an outsider", are actually destroying the sense of boundary.
Writer Zhou Guoping once said:
All interactions have an insurmountable final boundary, and all troubles and conflicts arise from the desire to break through this boundary.
What is the sense of boundaries that everyone is talking about? Why is it so important?
Writer Zhang Meng once said:
In the process of communication, according to the preferences of the other party to set up a forbidden area, for the topic in the forbidden area, can avoid it.
There is a saying: kissing can not be mother and child, but close to husband and wife.
In the divine drama "Parental Love" with a Douban score of 9.5, Jiang Defu and Anjie have an enviable relationship with each other for decades.
In addition to mutual appreciation, they also understand that the sense of boundaries between husband and wife cannot be crossed.
Anjie's eldest brother and sister-in-law have always been very attentive to the officer's brother-in-law, Jiang Defu.
Once, when the family visited relatives on the island, they actually wanted Jiang Defu, who was the commander, to arrange for his daughter to become a soldier.
Although Anjie welcomed the arrival of her mother's family, she also complained to Jiang Defu that they had to advance and did not know that they were satisfied.
How did Jiang Defu do it? He just listened to his wife's nagging in silence and did not take a stand.
Anjie asked Jiang Defu, "Why don't you talk?" ”
Jiang Defu said: "You asked me to talk badly about your mother's family with you?" I'm not fooled. You say yes yourself, and if I say it, you don't want to. ”
Anjie looked at the man in front of him affectionately, and his eyes showed unconcealed appreciation, and he smiled and replied: "I know my wife Mo Rufu."
Seeing this, I have to lament Jiang Defu's high emotional intelligence, and also fully demonstrate the tolerance and respect for his wife and her family.
If Jiang Defu had followed Anjie's words at that time, Anjie would definitely be very uncomfortable in his heart.
Her complaining will shift to her husband, the quarrel will be triggered, and the relationship will crack.
Romain Rolland said:
The so-called happiness is to know the boundaries of a person and love this boundary.
In the face of a sense of boundaries, intimacy is relative.
When intimacy overrides a sense of boundary, it is a violation.
In the animal world, you will often see animals large and small, fighting to protect their territory and the chance to survive and reproduce.
Humans are advanced animals and also have a strong sense of territory, which is often referred to as a "sense of boundaries".
This sense of boundaries is not limited to age and identity, but is also the most easily overlooked and confused concept in interpersonal relationships.
In the comic "Holding the Stick Yourself", which is highly recommended by Teacher Wu Zhihong, there are several stories that tell the sense of boundary in the parent-child relationship.
Among them, the article where parents give their children "pseudo-freedom" tells the story of a mother who made a promise before her daughter's college entrance examination:
If you are admitted to a key undergraduate, you will be given a reward of 30,000 yuan and can be freely disposed of.
The daughter played very well, and the mother also fulfilled her promise and gave her a reward of 30,000 yuan.
However, when the daughter wanted to use the prize money to buy a designer bag, she was strongly opposed by her mother.
The mother and daughter had a difference of opinion, and the mother said: "How old are you, such a luxury is too much!" ”
The daughter was puzzled: "Isn't it what you said I can dispose of freely?" ”
In fact, this is a sense of boundaries playing the emotional card, and it is also a problem often encountered in parenting.
If you do not establish a sense of boundaries for your child from an early age and do not let her learn to grow independently, she will gradually lose her autonomy in the future.
Leaving aside, the mother's view is right or wrong.
But what is certain is that the so-called "free ownership" is actually to make the child's choice match his own hope.
Luke, the lead writer of "Hold the Stick Yourself," said:
A healthy parent-child relationship necessarily includes two motifs, namely "love and separation."
Separation here refers to the sense of boundary in the parent-child relationship.
Establishing a sense of boundaries helps to develop an independent, sound personality, and to understand that they are an independent individual with their own "territory and sovereignty."
Territorial consciousness is also a sense of sovereignty, which does not change due to age and relationship, but is an innate instinct.
Psychologist Hartman argues:
People who have a solid mental boundary always put everything in order, putting feelings, thoughts, and material objects in their place.
The sense of boundaries, though not tangible, can be seen everywhere in life.
There are borders between countries.
You can't see that the scenery over there is beautiful from the other side, or hear that the fish in that river are delicious, just go straight over, then it is against the law.
Teacher Liu Run talked about such a classic case in the book "Underlying Logic".
At an exchange meeting, it is normal to meet new people and exchange business cards.
If someone suddenly asks: I can earn 30,000 a month, how much do you earn in a month?
You must feel that this person makes you extremely uncomfortable, because: you are willing to say that it is your business, but I am not obliged to exchange such privacy with you.
There is also this common communication scenario: friends ask you questions on WeChat, and you are just very busy, and you have no time to look at your phone.
At this time, a friend called and said, I see that you have not returned to me, just call and ask.
You are kind and kind, frankly admit that you are very busy now, what can you leave a message first, and then find him when you are busy.
But instead of understanding, my friend intensified: you are too uninteresting! I'm really looking at the wrong person!
The ownership of someone else's time belongs to him, and you have no right to appropriate it.
Once you want to forcibly occupy it, it is a cross-line.
This offense of not caring about the feelings of others is typical of a sense of lack of boundaries.
Whether it is someone else's time or an object, we have no right to forcibly occupy it.
Teacher Liu Run said:
"People generally have a clear sense of ownership of items, but time, privacy, rights... The ownership of these intangible things, many people are not clear. ”
So whether it is work or life, the premise of harmony is respect.
The best respect for others is to grasp the sense of boundaries.
We must always train our sense of boundaries, and be careful not to violate the boundaries of others, which is a basic cultivation of adults.
Everyone is an independent city, and the sense of border is like a "moat" between people and people.
Keeping a distance and watching over each other is conducive to forming a harmonious space for getting along;
But taking oneself too lightly as an outsider, challenging or even destroying this sense of border will be the greatest violation.
Click "Watching" and encourage your friends.
Author | Three points of water, words are my most gentle weapon against pressure; with words, awaken the truest self in my heart.
Editor-in-Chief | A doctor
Typography | Zheng to the north
Image | Some of the pictures in this article come from the Internet, invaded and deleted
音乐 | Jupiter Blues - You're My Universe